Okay, so I've gone from starving completely to out of control binge eating. It's out of hand now but I've been talking a lot to my mental health team and they're helping me out with it. Considering I'm "chronically underweight" (such a horrible term ) they actually said a bit of binging and purging won't do me any harm! Obviously, by that they didn't mean that I should go out and go wild.. they just meant that starving myself and losing even more weight is probably more damaging than binging and putting on a few pounds. Obviously, I'm against this but it's getting to me.

I'm getting weighed monthly now so that they can keep an eye on things but to be honest, I'm dubious about this. My dietician is weighing me on Wednesday and I'm well aware of the fact that I've binged almost every day since Saturday (bar a day). So that's 5 out of 6 days and on 2 occasions my body refused to chuck up, so yanno, weight is an issue.

I know full well why everything's going nuts. It's my dad's bail date tomorrow. This has been extended monthly since the middle of October last year. But tomorrow we're finding out whether the CPS is taking it to court. Like I've said before, everyone knows it will be, it's just a matter of making it official. They've already accepted my little brother's case, and they want to take on mine to go alongside it so that it's better for us in getting a justifiable outcome. It's really effecting my mental health. If I'm this severely depressed now, then god knows what I'm going to be like when it goes to court.

When I'm in a severe depressive episode, my anxiety can be so high that I just dissociate or go entirely mute. Clearly this wouldn't help in a court hearing, but that behaviour isn't by choice! Maybe I should try and just take my mind off things for now. There's nothing I'm going to be able to do until I find out what's happening tomorrow -sigh.

Trix.
xoxo.

The amount of calories I have eaten in the space of a few hours today is TOTALLY obscene. Nearly two weeks worth of eating nothing has obviously taken it's toll on my body. Even if my foster carers had pinned me to the sofa all day while I was kicking and screaming, I really do not think it would've stopped me having a serious binge/purge cycle today. I didn't calculate exactly how many calories I had but I did estimate and I'm pretty sure I'm right when I say it's well over 10,000 calories. -cri.

- 1 x 500ml tub ben and jerry's ice cream
- 3 x 230g dairy milk chocolate
- 1 x 230g caramel chocolate
- 1 x whole jam and cream sponge cake
- 4 x packets of double choc chip cookies
- 1 x kingsize pack of maltesers
- 3 x large portions of chips
- 1 x veggie burger with small portion of chips
- 9 x cans of sugar free red bull
- 1 x chocolate milkshake
- 2 x bottles of coca cola.

My stomach had pretty much shrunk to a tiny size by the time I binged, but, strangely, I'm not in agonising pain and I'm sat here wanting to binge even more. It's like my stomach has gone from wanting no food at all to turning into some kind of bottomless pit that never fills up. Baring in mind I've purged this, I'm still hungry. Logically I know that purging does not get rid of all the calories, but the eating disorder tells me that it's what I have to do. You don't think logically at the time.

I'm in the house on my own tomorrow while my foster family are out for a meal for my foster mother's birthday treat. I'm going to be alone at the house with nothing but time and a purse full of money that's free to spend on binge food. I can't help myself. There doesn't seem to be an inbetween when it comes to my eating. I'm either eating nothing, or I'm eating thousands of calories.

This is the biggest binge I've had since moving in with my foster family which is now about 18 months. I have vowed to myself never to do this again but my head is still craving. I think posting on the forums may be a good idea.. I think I need some serious help and advice right now. I'm dreading getting on the scales tomorrow morning. -cri.

Trix.
xoxo.

Well, it's been 11 days and I still haven't eaten. I seem to be getting into cycles where I'll have an overwhelming urge to binge and I think to myself, okay, I'll wait for the urge to pass and then I'll eat something. Problem is, when the urge to binge has gone, the urge to eat disappears too. I'm determined to have something today though, even if I have to sit at the table for 3 hours just to eat a petit filous.

