Yesterday I was frustrated and angry that our kids have cut us out of so much of their lives. It is hard to believe that after all the years we put into them, giving them the best lives possible (except that I was not able to be an "attached" mother, that's all), that they just don't want anything to do with us. I know everyone says time will heal, but it seems that things set in more firmly so far. Last night I acted out some of my borderline behavior. I got irritable, frustrated, and even somewhat angry. My DH took some time to help me figure out how to use this blog and back up my photos. I did not thank him, but struggled with understanding some of what he was telling me. One thing that often happens is that when he tells me he is angry or upset with what is going on with the kids and how some of my "choices" led to disaster, I get guilty and remorseful, then sorrowful about what I have caused to our family. This puts me in a vulnerable mood that leads to me wanting to be more distant because I don't "deserve" to be loved or loving. When I get into the "I am a bad person" mode badly enough, my tendency is to withdraw rather than pull in close. I have been mostly able to pull in close, but not last night. This is crazy borderline behavior, because my DH has done nothing to deserve distance from me. Yes, I have caused him pain, but he does not usually put it back to ME being the cause—just the situation at hand is bothering him. I always bring it back to blaming myself or he wouldn't be in the position he is in. This is not good behavior on my part. He put up with too much of this during our marriage. In the evening, he told me he was not happy with my borderline acting out and does not want to put up with any of it. This was a big step for him to speak out. So, today I am feeling more quiet and watchful. Nothing happened to cause me to lie, but it was an evening that lacked being as close as usual and I felt we did not connect as well as usual. I was sad about this, but knew I was the one at fault. I just don't know what to do about our kids. They keep bringing us back to stress because of their seemingly united behaviors of keeping things impersonal. Since they don't want to talk about any of the things we've gone through in the past two years, does anyone have any suggestions for how to gradually invite them back into a more personal and loving relationship at least with their dad? I will have to really work on staying even keeled this holiday weekend and don't even know if I/we should call the kids who are gathered together for the week to wish them a happy July 4th. It is not even a holiday we care about. But, it is symbolic of the broken situation we are in thanks to my borderline and lying behaviors that led me to have an affair and bust up our family. Thanks for reading about my frustrations. I hope I have a better day today.

Yesterday I was supposed to hear back about a job I interviewed for, but no call came. I cannot seem to find any kind of job at all, so we are gearing up for me to not work and tighten our belts even more.

Also, I forgot to mention that, after two years, I finally called my brother who I had been "close" to before and during my affair. I even stayed at his house as a cover. My husband was furious that my brother didn't put a stop to my destructive behavior by calling my husband to say what I was about to head into by having an affair. Needless to say, my husband is not too happy with this brother. But, I finally did break the silence I told him I needed to heal. It was awkward, but he is an NA sponsor and knows the ropes. He was glad to hear from me, but I did not go into any details about anything—just a basic update. Then, he left a voicemail thanking me for calling and getting in touch again. I do not want him as a confidant as I did two and three years ago when I was really in a borderline state.

That's the jist of today and it is not even 11 a.m. yet. I hope I pull myself together. I am feeling better, but DH seems quiet, so I am worried that he is feeling some distance, which we haven't felt for a while. I will have to work on things to bring us closer together. I pray for mercy and strength to get through this long weekend. Happy Fourth to the rest of you.

good luck and i hope you find a solution to it all. take care. xo