So I'm actually feeling more stable for the last two days. Since then I've stopped cutting and just generally feel better. Before I was depressed for like 2 weeks and then kept switching between hypomania and depression. I think i'm more stable because of my doctor adjusting my medication. It just needed that little shift. I go to my new therapist today where we'll probably talk about new patient topics like why i'm there and why i started cutting again. I'm nervous actually. Because he doesn't specialize in self harm or bipolar disorder.... So what if he simply can't handle me?? I just need to be held accountable. I need someone to ask me weekly "are you thinking of hurting yourself in any way?" Its sad, but its the truth. Hopefully he's a chill guy. I don't want someone that's not relaxed and straight forward. I also go in for pre-op surgery today, hopefully just paperwork but I think they may shave off some of my head hair too. How embarassing. I'm going to have a big bald spot behind my left ear where my hearing aid will go. Why must I be half deaf?? So I have to make sure I clean my room tonight, because I can't have it getting infected. New bed sheets and pillowcases, clean up the garbage, take down the dishes, clean up the clothes. All good. I feel ready to do it actually. Usually i'd rather die than clean. So, bonus i guess?

I should wash my clothes.... maybe shower. Maybe do my makeup and get ready for life today. Maybe i'll wear my contacts instead of glasses. Every little bit helps.

I see my new therapist tomorrow, and I need to go in for pre-op surgery also. I'm not excited about surgery in the least. It looks so scary!! Its funny, I can cut myself no problem, but I don't want a doctor to cut into me for surgery. He'll be cleaner and actually stitch it!!! At least I get to be drugged out for it. Other than that my life is slowly coming back together I think. Hopefully. Maybe it's still falling apart?? haha. I don't know at this point whether it's still falling apart or not. Only my final grades in my classes will tell. I did well in my slot class and should get a B or C in my gaming management class. As for spanish, maybe a B or C, and History i'm just hoping to get above a C. I really have to do well on that test, I need to study. I did well for the midterm but the teacher says the final will be much harder. And i slept through most of his classes these last few weeks, so i need to study what he covered. I'm fortunate he gave a final exam review with all topics to be covered. That way i can just go through the notes and fill it out. I stopped cutting! I feel like the damage I did to myself will suffice for now. So, thats a bonus! I just hope I don't become suicidal again, because that will mean definite hospitalization. I promised i would hospitalize myself before I attempted again. To not hurt my family.

Things have fallen apart so much. I should be doing well in school but I'm not. Hopefully I do well on the finals next week but if I don't I may fail some classes. I put so much stress on myself about school. I had to cut. Instead of cutting I should have been studying or something constructive. I hope something kills me soon. I don't want to kill myself, but I wouldn't object to dropping dead. Starting a new therapist on monday. I know I need to go, self harm is bad, and he'll keep me honest. I'll be honest on the second session, because i have that surgery and i can't be hospitalized if i'm going to have it. We'll just work in hypothetical situations until then. I'm happy i'm not sleeping, and i'm not staying up. I caught up on sleep last night after plan:sunshine was put into motion. Now to keep it up!! Gotta stay on a normal schedule. That way I don't have all that free time at night to self harm. Because that's when it usually happens - when i'm all alone up at night. I feel like i HAVE to self harm though. So maybe i'll have to move it to the daytime. I'm not sad or happy, manic or depressed. I'm stable but i feel so unstable with all this self harm. I don't know what to do.