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I Hate HolidaysI hate holidays. They are usually fake and disappointing. Mothers' Day was always a bust because they were just ordinary days where I still had to take care of kids, cook, etc. Now, since I had an affair two years ago, they are excruciating. Three of our kids are together for the week and didn't even invite my husband and me. So, it is very painful to feel excluded from our children and their personal lives, which they now keep private and out of our knowledge. Because my DH decided to keep me for the person he knew I was, they have cut him out of their lives as well. As it turns out, though, I am becoming the person I was inside before it got covered up by my dysfunctional family when I was born (the eldest of 4). I have beat my NOT lying record and was feeling pretty good. I have stopped all of my negative behaviors and put any questions forth to my husband for feedback. Knowing our kids are together (except for one) hurts us and reminds me of the horrible things I did two years ago and before that. So, tonight I feel dirty and unhappy with myself. That said, I also have found God and see His grace at work in me and our marriage. I have nothing but gratitude for this, and it is what keeps me going in an honest and dedicated manner. I NEVER want to go back to where I was before I gave up my private spaces in my own selfish head. I only want to live by the morals and values put forth in the bible, which is fairly new for me in my life. It is working though. July 4th will not be a happy day though and I struggle about whether or not to call the same children who get together but exclude us. Will it be intrusive to their happy day? I don't want to cause any more damage than necessary, which is hopefully none. It is unbearably sad to lose our grown kids, and it only seems to set in more after time, rather than lessen. Since none of them want to talk about what happened, why, and what we have done to uncover and retrain, we are left where we were two years ago. I would so much like to be able to explain to our children what these past two years have been about, what I have learned, and how it affects them. No way, though. They are adamant about this, so it seems impossible to have healing take place. We'll throw something on the BBQ and call it a day. It is 3 weeks since I've told a lie. That's the good news. Also, since feeling God's grace in my life and the love for my husband, I have begun to not feel so empty but am gaining a sense of who I am and finding a foundation to build on. I am pleased with how this is going, but I have rough times like today. I am thankful. Perhaps even the affair was grace that allowed me to finally stop my stupid horrible behavior and get a grip on life. Things between my husband and me just keep getting better in ways that even we couldn't think up, which is why it seems like God has a hand in what is happening. This is very good news.
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