I wonder if reincarnation exists. If it does, I'd like to be bird, so I can fly anywhere I want. I want to be free. If I blew off my head, would I be reincarnated as a bird? I have almost 100 flexerils left. I'm tempted. I want to fly away.

2:25pm - Didn't last long. Got to work, late, did some paperwork, but couldn't focus. So I left to go Startbucks to get some caffeine. Instead of getting coffee, I drove home, got out my razors and sliced up my foot. Nothing too deep. Just a bunch of lines, deep enough to bleed but not require stitches. My foot looks like it was attacked by a wolverine.

I'm wondering if I should quit my job before they fire me.

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6:18 am
Just woke up and I feel refreshed. Slept 9 hours. Best sleep in weeks. Woke up to the smell of lilies that filled the whole apartment. Still nauseous, but I have a good feeling about today. Its gonna be a good day.

I need a positive distraction. Its hard to think positive thoughts and reward myself when don't feel like I deserve cheering up.

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Cut again. Knew I would. I tried cheering myself up. Picked up some lilies for the apt and bought some chocolate. Didn't work. I've been trying to keep the cuts limited to my ankle, so they can be covered easily. Piling cuts on top of cuts, slicing over scab and scars. But thats not enough today. I want my whole foot to be covered. I expanded to the top of my foot and my toes. Not alot, just three long lines. They bled alot and that helped. Still not enough.

I want to run. I want to go far away, change who I am, be someone else. Someone who isn't disgusting, dirty. Someone who isn't weak. Someone people like, someone who doesn't mess things up. The problem with running is that no matter how far I go, I'll always be there. I hate me. I'm sounding like such a whiny bitch right now.

Long day yesterday. Had a field meeting out in the sticks with a group of construction workers. It took me four hours to reach the place and then spent the day 4-wheeling the workers around, giving them a tour of rocks and dirt. They were a good group, asked good questions. I was focusing on not showing how nautious I was from not sleeping the night before. Its not fun driving around all day with a turning stomach miles and miles from the nearest bathroom. On the upside, the fresh air was nice and it didn't rain. The drive home was tough. 4 hours is a long drive when driving alone. The lack of sleep was making me loopy crossing the hills. I had a strong urge to Thelma and Loiuse, rationalizing that the insurance company would consider it an accident so my husband would be taken care of. I get loopy when I don't sleep. I had to pull over a couple times to refocus, fight the urge to go over the cliff. Got home around 8.

Glad I was able to get a decent night sleep last night. I slept a full 7 hours. Would've slept longer of it wasn't for my furry, four-legged alarm clock deciding it was time to eat. Woke up nauseous, but don't remember any dreams, so its a good morning.