Memories and life coming back online; just a beginning; a very very very small beginning; but its arrived.
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Think of a Dam; concrete; big and tall; think of water holes; tiny holes spilling water through the holes...
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Parts of me; memories are showing up. These are slivers of memories; not of me being tortured by the past; these are the child in me coming forward to live; Hes here...
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Memories of many things are right next to me; just need to get stronger.
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Ive been talking about family... Ive been talking about memories of thanks giving when I was a kid and Christmas. Im remembering my house when child; all the good stuff. Some of it; its starting to show up because the child is showing up and taking over... he is integrating with me. Child and Adult are wanting to become one. He is under and I am over; Im seeing his memories and hes seeing my authority to run my life.
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He has his dreams and those dreams are not attached yet; I remember them; but thats way to much for now. What I do remember is the street I grew up on; many more things are showing up; day to day things that created my identity; All my independent experiences.
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Slivers of memories are showing up. They are much thicker and richer and deeper and Im more present in them and they in me; Im not fully secure or free; Im scared still; Scared to feel totally free to feel them and remember them and believe them; believe in them.... Im still the watcher from the outside and still angry about it; but they keep showing up in slivers... \
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Today Ive had this going on since I got up this morning.
The goal is to get back that middle class life I created when I was a boy; And I created it. I loved it; I had no reason to get rid of it; someone else came along and got rid of it. I was all for building my life...
Many things are happening;
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Im starting to Fues into present reality. But Im doing it with out any parents or their house or cars... thats whats most important and Im doing it without the best friend from my childhood; that is extremely important for he was evil and a fake friend. Not real at all; scary stuff. He was a sociopath kind of; pathological performer... No human conscious... I never saw it; he was faking it; never saw it.
So; Im beginning what I asked God to help me become; the person I was as a child; and Im starting to see those memories of roaming around my neighborhood; but this is just a beginning; for it is way to hard on me to experience that; re experience it because it will be taken from me at some point and ill feel that trauma again; and that would not be a good thing for that is lights out!
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So; I had hopes and dreams and many things. And I think the original me will come forth more n more; when and how I feel safe that bullies or rapists or psychopaths are not in the facility to hurt me or abuse me control me or ease me or kidnap me... or dismantle my identity.
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The original middle class guy is showing up. I remember all the things I was going to and be when I grew up; all the experiences and they never happened; no of them....
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So; much fear because bad memories of bad times have to be processed as well. And 7th grade. I hope God turns that into a movie on a tv screen in my head that I know Im safe on the other side... not yet; but its coming I think; I hope. Lots of dissociation circling around that time period. Bad bad bad.
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I remember skying. Going skiing in the mornings with my Dad; coming home at night; coming down off the mountain to the chalet to eat and then home; and when home; warm and a fire and Id watch Star Trek and make plastic model kits or call my friend and go visit him; he lived down the street.
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And many of my memories will come back with time and my over all feeling of my town when a child and what I was suppose to do.
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The number one issue is feeling safe. God will have to supply that for me; its not here...

[ Continued ]