I really hate it when other people who aren`t in my situation say to me that "life is what i make it". I know that its said in a nice way but i also know that its ignorant when i have so many problems with my family.
I hate it that i can never take up my family problems with my family, you see the only thing i get when i do that is my mothers ignorance and avoidance. She is so tuned to her new family that she doesn`t even bother to think about my feelings.

Its highly provocative and depressing.

My stepfather used to play rugby, so his way is only to charge the problems.
Which in my opinion not good.
My mother should have spent more time with her other children when they were young.
Instead she spent time on painting batik with her new boyfriend(soon 2b husband).
Avoidance is clearly her!
Now they are spending time up in the mountain in a cabin they bought with his money or they spend time in another country in south where they have bought a summer house.

I have never seen the summer house.

She also spends time with her daughter (from 2 marriage) who has had a child. The other daughter(from 2 marriage) has a career as a dancer/actress, she also spends time with her.

Or her son(don`t know what he is doing now??)

She has a total of 6 children and my father had another child(a daughter) in his second marriage.
I have no contact with my father.

I think its pretty dumb that she can turn her head around for all the problems she created her self and then when she sees that its getting too much, she blames ex husband for everything.

She told me that she went into the tent with him and that he laid on top of her, saying to her that she laid there like timber after wards.

After that she got pregnant and married and then had two more children before she ran out on him.

There is a tension in my family.

I was thinking today about my mothers and stepfathers Stasi regime in my home. When i was of young age i was suspected for having taken drugs because i was so dark under my eyes and because i was lethargic. It turned out that i lacked of iron.

Even if there was many other possibilities my stepfather immediately suspected that i had taken something.
I think that a good parent should know the difference!
Taking drugs can really alter a persons attitude.
I was an adolescence(first my stepfather had ever had any experience with at that time).

My mother went into a closet where i had hid a bottle of dry vermouth when i was about 14 years old.
(this was long after my drug test) and it was the first time i had been drinking.
I wonder how she knew where to look for it, since i always washed my clothes, and this shelf was just full of woolly jumpers and socks.
She was spying on me, and now i wonder if they had controls in my bedroom often, and what they snooked around in?
I don`t like that feeling of being watched and accused. It gives me a feeling that (my stepfather aka purvis) was looking for a reason to yell at me or to get me. He was otherwise so little engaged in my life so i wonder why he was so engaged in this?
Just to clear some things up, i was quite good behaved in my adolescences. I must have seemed a bit distant and why didn`t my mother take that up with me?
Again i know its because she knew i had problems because of the lack of a father.
And she knew this was her8and my stepfathers) fault so she never took it up.

I hope that people understand that the actions you take out when you are in a large family, will have an impact on many others. This void has had a huge impact on me and i don`t think its that easy to live with it. When it is so many things she could have done instead of isolating me from my own father, i don`t forgive her.
Because i know there are so many other ways she should/could have handled this.

Loosing a father isn`t just a bit of ignorance it is a void and a big one.
There is a stupid impression going around that fathers don`t matter as much as mothers do, but they actually do!
In Norway it is now much more difficult to have a one parent upbringing, fathers are getting more rights in the divorce, something they lacked of before.
I read somewhere that in 99% of the cases before, the mother would always get the children.
Now my parents didn`t have a case or go to court, they settled this stupid agreement outside.

I know they had been to a family therapist to get help with the divorce, but then they had an argument on the phone afterwards and changed everything they had agreed on in the first place.

I was never allowed to speak about my father when i was home, so i think that is why i have so many problems today. Shutting in feelings is one of the most stupid and dumb thing a person should have to do.
In one way it is a bit like closing the door when you know that there is a child on the other side of the door who needs to come out.
She shut all my feelings inside of me in that way, and for this i am not going to just forgive her, i am going to hate her for the rest of my life.

Problems seem to be the only thing i am getting! If its not mine then its someone else's
I am sick of having someone else`s problem all over me all the time.
I have had a long gruelling fight with somebody on line.

He has so many problems but is afraid to share them with anyone, so he starts criticising me for mine instead.

I had/have a problem with cell changes.

The thing about that is that when i asked my gynaecologist if i needed to tell my new partners about it, he said no.

I am sure that if it had come up later in our relationship it wouldn`t have meant a thing to him, but since he read it somewhere where i happened to have mentioned it, he leaves me before our relationship gets serious.


I think its astounding regarding how many people who have this virus, that can cause the cell changes, its 50-80%! And with a very low chances of this being harmful to him, he stills goes on dating other women.


