I often find my self stressing out so much when an event I have to attend is coming up. I get so low and depressed and I panic, I don't want to go! I find myself saying "I'm to fat to go" "I'm ugly, how can I go to a party full of beautifull people I look hideous". If I must go I spend every day before it planning my "getting ready routine" and what I'm going to wear. But it's rare I go.

But I've not been out, other than to go work and back, for quite some months now. I alway make up excuses. I actually lie to my friends. I feel really bad about lieing, but what else can I do? My friend asked me to go out tonight with her and some of her work friends, I told her was going out for a meal with my family so I couldn't go. But tonight I will be sitting in my house. I do it all the time, tell lies. But it's much better than the alternative of telling them how I feel, know one would understand.

I used to love going out, but over the past year I have started to hate it. The sheer thought of it has me panicking.

Katrina x

Just thought I'd write a little before I go to sleep.

I'm such a mix of emotions, I go from happy to really angry to crying in such short periods of time. It's driving me mad! One thing that upset me today was my mum and sister telling me that I'm really weird and that I need to get over myself! Obviously they can see that a I'm not quite right but they just laugh at me, probably because they are so ignorant about these kind of things and because I try my best to not let anyone know what's going on in my head. It came about today because I hate being touched. I know it is rather strange, anyways my sister kept touching my back and I got a bit anoyed/angry/upset. It's funny cause my close friends always say I'm weird to like because I can not stand odd numbers. And I like things to be a certain way or because I don't want to go swimming (there is no way on this earth I will go out in public in a swimmig costume) they get so angry with me.

Maybe I am just a weird, maybe I should just accept that and not care what people think. Easier said than done.

Night night x

Hi again,

I have been thinking a lot today about why I am the way I am. I'm not really sure, Ive had a couple bad experiences but no where near the level traumaticness that some of you have gone through. I'm so sorry to all of you that have been hurt! Things I have experienced are no where near as bad as what other people have been through. I feel like a fraud! Like I have no right to be on here moaning.

Now I'm out of things to say, I feel like I should be writting stuff about my self, but When it comes to it I cant. Maybe that means I'm not ready to share, its just when I read other people's blogs and I see how strong they have been, oh I don't know, anyways laters.

Katrina x

So I have decided that I think this forum could be really beneficial to me. And maybe the blog part could also help me out. I don't know if anyone is going to read it or not, but I'm just going to look at like a diary. So here goes.

I got up really late for work this morning, so I had to fling on the first lot of clothes I found, I looked so fat. Therefore I had to wear a big scarf all day to try and cover my tummy, which then ment I was roasting hot all day. I also had to rush my hair which went bushy, and i had to fling on make up and I had only a little mascara on my eyes. I like to wear a lot of eye make up as I have little eyes, so I wear more make up to make them look bigger. I managed to get on conceler and foundation to hide my freckles; that was the only good part of today.

So with my morning like that I felt awful; I felt like people where looking at me thing omg she's so ugly. I tried to cover my face with my hair but it's hard to cover my pointy nose; which sucks as I hate my profile, my nose is AWFUL!

When I got home my mums friend was in and she's so thin and pretty, so that made me feel even worse about myself.

All in all it's been a pretty bad day. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

(sorry for ranting on and sorry for any bad grammar)

Katrina x