It's sounds like a lot and it is.. but I'm on vacation. Constantly wearing short clothing and under supervision of my husband all day long. I don't do it when I am not alone. This is something of my own.

The hard thing is the urge because it is still there. I feel like crying all day because I can't SH. On the other hand I don't want to.. the last time brought me good visible marks. I really hate them and myself for doing that..

Still feel the need to see my own blood.. feel like I miss everything around me because of the thoughts. The keep my so distracted that enjoying my Holliday in *mod edit* gets lost..

I'm afraid it's all Will start over again... I'm starting to have my scariest nightmares again... I'm being kidnapped. That people hurt me sexually... that people want to kill me. That others want to sell me, that I am going to beat people up. But especially that I cut myself to pieces, there is always someone there who says I understand. It's no big deal and so on...

This is now happening again for a couple of nights... I really worry about that beacaus I lost myself before after those dreams. I am so incredibly
Tired... I'm really fighting with myself and my brain again...

The only thing in my head is that I want to hurt myself.. I am completely stuck in it again... the only thing I can do is cry...

I'm so sick of it! I really need help... this goes completely wrong... And I dont no hoe this ends..
Monday my P calls again.

Today's actually going pretty well. I feel like I'm in control again.

I don't want to say that I don't cut myself anymore, but it's now controlled and safe. I don't cut over veins and only cut the inside of my upper arm and my wrist. This is both easy to hide.

I am also not angry anymore or sad. It's just part of it and I can deal with it.

I have control over my body again. I still have UPS and downs but that's okay as well.

I'm, as you can see, just new here and there's a reason for that. I'm on other forums but I'm hardly allowed to talk about it.

I have a problem with self-harm. I cut myself regularly. Until now I thought I would do this whenever I wanted. I wasn't tied to it yet.

This weekend I have a family weekend. I didn't want to be caught and left the knives at home. I am already getting panic attacks and tendencies to hurt myself. I don't know if it's because it's not possible now or if I'm more addicted than I thought.

I am so nervous that someone will see my "Barcode" bars. My family is very judgmental and I really can't handle that when they talk about it. I can start crying at the thought of it...

How do I survive this weekend...................................


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