I am soo angry! The littlest thing sends me over the edge! I was a crazy mess last night! My little sister wanted to have a light on and I couldn't sleep! So I went mental shouting and screaming, throwing things and I even pushed my sister! I have never hit or pushed her like that before. Afterwards I lay in my bed crying and that's when I truly discover how pain can make it better! I didn't even notice I was doing it and now I realise I do it alot. I was digging my nails so hard into my palms it made them bleed. And it felt good! As I was lying there I thought about getting a razor!! Which is really scary as I don't want to hurt myself, typically I'm afraid of pain. Its just for that few minutes, it felt good!
Every day I'm getting closer and closer to the edge, And I can't seem to get control over it! I do crazy things all the time. I think people around me are starting to notice, they make comments about how strange I am. I work so hard to cover it up, but it's getting hard!

Katrina x

So I'm yet again feeling awful!!
I just got off the phone to my friend, I called her to try and cheer myself up and I now feel worse!! She was talking about nights out she's been on that I've missed, I feel so alone and left out! I want to be out with the girls having a good time enjoying my life. But I can't stand how fat and ugly I am, I'm ashamed of the way I look therefore feel I can't go out.

After speaking to my friend i doesn't even sound like I was missed. Which makes me feel really sad. Ive been going through all my old things today, photos, gifts etc and it has made me so emotional! I miss my friends, I miss having fun, I miss not having a care in the world, I miss being happy!

I showed my little sister my high school photo and she didn't know which one was me, which makes me think I must be so ugly now as I don't think I looked as bad back then! She also said I was chubby now, I tend to make jokes or comments about the way I look. I think it's because I'm trying to seek reassurance or something, or maybe I want someone to say don't be silly yout beautiful. But people just laugh or say things like what my sister said. No one has ever called me beautiful! My mum once asked how I would rate myself 10 being the best and 1 the worst and I said zero and she said I must have the bad gene! So even my own mum must think I'm ugly! Otero hard because everyone around me is really good looking; my mum, dad, sister, and my friends! Why am I the ugly fat one?

I was reading about selling a kidney today and how people are trying to make it legal! I hope they do all I need is about £10,000 pounds for all the surgery I want then I would be fine. I really want to do this. I know alot of people find this immoral and degrading my mother included but I really think it would help me. I would also like to help someone else to! Save someone's life!

I hope you all are having a good day,
Katrina x

So I went to see my GP today, I had a book all about BDD in my bag, and the letter from BDD central to show to my GP.

Sitting in the waiting room I was terrified, I started to sweat and I was shaking! The dr called my name and I went through, sat down and started to list of symptoms. Non of them had anything to do with BDD, the dr commented on how fast my heart was racing and now I'm going for blood tests tomorrow!!!

I'm now sitting in my living room thinking how much of an idiot I am!

Anyone got any advice on how I can have a successful trip IF there's a next time?

Katrina x

So my good week has taken a turn about! I feel like crap. I feel completely alone, I have no one to talk to. I've realised I'm so good at pushing people away!

Today I was looking at pictures ranging from 10 years ago to present. It really got me down, i never used to think I was ugly. But looking at the pictures I see I was really ugly. Also looking at them I see the girl I used to be; a complete polar opposite to what I am now.

I've thought about that holiday, I'm thinking I'll not go.

Why is life so hard? Maybe Its karma.

Katrina x

So I'm having a really good week so far I've been feeling really motivated! I've went for a run every night and I have been eating really healthy. This has improved my mood significantly in comparison to last week. Plus having someone to talk to has also helped thank you.

A couple of my friends are wanting to go on holiday in September. I really want to go as I think it will be a great experience. But I'm not sure how I will mange! I'll think about it, maybe if I lose some weight I'll feel a tad better about it.

I get paid next week and I can not wait!!!! Hopefully next week will be as good as this one

Katrina x