I got told yesterday that my 'disordered eating' actually fits the diagnostic criteria for anorexia. I was a bit put out by this. I said the sentence 'I have an eating disorder' to myself yesterday and it just doesn't sound right.. The term 'disordered eating' I could manage with, it didn't sound bad and it didn't sound as if it was much of a problem. Strangely if you rearrange the words to 'eating disorder' then it sounds way more serious than I think it is.

Apparently my foster family knew from the minute I moved in that I was anorexic, I just hadn't been formally diagnosed. Well, now I have. It feels weird, it feels wrong. I don't want a second label pinned on me. By conversations I've had with various people I'm likely to have a third one. I don't believe in labels. I remember a few years ago I dreaded being diagnosed with any kind of illness. Now I could potentially have three, two of them being already diagnosed. I don't understand it. I don't want this.

I think way too much. I think I'm going to distract myself by putting on Youtube and scouring through Whose Line Is It Anyway US videos. God love them! ;D

Trix.
xoxo.

I tell you what I really need, a good rant. I'm quite thankful that I came onto the website and remembered about the little blog thingy.

I haven't eaten anything since Sunday evening. It's now Saturday evening, so that's about 6 days. I felt particularly disgusting and decided for a day that I wasn't going to eat. That was on Monday. Then I thought, y'anno what? I'm losing weight, I feel good, I haven't fainted, and the voices I hear aren't bugging me incessantly. So I thought, I'll go another day. Then it happened again.. my hunger disappeared, my appetite is gone, the thought of food is sending me into the depths of anxiety and now I just can't eat. I'm totally incapable of it. I know it's all psychological. Although you'd think the physical signs such as weakness, dizziness, nearly fainting and nausea would get me to eat something. No. It sucks.

My foster parents can't help me, they can't force feed me (even though they probably want to) and they know that they can't really help right now. Not in the state of mind I'm in right now. It's all escalated since the investigation with my dad started. Now it's just getting beyond a joke. Problem is, no one can get any help for me until Monday. Unless of course I decide to faint on the kitchen floor and wake up in hospital. Surprisingly, that's not appealing to me and I'm trying to avoid that as much as possible.

I've become addicted to weight loss again. I've become addicted to living without full-blown anxiety from being shouted at by voices no one else can hear. I know that logically I am underweight; but I don't feel it. I never have felt underweight. I wish my point of view was the same as everyone else's but it isn't. I don't see my dietician until the 6th. I'm praying and praying that I'll eat something before then or I'm going to be in a sorry state. I don't know why I pray as, tbf, I think God is a figment of imagination created for people who have nothing else left. I mean no offence to anyone who does believe in God. That's just my very strong view. Strangely enough that doesn't stop me respecting other people's views. Strange.

Anyway. Ciao all.

Trix.
xoxo.

Heyup. I am so tired it's unreal.. but I'm also pretty glad as I've managed to get into contact with one of my friends that I haven't spoken to in MONTHS. I met her during a stay in a hospital and she's remained one of my best friends ever since. I love her to bits, but she lives a distance away and it doesn't really help that I don't leave the house very often..

It's a bank holiday today. Everything's still shut so I can't ring my mental health team to give me any support. The only thing I have besides my foster carers is the crisis team and, from my experience, they are absolute rubbish in helping me in any way. Although I haven't used them since moving to Bristol, I used them in Wiltshire and they just let me down time and time again. It was dreadful. Maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions again but y'anno, I'm not brave enough to take the chance to ring them..

My alters want to come out and meet my foster carers.. especially Sally. Problem is Sally is a violent, aggressive young woman (17 years old) and to be quite honest, I'm absolutely terrified that she'll come out. I'd rather not have her hurt my foster carers and find myself 'waking up' in a police cell. I'm thinking that won't do anything to improve my mood!

Listening to Blood on the Dancefloor. Love them.
SEXTING ALL THE WAY. :3

Ciao all.

Trix.
xoxo.