The reality symptoms
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Ive been hitting hard for the last several months and getting somewhere; in fact; Ive opened up things to the point that I've gone beyond anything before it. And my symptoms are hitting the wall; Ive fallen back into CPTSD symptoms; why? because the same brain pushing to get better is the same brain damaged. So; the more pressure I put on it to get better; the more symptoms. When Im quiet and do nothing. the symptoms go down; but then I think; well; Im getting better; I think Ill try to get better; and ill push different aspect of work that will help heal me up; However, by activating activity in the mind or body; Im bringing on the symptoms again. And I think thus; Im not getting anywhere; However, Ive learned a secret.
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Disregarding the symptoms; I am getting somewhere. Its like this; I run a mile and the symptoms start up and knock me out; I keep walking slow; and slowly loss the symptoms; then because I have no symptoms I start running again and the symptoms come back. So; I stop or slow down; and this repeats itself over n over causing me to believe Im not getting anywhere in my recovery; so why bother; Im back in a hole. what I don't know; I walked 5 miles while I was up n down in the symptoms; I cant tell because Im not getting any feedback from the outside world. But when I realize Ive walked 5 miles; it stuns me; I realize something; One part of me works and I can accomplish things; while the other creates symptoms and takes them away. one problem is feedback; and a miss understanding; Im using symptoms to judge the condition. I assume if I don't have symptoms its means Ive healed and Im getting better; but in reality; I have symptoms at some point triggered and at other times no triggering and no symptoms; the problem is; I assume if I have no symptoms I've done the work to heal and Im getting better. but its not true. Im getting better anyway; but the symptoms come from triggering; and the triggering come from activation and that comes from attempting activity.
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So; I went to a meeting and told everyone I was much like Robin Williams; but he didn't make it to a meeting; I was suicidal yesterday. It comes on ferociously fast. I mean lightening fast. Why?
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WhY does the PTSD hit me so fast?
Well; Heres how it works in my system; when the symptoms are down. I start progressing; then means more activity takes over; the symptoms come back; at that point Ive been working steadily on my recovery work; and at this specific point; my heart is drawn thin; like a thin delicate line; its been stretched out but safe and working hard and getting somewhere; really knowing now Im eyes I'm getting somewhere; and right at that moment of achievement; right at that delicate moment when the worker part of me as been working so hard I can feel the finish finish line; I can taste it; Wham! SmAsh!. The PTSD slams down into the abyss; Im overtaken by a massive hit of flashbacks and horrible critical voice and de realization; like a swirling fog in the the myst of a tornado; Im swooped up and taken away and I forget who I am or why I was thinking about what I was thinking about; and the tornado picks me up and in this swirling cloud; it puts me back onto the beginning lane where Im at the starting line again; And all that work was for nothing; and in complete horror and fear and terror and shock; at that moment; I give up; I look around at all the people with their trucks and houses and fences and nice yards and three car garages; and I seriously in a state of anger; I want auto-euthanasia; I want that to die. I want to end my life now; right now; I want to kill myself now. And this death blow; this horror and this voice telling me to kill myself is the pressure Im feeling from the critical voice of my mother telling me Im no good; and thats why I want to kill myself; its like a dagger of hate speech slammed into the children throat and down his...

[ Continued ]