Yesterday I was frustrated and angry that our kids have cut us out of so much of their lives. It is hard to believe that after all the years we put into them, giving them the best lives possible (except that I was not able to be an "attached" mother, that's all), that they just don't want anything to do with us. I know everyone says time will heal, but it seems that things set in more firmly so far. Last night I acted out some of my borderline behavior. I got irritable, frustrated, and even somewhat angry. My DH took some time to help me figure out how to use this blog and back up my photos. I did not thank him, but struggled with understanding some of what he was telling me. One thing that often happens is that when he tells me he is angry or upset with what is going on with the kids and how some of my "choices" led to disaster, I get guilty and remorseful, then sorrowful about what I have caused to our family. This puts me in a vulnerable mood that leads to me wanting to be more distant because I don't "deserve" to be loved or loving. When I get into the "I am a bad person" mode badly enough, my tendency is to withdraw rather than pull in close. I have been mostly able to pull in close, but not last night. This is crazy borderline behavior, because my DH has done nothing to deserve distance from me. Yes, I have caused him pain, but he does not usually put it back to ME being the cause—just the situation at hand is bothering him. I always bring it back to blaming myself or he wouldn't be in the position he is in. This is not good behavior on my part. He put up with too much of this during our marriage. In the evening, he told me he was not happy with my borderline acting out and does not want to put up with any of it. This was a big step for him to speak out. So, today I am feeling more quiet and watchful. Nothing happened to cause me to lie, but it was an evening that lacked being as close as usual and I felt we did not connect as well as usual. I was sad about this, but knew I was the one at fault. I just don't know what to do about our kids. They keep bringing us back to stress because of their seemingly united behaviors of keeping things impersonal. Since they don't want to talk about any of the things we've gone through in the past two years, does anyone have any suggestions for how to gradually invite them back into a more personal and loving relationship at least with their dad? I will have to really work on staying even keeled this holiday weekend and don't even know if I/we should call the kids who are gathered together for the week to wish them a happy July 4th. It is not even a holiday we care about. But, it is symbolic of the broken situation we are in thanks to my borderline and lying behaviors that led me to have an affair and bust up our family. Thanks for reading about my frustrations. I hope I have a better day today.

Yesterday I was supposed to hear back about a job I interviewed for, but no call came. I cannot seem to find any kind of job at all, so we are gearing up for me to not work and tighten our belts even more.

Also, I forgot to mention that, after two years, I finally called my brother who I had been "close" to before and during my affair. I even stayed at his house as a cover. My husband was furious that my brother didn't put a stop to my destructive behavior by calling my husband to say what I was about to head into by having an affair. Needless to say, my husband is not too happy with this brother. But, I finally did break the silence I told him I needed to heal. It was awkward, but he is an NA sponsor and knows the ropes. He was glad to hear from me, but I did not go into any details about anything—just a basic update. Then, he left a voicemail thanking me for calling and getting in touch again. I do not want him as a confidant as I did two and three years ago when I was really in a borderline state.

That's the jist of today and it is not eve...

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I hate holidays. They are usually fake and disappointing. Mothers' Day was always a bust because they were just ordinary days where I still had to take care of kids, cook, etc. Now, since I had an affair two years ago, they are excruciating. Three of our kids are together for the week and didn't even invite my husband and me. So, it is very painful to feel excluded from our children and their personal lives, which they now keep private and out of our knowledge. Because my DH decided to keep me for the person he knew I was, they have cut him out of their lives as well. As it turns out, though, I am becoming the person I was inside before it got covered up by my dysfunctional family when I was born (the eldest of 4). I have beat my NOT lying record and was feeling pretty good. I have stopped all of my negative behaviors and put any questions forth to my husband for feedback. Knowing our kids are together (except for one) hurts us and reminds me of the horrible things I did two years ago and before that. So, tonight I feel dirty and unhappy with myself. That said, I also have found God and see His grace at work in me and our marriage. I have nothing but gratitude for this, and it is what keeps me going in an honest and dedicated manner. I NEVER want to go back to where I was before I gave up my private spaces in my own selfish head. I only want to live by the morals and values put forth in the bible, which is fairly new for me in my life. It is working though. July 4th will not be a happy day though and I struggle about whether or not to call the same children who get together but exclude us. Will it be intrusive to their happy day? I don't want to cause any more damage than necessary, which is hopefully none. It is unbearably sad to lose our grown kids, and it only seems to set in more after time, rather than lessen. Since none of them want to talk about what happened, why, and what we have done to uncover and retrain, we are left where we were two years ago. I would so much like to be able to explain to our children what these past two years have been about, what I have learned, and how it affects them. No way, though. They are adamant about this, so it seems impossible to have healing take place. We'll throw something on the BBQ and call it a day. It is 3 weeks since I've told a lie. That's the good news. Also, since feeling God's grace in my life and the love for my husband, I have begun to not feel so empty but am gaining a sense of who I am and finding a foundation to build on. I am pleased with how this is going, but I have rough times like today. I am thankful. Perhaps even the affair was grace that allowed me to finally stop my stupid horrible behavior and get a grip on life. Things between my husband and me just keep getting better in ways that even we couldn't think up, which is why it seems like God has a hand in what is happening. This is very good news.

