Feel like $#%^. I know I said I was going to consult with my doctor about weaning off my medication but I'm not going to. I did that and i'm still getting withdrawal symptoms, so I'm just gonna pull the bandaid off and go cold turkey. I'll probably be in withdrawal for the next week or so, but at least it won't be for a prolonged period while I wean off.

Other than going through withdrawals, I'm feeling stable at the moment. I'm cold, hot, sweaty, restless legs, grinding teeth. At least I can sleep! That's a blessing. I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't sleep through these withdrawal symptoms. Because they suck.

So that's what I decided I'm going to do. F**k weaning off, i'm going to quit my medication all at once. Consequences be damned!

I feel so out of it today. I keep getting this state of vertigo, its been happening a lot lately. Things just stop and then it feels like everything around me is falling. I think its a side effect of my last suicide attempt and i was on the ledge, my legs hanging down. That feeling of falling is with me forever now.

I can't feel a thing. I've been thinking about cutting to feel. That can wait though. I don't mind not feeling for a little bit. Its just so uncomfortable not being able to feel bad or good. That's why I'm stopping my medication. It blunts my emotions so much. Stability is not worth it if i can't feel. I wish I would have listened when they told me what the medication actually did, because I heard them, but I didn't understand fully. It stops you from being able to feel intense emotions.

I've made up my mind. No more meds. No matter if I get suicidal and delusional. I don't care. No more. I can handle this sh*t.

So I just got off the phone with the people i want to represent me for my disability case and i am screwed. There's no way i'll ever get a doctor to sign off on me not being able to work. They'll take one look at me and go? "What's stopping you?" This means I can't stop my meds. I have to be compliant. So maybe I'll just go to the doctor, get the pills, but not take them. As long as it looks good on paper i'm golden.

And there's no point in even telling them about my new therapist, because he doesn't write anything down. So basically, I'm screwed, no one will represent me because no doctor will get behind me. I am screwed. I am doomed to be broke and live with my parents forever.

Aside from being completely screwed i'm still fairly stable, not feeling depressed nor manic at the moment. Hoping this will change soon because I could use a little excitement. Soon enough I think. After my geodon levels go down a little. They're too high to be unstable right now.

So everything is back to normal again, stable as I could possibly be I think. I'm still lazy - go figure. But i'm not depressed and thats a bonus. I've actually gone out of the house willingly a few times! Usually I hate leaving. My cuts are almost healed I think. If I can quit picking at them. They look like they'll scar well. Almost like scarification. If i tattooed it, the scars would be tiger claws or something like that. Just an idea.

I really hate being stable, I want to stop my meds. I love the chaos of my bipolarity. I feel so lifeless and dull. But I went back on meds because I was suicidal and hallucinating... If only I could control it. Then I could have my highs and lows not get paranoid and delusional and hallucinating, wanting to kill myself. Oh and cutting that too. Just the highs and lows, mostly highs. If it were my choice at least.

I know that stopping my meds isn't advised and I'm probably not going to but I'm just so frustrated with it right now. Would it be so bad? If I did it right and weaned off? I could always go back on meds, but If i can get off and control it then it won't be so bad. Something to think about.

Today I had my first appointment with the man i'll call my new shrink. He's a red-faced man in his 60's who seems very nice so far. But he's going to expect me to partake in therapy wholly. This means getting out and socializing eventually. I don't know why I went back to therapy, I really only want someone to ask me if i'm going to kill myself. I need to be held accountable.

I told him this. I don't think he understands, or maybe he does and just has higher hopes for me.

Maybe he does this with all his clients but I really feel like he liked me. Because he said, "i'm not going to refer you out, you amuse me, and make me laugh, and you're my new patient." Like I was a question to him that he needs to solve. Because I think I confuse him. I'm not crazy at the moment, and I have insight into my condition. He likes this. But I think he also likes that because i'm a self harmer and i'm not borderline personality disordered so its not conventional. Its another mystery to solve. He plain flat out said, "you're not giving off a borderline feel, and I can spot those 100miles away." So that's good to know. I didn't think I was borderline anyhow.

I go back to see him on the 5th, and have almost weekly visits following that. I hope he's not too hard on me. We may go into some intense subjects that i'm not sure i'm comfortable talking about. Or topics that i might just blurt everything out about and then start crying. Just horrible! I'm just going to have to try to keep my composure.