I have dated men with who had serious problems like diabetes, psychiatric problems, i have even dated a guy who had ED and needed to use viagra.

A man who sets such high unrealistic standards to his girlfriends can`t be completely sick free himself! I am betting that he is dumping me to avoid to talk about his own problems, and they are many and big.
He also has a virus inside his body that makes his joints stiff and his body weaker.

Its probably not easy to live with someone as old and frail as he really is and i bet since he has admitted to me that he has ED problems, that he has been taking viagra.
And his girlfriend is probably gonna be all nice about it.
Why isn`t he nice to me about my problems???
He doesn`t deserve her!

That never changed my opinion of them

I am trying to live a life after having a bad stepfather and a bad family situation in general, when i read that many children die of physical harm made by their parents.

I think that many people have problems with their families.
Its so unfair because so many grow up with good parents, it seems like a lack of good faith, or a poor(er)destiny.

Looking at history to try to piece the puzzle together is a waste of ones time.
For those who have strength to get away from bad family situations i strongly advice them to do so.

I had a stepfather who "chased" me both mentally and physically around in the house.
He was the most critical person i grew up with next to my mother.

I wish he hadn`t come into our lives because i saw the decline in others and myself so strongly coming up that i am in shock of my mothers weaknesses, for not stopping his daily bullying of me, my father and my siblings.

Its like he strives on having a conflict with her last family so he can feel important to her life!?

I hate family arguments or anything reminding me of them because i know that someone always claim to have more importance, and he or she will step over dead people to prove it.

I saw a documentary about the builders of the new buildings where the twin towers stood, one of the builders had come from Ireland because of a broken family.
He said something that has been following me for years: "when you fail its all on you".

I knew exactly what he meant as it is what i have felt like too for many years.

A broken family doesn`t always consist of illness and/or death it can be "dead" relationships where you can`t talk to each other anymore, resentment, poverty, bitterness. In fact it is all the problems that could occur in a broken relationship with a man and woman, except it contains a whole family with many children.

It is so important that parents learn their children about prevention in a early age, because many of the marriages that fail and are ugly, are the ones made in vanity of young age.

The ones who pick up their tab are their children, and i don`t think that is a good enough foundation for a long life where you have to encounter so many people.

My stepfather "follows" me inside my head to this day with all his negative and criticising remarks.
That parents hate their own children is not a lie.
Sometimes that happens to be the truth.
My mother couldn`t or wouldn`t control his anger and we were always put between them whenever they had a stand still in their relationship.

My stepfather has given me a low self esteem and many other negative feelings in my life.
My whole family has given many negative feelings.

This is not how i want to live my life.

Even if you do move away from them you don`t always get the peace you were seeking for. They follow you and accuse you for leaving them too!?

Its not as easy as having problems with an ex, its much harder.

I have read that mothers who have abusive husbands have to leave and change adresse, name and phone number.

This is to protect themselves.
How do you protect yourself from a bad stepfather if you are a child and your mother don`t bother doing anything, even if she knows it was bad of him?

The police can protect so many people but not children in poor or bad family situations.

In countries where food is lush and money gives, it is strange that we should have any problems.

Like as if money, clothes and food can solve everything.

Maybe it should be more focus on divorced children?
Perhaps the psychiatry should have more insight into children?

Even when its not so easy to spot, as it was in my situation because my stepfather would always act nice as soon as people were around him, then he would go back into being a careless $#%^, when they had left.

I think the damage he has left inside of me is worse then anything!
He used to say to my older sister when they were arguing that he would make sure no doctor would treat...

[ Continued ]

I had a evil phone call yesterday that woke me up at 2 pm...
It was my doctor calling me back for another test.
You never want to hear that from your doctor, when you think everything was fine, but there you go! You never know what happens!

I am schedule for another cancer test in two weeks. Don`t know what is going to happen?
Perhaps they just take another test and its negative(doc said it could be a false pos ) or they take another piece of me and then i am well, but maybe can`t have any children? Or.....i will look like this in a coffin (well..maybe not green).

Not so easy to know with cancer

I haven`t had any chemotherapy, haven`t gotten that serious yet. Hope i don`t need it this time neither.
Well! Not a good news...i was hoping i was rid off it for good after last treatment.
Doctor said that only 5-10% get relapse after surgery.
That number doesn`t really say anything to me...


I don`t want a long conversation about this unless i want it.

Thx for reading

Edit 30 okt 11: Went to doctor again for more tests, no results yet, will get them in one or two weeks, so i will be alive for primo nov 2011 at least, after that i don`t know????