So I'm yet again feeling awful!!
I just got off the phone to my friend, I called her to try and cheer myself up and I now feel worse!! She was talking about nights out she's been on that I've missed, I feel so alone and left out! I want to be out with the girls having a good time enjoying my life. But I can't stand how fat and ugly I am, I'm ashamed of the way I look therefore feel I can't go out.

After speaking to my friend i doesn't even sound like I was missed. Which makes me feel really sad. Ive been going through all my old things today, photos, gifts etc and it has made me so emotional! I miss my friends, I miss having fun, I miss not having a care in the world, I miss being happy!

I showed my little sister my high school photo and she didn't know which one was me, which makes me think I must be so ugly now as I don't think I looked as bad back then! She also said I was chubby now, I tend to make jokes or comments about the way I look. I think it's because I'm trying to seek reassurance or something, or maybe I want someone to say don't be silly yout beautiful. But people just laugh or say things like what my sister said. No one has ever called me beautiful! My mum once asked how I would rate myself 10 being the best and 1 the worst and I said zero and she said I must have the bad gene! So even my own mum must think I'm ugly! Otero hard because everyone around me is really good looking; my mum, dad, sister, and my friends! Why am I the ugly fat one?

I was reading about selling a kidney today and how people are trying to make it legal! I hope they do all I need is about £10,000 pounds for all the surgery I want then I would be fine. I really want to do this. I know alot of people find this immoral and degrading my mother included but I really think it would help me. I would also like to help someone else to! Save someone's life!

I hope you all are having a good day,
Katrina x

Hi Katrina. I do not think what you are talking about is immoral but I do think it is not going to help you to have plastic surgery. I think you would find more and more things to find about yourself that are wrong. Please consider talking this out in therapy instead to figure out why you feel so bad about yourself. And you do not need to sell a kidney to do this. Thinking of you.

Cracked

Thank you, the funny thing is I know getting surgery won't help my problems I've read it time and time again. But I still think it will solve everything and I wont be this crazy, hurt and angry person anymore! Maybe it just shows how delusional I am.

Hope your keeping well,
Katrina x

I dont think the it is immoral to have a kidney transplant to save anothers life, i think it is a brave thing to do. Doing something like this for someone else will change your veiw of yourself. My motto is "no one is ugly because of how they look, they can only act ugly".