6/21/11
Today was a difficult day because our youngest son (20) just left a week after 3 of our other kids were here. If anyone has read my posts, you know that I had an affair 2 years ago that blew apart our family. My husband knew he loved me and wanted to keep me, but the kids all pulled back because I lied for about two months afterwards and five months before the affair. So, I anticipated their visit with some anxiety, but we didn't talk about "it" and likely never will. I just cooked, did dishes, and tried to be gracious enough to just give them a good, comfortable place to come "home" to. Our youngest is the son I am closest to and I really miss him. Also, during their visit, we had to put down the last of our 3 Labs. Today I met a friend from out of town and was not even tempted to tell any lies, though she knew what I had gone through. I may have made a huge step in my progress by keeping no private places in my head from my husband. Without private places, it is impossible to lie. I am on day 11 of not lying after several false starts before. So, though I am conflicted about the events of the day, I am happy to report that my husband and I feel we have passed the worst part of our marriage and are working in the present with the grace of God.

-- Sat Jun 25, 2011 11:48 am --

6/24/11: How do the days slip by? Yesterday I went into town to do errands, but mostly to interview for a job. I was prepared and had a good, but only 10 minute interview because the woman was in the middle of computer problems. I think it went well and I was prepared with all my BPD issues and had them in check. Throughout the day, I ended up speaking with several people in shops or on Main Street. I was appropriate and cordial, but not overly involved. My husband went to dinner with a good friend of his, so I called his brother and talked to him for a while. I did not divulge private information, but was able to give an accurate and generalized account for how we were all doing in the family. I also talked to the landlord/friend I knew from Albuquerque and had a very connected and nice talk with him. Both he and husband's brother are in new and good relationships that I hope work out for them. During the day, I missed my husband and called a few times just to say I loved him and see what he was working on. I was so glad when he came home after his dinner. I worked on photos and had a pleasant evening. I have found that I have been talking more about people we know and how I see them and who they seem to be. I am becoming clearer now that I have BPD guidelines to work with to look more clearly at what I used to skim over in people. There is a HUGE drop off between the kind of intimate relationship I have with my husband and the rest of people, even including our kids. I am really valuing the relationship we are building, and we are both becoming much happier. As for the job, I have learned to not expect anything, so I am not bothered this time about whether I'll get it or not. I'll just wait until the end of next weeks when she will let me know.

I came home around 4:30 p.m. and was aware again that there were no dogs in the pasture running to meet me. I was very sad that all of our dogs are gone now. I also found some clothes that one of my sons left and was sad that my kids were gone. I seem to get anxious or agitated around this time every day. I am trying to find out why. I stayed somewhat sad all evening, but talked it all over with DH. It is so good to be open and honest with nothing to hide or lie about. This offsets some of the sadness today.

-- Mon Jun 27, 2011 12:11 pm --

6/27/11
Yesterday was a mixture of feelings for me. Since my affair two years ago, I had cut off from the people who didn't stop me or who encouraged me. That included my siblings. In the last month I have contacted my sister and one brother. This brother is in rehab for drugs and divorcing his second wife. My sister is married and in a CoD group. My last (youngest) brother I contacted yesterday. He was the one I was closest to and talked to the most. That is also where I went when I had the affair and was a total mess at my brother's house. My husband was especially angry that my brother did not let DH know what was about to hit him and potentially save disaster. I felt that, after two years, it was time to at least just say hello. It was awkward and uncomfortable, but also just a breakthrough of family silence. (Though, in my case, that is a GOOD thing!). Anyway, that left me feeling dirty and remembering the horrible time when the man I was seeing told me (but he's a liar) that his wife found out and that he could no longer see me. All this happened at my brother's house and I was so confused and upset. So, the call made me feel anxious and remorseful about looking back at such an ugly time when my DH and I have gotten past most of "the past" and are working on the present.

Luckily, I also had time to do some art work and try something new. It was fairly successful, so I will try more today. I also will find out about whether I will have a job by the end of the week, which I have mixed feelings about because it may just be 2-3 days per week at a fairly low salary. It would also mean leaving my husband who is home for the summer. As a BPD, I do not to well with ambiguity, so I was quite agitated by the end of the day. Two things came out of this day, however: first, I did not lie or do anything inappropriate when speaking with my brother. Second, by evening, I remembered that I had not gone to God with my problems. I offered them up in prayer and instantly felt better. If I feel I am in God's hands and make the effort to follow His word, not only am I less likely to do anything borderline or lying, but am able to turn over my fears and ambiguities to Him. That seems to really help me calm down. I read one place that to pray for 10 minutes a day is the least we can commit to for our recovery. If we don't have 10 minutes to pray, then what are we committing ourselves to? The prayer given was, "Oh, Lord, have mercy on me." I've also been told to pray with only gratitude, but I must admit that I pray for the lord's strength, for my husband and children to be watched over as well. Some days I have such a mixture of feelings and reactions that it wears me out. I talked this all out with my DH and asked for comfort and reassurance, which he gave.

One of the most valuable things I've learned about getting out of BPD is to keep no secretive places within myself. This has been the key to my freedom. I can tell my husband what I want or need, what is upsetting me, and how I feel. He freely gives me what I need and I freely let him know how much he means to me and how caring he is. Once I "remembered" God in the evening, my anxiety let right up, but I did want some good hugging and closeness. These kinds of days unnerve me and used to cause me some trouble on occasion. Now, I just am forthright and tell everything and anything, which cuts out feeling like I am hiding or doing something "bad." I was not a religious person until I began to really relate to prayer after recognizing that so much of our healing was beyond our control and that it must have been the grace of God. So, thank you, heavenly Father and earthly husband.

I am still sad to have no dog in our pasture and no kids visiting. Three of them, plus son-in-law are getting together for a week and didn't invite us. Sometimes I feel excluded, but also know that they have a better time just being together by themselves. I also talked to my daughter and told her I love her. She never responds, which hurts.

I am up to day 17 without lying or doing anything inappropriate. This is my record so far, but I really think (I hate to jinx this) that I really won't go back to hiding things or keeping them to myself. It is so good to be entirely open with my husband and even works to both our advantage. So, why would I want to lose that??? Thank you DH.