So everything is back to normal again, stable as I could possibly be I think. I'm still lazy - go figure. But i'm not depressed and thats a bonus. I've actually gone out of the house willingly a few times! Usually I hate leaving. My cuts are almost healed I think. If I can quit picking at them. They look like they'll scar well. Almost like scarification. If i tattooed it, the scars would be tiger claws or something like that. Just an idea.

I really hate being stable, I want to stop my meds. I love the chaos of my bipolarity. I feel so lifeless and dull. But I went back on meds because I was suicidal and hallucinating... If only I could control it. Then I could have my highs and lows not get paranoid and delusional and hallucinating, wanting to kill myself. Oh and cutting that too. Just the highs and lows, mostly highs. If it were my choice at least.

I know that stopping my meds isn't advised and I'm probably not going to but I'm just so frustrated with it right now. Would it be so bad? If I did it right and weaned off? I could always go back on meds, but If i can get off and control it then it won't be so bad. Something to think about.