It's not out in the open but I've finally said out loud to someone about me but unfortunately he didn't keep it to himself but to be honest, I can't really blame him as it is too much to expect someone to keep to themselves because it would just play on their mind and damage them. The person I told was my business studies tutor because out of everybody he was the person I felt least uncomfortable around and he can't keep something like that to himself because a teacher needs to tell someone else about things like that or else if someone else finds out that he's kept certain things about a teacher, he would get into trouble. When I found out, I was furious but I couldn't stay mad at him for long because for a while I could refer to certain things in front of him. Because he has told who he had to, I am now on the waiting list for counselling. None of this my mother knows.

Until one of my teachers started talking about a relative who died recently. Then they went on to talk about cancer. The thing is that I have been showing all of the symptoms of bowel cancer but I have been too scared to go to a doctor in case there is nothing wrong. I don't know whether or not to confide my thoughts in this teacher (he knows a tiny bit about my mental state) but he will keep on telling me to go see a doctor. He might want to tell my mum which I won't be able to cope with because she'll ask me questions. I just needed to say something about my concern.

I don't know where to start, where to end and what to put in the middle so I'll just let my fingers run wild. My username "Madiw" doesn't have anything to do with being mad, I created it on a writing site as it stands for Music And Daydream Inspired Writing. I suffer from SA (or SP however you refer to it). It has just become worse as time has gone by and it's to the extent that it is having a minor impact on my school work (or rather exams). Because my surname is Gibson, I am usually at the front of the exam hall and all I can hear is whispers and peopl laughing quietly throughout the exam so I get paranoid to the extent I struggle to have my mind on the exam.

I also have Depression (which I think I had before the Social Anxiety). My mum tends to say mental illness creeps up on a person so someone who has a mental illness of some sort can't know about it but I have seen enough of depression to know when I have it. I have not actually been diagnosed with either SA or Depression because I'm don't want to say that there is anything wrong with me as that would only attract more attention. I don't want to go to a doctor because I'll probably have to talk about things and then I'd have to keep it secret from my mum somehow.

I have to build up to going to see a doctor because my physical health has also been taking a turn for the worse recently but I'm trying to hide it from everyone because people start asking questions.

This is all I'm writing for now. I don't really expect anything, I just want a chance to let everything out without feeling guilty.