Okay, so I've gone from starving completely to out of control binge eating. It's out of hand now but I've been talking a lot to my mental health team and they're helping me out with it. Considering I'm "chronically underweight" (such a horrible term ) they actually said a bit of binging and purging won't do me any harm! Obviously, by that they didn't mean that I should go out and go wild.. they just meant that starving myself and losing even more weight is probably more damaging than binging and putting on a few pounds. Obviously, I'm against this but it's getting to me.

I'm getting weighed monthly now so that they can keep an eye on things but to be honest, I'm dubious about this. My dietician is weighing me on Wednesday and I'm well aware of the fact that I've binged almost every day since Saturday (bar a day). So that's 5 out of 6 days and on 2 occasions my body refused to chuck up, so yanno, weight is an issue.

I know full well why everything's going nuts. It's my dad's bail date tomorrow. This has been extended monthly since the middle of October last year. But tomorrow we're finding out whether the CPS is taking it to court. Like I've said before, everyone knows it will be, it's just a matter of making it official. They've already accepted my little brother's case, and they want to take on mine to go alongside it so that it's better for us in getting a justifiable outcome. It's really effecting my mental health. If I'm this severely depressed now, then god knows what I'm going to be like when it goes to court.

When I'm in a severe depressive episode, my anxiety can be so high that I just dissociate or go entirely mute. Clearly this wouldn't help in a court hearing, but that behaviour isn't by choice! Maybe I should try and just take my mind off things for now. There's nothing I'm going to be able to do until I find out what's happening tomorrow -sigh.

Trix.
xoxo.