6/21/11
Today was a difficult day because our youngest son (20) just left a week after 3 of our other kids were here. If anyone has read my posts, you know that I had an affair 2 years ago that blew apart our family. My husband knew he loved me and wanted to keep me, but the kids all pulled back because I lied for about two months afterwards and five months before the affair. So, I anticipated their visit with some anxiety, but we didn't talk about "it" and likely never will. I just cooked, did dishes, and tried to be gracious enough to just give them a good, comfortable place to come "home" to. Our youngest is the son I am closest to and I really miss him. Also, during their visit, we had to put down the last of our 3 Labs. Today I met a friend from out of town and was not even tempted to tell any lies, though she knew what I had gone through. I may have made a huge step in my progress by keeping no private places in my head from my husband. Without private places, it is impossible to lie. I am on day 11 of not lying after several false starts before. So, though I am conflicted about the events of the day, I am happy to report that my husband and I feel we have passed the worst part of our marriage and are working in the present with the grace of God.

-- Sat Jun 25, 2011 11:48 am --

6/24/11: How do the days slip by? Yesterday I went into town to do errands, but mostly to interview for a job. I was prepared and had a good, but only 10 minute interview because the woman was in the middle of computer problems. I think it went well and I was prepared with all my BPD issues and had them in check. Throughout the day, I ended up speaking with several people in shops or on Main Street. I was appropriate and cordial, but not overly involved. My husband went to dinner with a good friend of his, so I called his brother and talked to him for a while. I did not divulge private information, but was able to give an accurate and generalized account for how we were all doing in the family. I also talked to the landlord/friend I knew from Albuquerque and had a very connected and nice talk with him. Both he and husband's brother are in new and good relationships that I hope work out for them. During the day, I missed my husband and called a few times just to say I loved him and see what he was working on. I was so glad when he came home after his dinner. I worked on photos and had a pleasant evening. I have found that I have been talking more about people we know and how I see them and who they seem to be. I am becoming clearer now that I have BPD guidelines to work with to look more clearly at what I used to skim over in people. There is a HUGE drop off between the kind of intimate relationship I have with my husband and the rest of people, even including our kids. I am really valuing the relationship we are building, and we are both becoming much happier. As for the job, I have learned to not expect anything, so I am not bothered this time about whether I'll get it or not. I'll just wait until the end of next weeks when she will let me know.

I came home around 4:30 p.m. and was aware again that there were no dogs in the pasture running to meet me. I was very sad that all of our dogs are gone now. I also found some clothes that one of my sons left and was sad that my kids were gone. I seem to get anxious or agitated around this time every day. I am trying to find out why. I stayed somewhat sad all evening, but talked it all over with DH. It is so good to be open and honest with nothing to hide or lie about. This offsets some of the sadness today.

-- Mon Jun 27, 2011 12:11 pm --

6/27/11
Yesterday was a mixture of feelings for me. Since my affair two years ago, I had cut off from the people who didn't stop me or who encouraged me. That included my siblings. In the last month I have contacted my sister and one brother. This brother is in rehab for drugs and divorcing his second wife. My sister is married and in a CoD group....

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