Been some days since I updated. Things are up and down, mostly bad.
But trying hard to get myself together.
That's all I can say for now.

But not at the same time.
Generally a good day with a lot of motivation (in comparison to what the hell happened yesterday???). Had a really really tough run today, a mini marathon of 70 min, but it felt so good when I was done.
Keep working on my BDD thesis. There are a lot of info to get down, going slow but good.

Eating my naaasty chicken, then going to sleep. Nighty night

3 dl oatmeal porrige
2 dl protein drink
0,25 dl olive oil

Total: 670 kcal,

in front of me. This is breakfast. Starting a new period ahead which means treating body and soul in the best way. To give me new reasons to be proud, as to balance with negative self-thoughts that will arise.

Yesterday I pushed myself a little too hard, which is common at start when motivation is sky high. A little too heavy weight-lifting and a little too much running from a long period of rest. It left me not only unable to eat anything (which contributes even more to the exhaustion cycle) for the rest of the day, but also left me flat out on my bed from 4 pm, with migraine, dehydration, yet inability to sleep until early this morning. It was a bad experience, like a really bad hang over.
Well, the thing about working out is to feel more energetic and experience a higher state of well-being, is to eat properly. A strict low calorie diet is a hard struggle, against your body's needs, against your hunger. That is nothing I am intending of doing. I know this is not a fitness forum, but I will keep down my thoughts on my progresses here in any case, as it is linked with my general mental state.

I am going to eat A LOT. I am going to work out HARD. I am going to run FAR. This will supply my body with all necessary nutrients, set my metabolism going, plus the running will provide that extra fat burning, the result factor, which we also need to continue to be motivated. If you are interested to know I will eat no less than 2300 calories, and try to keep a 4-5 day/week workout plan. Trust me, eating 2300 calories worth of HEALTHY food is NOT easy.

Main aim is to maintain discipline. Discipline is important in our lives, especially when we are adults with jobs, schools, children and other tasks that needs to be done, no matter what.
The key is PLANNING. With the right planning anything is possible. In the weekend I have made food enough to cover my 5 day need of the week. Cooked and portioned.

I will also try to enjoy, even if at the beginning workout is more pain than pleasure. But it will catch up, as I feel more strength, and more energized.

I have no particular goal for now, just to practice a disciplined life, to remind myself that I can still do anything if I just fight hard for it.
Better defined muscles are of course welcome But I do not want to focus on that kind of goal that takes focus from the long road leading there.

I owe this to myself now that I have been upset and disappointed with myself for a long time.

To add, I am a normal weight, average height. This is not as much a "biggest looser" thing as it is a discipline challenge.

My biggest challenge at the moment is how to get all this food down my throat. I know it will get easier with time, as the metabolism will increase, so will also my hunger. Plus, high metabolism also makes you warmer, and thats just perfect considering the cold season we are now going into

Jogging, on life and death.

After 20 minutes of continuous running along our river, watching 7 beautiful white swans paddling along, my roads are cross with this elderly crocked-legged man in his 75-80’s who was also out on his jogging tour. We ran along each other’s sides for about 10 seconds, we felt bonded in the way joggers do, we understand each other’s suffering. Where after he slowly distanced meter by meter away from me....IN FRONT. OK I thought, its FINE, it can be a good way of pushing myself to keep up with the same pace as him, keep me going there at a good distance of 10 meters between us. But as the minutes passed...I found myself eventually 100 meters behind him...then another 50... i was thinking “How do you do it? How do you do it???“ After another 50 meter I lost my complete self-respect and I couldn’t bear the thought of returning home knowing I had been defeated by a 75 year old man. Seeing him bouncing there 200 meters away from me in his blue jogging suit, that..just..did it for me, I decided: I am going to get you old man. So with the depths of my strengths I pushed my extra forces in, and I ran and I ran, faster, faster, I was getting closer, I didn’t care anymore that I sounded like a horse in heat, all I thought was “Im gonna get you! I’m gonna get you!!”
I focused on his steps, his crocked cowboy spaghetti legs.
Only 5 meters away from him I felt the animalistic instinct of desire!! I put in the maximum gear and I made a spurt as the sprinter does before the finish line, or as felt, the cheetah just before the attack of its prey. And those last meters I had a big victorious smile on my wrecked face of sweat. I did it! I did it! I had passed by him!! Oh my lord the satisfaction!
But I realized how strange it would have been to just stop all of the sudden right there so had to continue in a slower pace for another few meters to show off my fantastic shape.
And then I stopped, stretched out my arms in victory (and to be able to breathe), just to 2 seconds later be passed by the blue suited crocked legged man, just continuing his Saturday stroll in the sunset.
Well.................

I need not to mention I walked in pace zero for the last half hour home. Now I am cooking chicken, but I'm doing it, as a champion.

Now this is what amazes me. After such a terrible depressive state I was in for a few days, i am back in the top today. What the hell is going on??????? This is what terrifies me. The ups are so great, but the lows...they are so low...as low as it goes.... suicidal, hopelessness... It is so hard. So easy to see a future today, yesterday it was impossible. I have decided to take up on the medication I used for only 6 months (or less) 2 years ago. I cannot go on like this. More unstable than a zebra on a wire.
We can become so self destructive, and we make ourselves believe we are nothing in this world, and has nothing to contribute. Its time for me to declare myself defeated and be a nice girl and take my medication. Back then I took Seroxat, and as I stopped abruptly, I can not even explain the effects of that withdrawl......... I think I will try for something else this time, because the Seroxat took away some important aspects in my relationship...

Today I picked up my book "The Broken Mirror" !!! It is thicker than I expected and I am looking forward to start reading it.
Tonight I also saw the very last Twilight movie with a friend. Great and gross at times, surely entertaining movie.

Its very cold outside, but hoping I can start on my jog tomorrow. Jogging/running for long periods is one thing I really enjoy doing.

Now I will go to sleep.