The blogs Im writing could be shorter as I slowly make my way back into my life.. Its very strange but happening.
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Its about me and God rescueing myself from the dead. I am a detective; Im searching my past for clues and evidence of what happened; I and God are searching and looking for my dead body; where its buried. When we find it; I will bring it up and put it back into me where it belongs and will not be lost anymore... For I have lost my body; its somewhere in the past... and Im looking for it; where it was buried and died; Where I was killed; and when I find it; And God finds it. We will rescue it together; me and God. And bring me back home!
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Im beginning to see some things; Good things; the problem is; Im so disabled from trauma; Im so slow within reality. Its very difficult to stay present; my mind flips into somewhwere else and then Im in a kind of catatonic state within my mind; Im no longer out in reality anymore.
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The goal is to set some goals with God and work toward them in the outside world...
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As for my First Love; I will continue to dig that up and un cover every peice of evidence that I take each sliver of myself back that she stole or I gave her until I get my whole self back! This was a witch.
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Im now working on Deniel
Denile; the action of declaring something to be untrue.
"she shook her head in denial"
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Im in Denial about my first love... Thats where the work is; working with God; First; and for most; coming out of Denial about my first love; This will take massive work. Im hardened in this area and wanting to be right and hang on out of anger and pride and hatred and arragance and that I have a right... and entitlment. Its a strange place because it spits in the face of reason and logic and reality..
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However, their it is; the goal. Ill have to see this person for who they are and who they are not; and thats the problem; Deep down I didnt need to... Now I do... More n more Im sick of this and their must be a way out of looking at this person or limerencely dreaming about them... They were not nice people. I had my personality and the inside of me raped out of me by this monster... I want to call them what they are... and move on. And its hard to say that; to move on from them; its very hard; it feels like Im saying I want to move on from my childhood.
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I think I have some kind of brokenness from trauma bond with this person. I think this person set me up; groomed me then broke me... tried to break me out of comtempt and hatred from the start. This person didnt want me around. I made a mistake.
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So; I have to go to God and keep working on this denial and find out why its so hard for me to let go... Its safer for me to hang on; that is why. I mean; Its like someone who has to become homeless from their apartment and that last moment they have to move out of the doorway into the outside world... it sucks...
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I thought of this person as my best friend; What a sick joke that is; but that took years of work to break through and understand; so; I must understand that this will take a long while unit I can see this person for who they really were; someone I didnt really know! a complete stranger., And not a nice one... So; that is what I have to work with; to get to a point of having a life in the present that I dont have to remember bad people like this... I was more then just a throw away to this person; what they did was almost criminal; in fact it was... The question asked is; what was I doing around someone like this! So; I have to have support to come back to my right mind.
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NOTE; What was I doing around someone like my First love; taht did not love me; did not like me; did not charish me; did not miss me; was absolutely; and made clear; was not my friend nor wanted to be. Did not stay faithful to me; not even sure she even knew I existed. Did care if she ever saw me again and...

[ Continued ]