Anyway,

I feel weird.

I'm confused about... me...

It seems somehow that my feelings are spinning or something... as if my feelings are delusional. I don't know what to think or feel anymore.

Every day I am thinking about me and girls. And one "friendship" wich is not really going well in my opinion. I think about how useless my life is right now at the moment. I probably always... like... hate my day-night cycle for quite some time... Then I start up my pc...

Sexually things are really wrong Like I've said so many times. It's just huge. It's like... am I a-sexual or what? I don't know. I'm too scared.

Funny thing because I've always thought... and still do... that... uhm...
Ok so I've got my own issues.

But the real issue as well is that I have like this fear or this thought that if I would approach a girl...

Yeah there's this topic somewhere at the moment about a girl who doesn't really know what to do but she wonders if she can be upfront with others if she ever wants to have sex with that person. And yeah funny... but... I have the same kind of problem... it's like...

Somewhere I have this fear that if I would... suggest any sexual interest... a girl bites my head off... or something...

I've always been scared of that. Actually that's perhaps the number 1 issue.

It feels like I either... uhmm... accept... or decline... sexual advances/interest from girls... and I never accept it somehow because well... if I haven't done anything myself... except for perhaps looking grumpy (seriously, this is the only time when girls get interested in me)...

So the point is... I decline because I want to stay in controll over it... somehow... I don't know exactly... it seems to be about controll... but then... what do I do with that controll? Nothing. Because I'm scared as hell... about having that controll myself... Controll implies that I would be able to do what I want...

But in general I feel out of controll. Untill a girl suddenly seems to like me... but when it ever gets that far... uhm... I feel like I HAVE to decline. I just have to. Because I haven't shown value myself yet. And I want to learn how I can... like... first I want to prevent myself from getting abused again... and with that I mean... nothing sexual against my will...

But then... there's the problem... that... it seems right now like I've accomplished that. But now... I'm at this point where... I keep declining girls that somehow like me. Right... lol... I'm like... whenever a girl likes me I'm like "there must be something wrong with them then". Kind of funny. I don't need to be told that that's a really negative thought and that I'm worth more than that. I specifically add the "then" in that sentence because the "then" implies the "if they like me" part. And sometimes they just like me. But I guess they don't like me enough anymore to set me up again. That's good I guess. I guess that's over.

Perhaps I just want to be able to drop my guard. It's exhausting... it's terrible...

But then again I don't know.

Anyway what I'm trying to say is that I'm very very affraid to approach girls. Because...

It's like I always am like... asking myself whether I would like to have sex with that girl or not. That's the only thing on my mind. It's terrible. I just can't get over that. And I can't allow myself to uhm... say yes or something. My "yes" is actually pretty much a delayed "no". It's like I delay my "no" to that question or I don't delay it.

But then sometimes there's this girl... that... uhm... I think I can't get. And then the whole question doesn't matter anymore. And perhaps I'm gratefull then... like... and then the point comes where I want to approach that girl... but usually... wow... well anyway then... a huge number of stuff comes up... and well I don't know exactly how or whatever... but I can't do it. I can't bring myself to show initiative. I wouldn't know what to say. And perhaps... the only thing is... that I would like to have sex with that girl then... but I can't just say that. I believe like... she would bite my head off... as I said...

Because there are a LOT of girls out there with issues as well. I guess I'm just so affraid of rejection at that point... that I just can't take the risk anymore then.

Wow.

Once when I was really young... my (smaller) sister had a friend of her... another girl... that I thought looked beautifull. Because she had beautifull blue eyes. Like even more beautifull than I could imagine back then. And that's... uhm...

Well...

She actually looked at me... sometimes as well... long enough for me to be able to enjoy those eyes like wow they're pretty... and that's when I realised like yeah I want to tell her that I like her or something...

But I didn't know how to approach that situation. So at one point I was in the car in the back next to my sister, and my mum was driving... and I thought... "well I'm going to bring this up". So I did and told them that I thought she had really pretty blue eyes... expecting some kind of answer from my mum in the... direction of like... "well then you should aks her if she wants to have something to drink with you" OR WHATEVER. I DON'T KNOW!!!!! Children that are 6 or 7 years old don't ask eachother out to get a drink somewhere. But something children would be able to do. Like... perhaps like a mini-children date... or nothing... perhaps something completely different... at least NOT THE RESPONSE they DID have. Because they completely destroyed me over it. Completely embarassing me. And then perhaps... even... my mum looked at me... for a long time... and I felt like that was intimidating. But perhaps she was like interested if I would like her eyes as well.

Wow...

Actually...

Yeah. That's sick. Like a gaze. If I just said that and my mum gazes at me somehow in some way. That's really sick.

Perhaps this helps.

Oh well it's gone now anyway.

This only happened once as far as I can recall and from then on girls were like a secret. I couldn't like them anymore. Or at least I could never be up-front about it.

Oh well. Maybe I should've bypassed them and asked her directly.