So, now I´m better. Much better. What is it now, a few hours since my last entry? But buckle up, things move fast around here.

After speaking to friend, and boyfriend, stamped in cat poop and walked in it around the apartment, cleaned it up from everywhere, washed my foot, made a cup of tea, lit some candles, with the incense smoke fogging my view, I can say that I am ready to get down to business.

DSM-IV-TR are you ready

Bad day.

Need not say more.

10th day alone.

Sipping coconut Malibu. Festive.

(Warning for rhymes)

It is cold... It is night...
I am alone. In this fight.

Going like this from one extreme to another,
I sometimes question why I try, why I bother.

Fries were tasty. House is clean.
Managed to make a meal, even a washing machine.

This daily struggle to keep my life in order,
exhausting attempt fighting Body Dysmorphic Disorder.

Although house so quiet without the honey,
I breakout in laughs when cat is funny.

A little sad and restless, but that´s just me...
in my cozy onepiece sipping tea.

This is the 14th cup that I drink.
Can’t get to work, focus or think.

Staring out at the grey moon light...
This is going to be a damn long night....

I have felt ok these days too.
I have looked pretty, but today there is a slight difference and cannot properly make the makeup to benefit me perfectly, even though I think I look pretty now.

I have realized that if I know that I can look really beautiful, then I cannot accept looking anything less than that. And it will bug me. It brings my spirit down a bit, despite the fact that I totally feel like Im in the "look" of being outside, shopping etc. Now what is stopping me is my mood. Tricky.

Two years ago when I was taking SSRIs I used to handle the bad days better. I stopped them after 6 months because because I felt better, which is a very bad reason. Of course I felt better, it was thanks to them. There were also a few side effects that mattered, so I stopped. I think the past two years have been the hardest to manage for me ever regarding my appearance. No medicine, no psychotherapy, only me and my "rituals".

I asked my mentor/old psychiatrist if I should go back on the antidepressants now again, because I still have bad days. She said that it seems as if I am managing well, so she doesnt think that I need to.

I think she is wrong, but its not her fault, because I acted very confident and normal and I didnt tell her how much I actually suffer. Since I am doing my thesis with her I dont want her to think I am incapable and will be a hard student to work with.
I hoped that she would prescribe me something that day, but she couldnt read my mind and I havent yet discovered telepathy, so of course, for the common eye I may seem normal. That is an exhausting act to put on every day.

I want to be positive because of the good week that I have behind me, as I realize I will have a rough period ahead now that the makeup is changing.

The good thing is that its week end, and I can relax at home. Hopefully get a lot of writing done about BDD. I have learned a lot of new things about it. And I have realized that I need help, more help than my makeup can give. This is not a sustainable solution.

But I am trapped, one more year of hard studies. This will not get easy.

Dear diary,

Today was also a good day.
I have been home all day working on my thesis and doing normal people stuff lol. No direct challenges.
Even though I am home alone for some time ahead now I still wear my makeup for myself. It is always very very hard to look at myself when completely without it. Its an inexpressible nightmare. But with it I go around in the house looking pretty. Fooling myself yes. Works? Yes. Plus there can always be an unexpected guest, so i´m better off wearing it.

The day has been good partly because I still look good (3 days in a row), and partly because I been productive. The latter due to the first.

Oh, I´m so normal. *sarcasm*