Is relished by the wisest men...

Badly. Truly and royally pissed.

It's Q weekend on STO this weekend (it's a game, on Q weekend you get double the reward for everything) and I may just get pissed then and play like mad all night.

Yeah,.. dry cider followed by scotch is sounding really good right about now...

Mmm...

I'm tired at the moment but fear sleep, as I fear I'll wake to having my estate agent or landlord invading my home. This is what the unexpected inspection, chastisement and having to pay for apparent 'damage' to the carpet which I know I did not cause. I'm paying for it though. I feel they'll find one more thing wrong and I'll be without a home. Tenant rights kinda suck here. I'm not even certain that they have to give me a 30day notice,.. it's possible they could say "leave in 5 days." This is really screwing with my head. I'm going to have to go and pick up around the place now; not that there's anything wrong with it.

I've been sleeping very uncomfortably on my sofa in the living room so as not to be as 'surprised' when someone unexpectedly walks through my door with the keys they hold to MY home. I love the weekends, as it means there's no chance of that happening. Really, I don't think there's chance of that happening as they have to give me some notice before visiting but I don't trust them.

My ex and I got booted out of a flat here while in the middle of a 6mo lease simply as the owners wanted to sell the place. Ho-hum. That should not be allowed to occur. If one can get forced out of their flat here at the landlords whim when they've got a lease, why shouldn't I be concerned? Especially with the landlords annoyance of me not being able to make payments right on schedule due to no fault of my own.

Recently, the landlords have had 'valuers' coming by. Generally, that's done when the owners are trying to work out how much they can sell their property for! Whether I'll get a new landlord which will likely involve a new estate agency to deal with, or whether I'll be able to stay up until the end of my lease is --going by the past-- by no means certain.

I want to get out of here. This state, that is. This stress is killing me.

Almost managed my money perfectly this fortnight and now know how to do it perfectly next fortnight. I did nothing impulsive or self-destructive although it was hard to fight it.

The best thing my ex ever did for me is leave. I wanted her gone anyway but was concerned I couldn't go it alone. I can do so much better than her and I knew it for a while. I know I'll find someone new but I'm not so confident she will. No one who will stick around and put up with her $#%^ like I did for 7 years anyway.

Right before I leave here and move to a new city, I'm going to throw my wedding band into the ocean.

I don't need anyone taking care of me at all, I'm just fine...

I've given BPD a big kick up the a$$ and I achieved without the help of a psychiatrist or psychologist either. I have neither at the moment (not that I don't plan on getting new ones). Well, psychiatric medication helped. I look forward to further kicking the $#%^ out of BPD. Its got nothing on me! BUT, most importantly, I'll be doing it MY way!

Credit: First, me; a lot of reading on my own part to better understand my disorder and what drives it -- and additional work and thought on my part to learn how to live, this board and all I've learned from people here, and a few individuals who both gave me massive pointers as well as a lot of emotional support. I couldn't have done it so successfully without any of this, or any of you. You, at the very least, hastened what would have taken me a little while to work out as you already had key knowledge in areas I needed knowledge in.

Now I'm looking toward my future, and this city is my past. My future lies somewhere new. Somewhere where it's possible to build a new future, and somewhere I'll fit in well. Somewhere that actually has people and is in reach of other places with people. It's true, I lived with her here, married for 5 years, but my life is truly starting now. It's impossible to move on here so I'll be moving on from it. I'll be leaving this life entirely behind. She can stay here and rot. She's tied to her job.

Whatever I do and wherever I go I'll be fine.

I love to go swimmin with bow-legged women,
And swim between their legs,
Swim between their legs,
Swim between their legs...

Ohhh,

I love to go swimmin with bow-legged women

Shoot me...

(2hrs to go.)

So, that means 3:00 AM my pay will come in. I'll get a pack of cigarettes, probably smoke it in about 2 hours as one pointed out. Yep, I shall sit on my sofa with my eyes closed breathing in that lovely smoke, I'll smoke three in a row. Nice, solid figure.

I need to go the grocery store and post office, so I'll probably just stay up since I'm staying up until 3 anyway, and since the buzz of having a cig after so long will have me buzzing .. in a good way. I can't wait for my brain to come back to life.

Now I'm mainly just talking bollocks, 2 1/2 hours now. You know, I could do with a drink actually and although I could buy a bottle I wont. I actually have 1/4th a bottle of scotch left. I like how cider goes with scotch. Beer see, if I'm drinking beer I drink good beer and I drink it on its own. There's more than one local brewery here so good, but affordable beer is available. I prefer hard liquor to spirits though; although, as I said I like dry cider with whiskey,.. I start with the cider, chase it after with whiskey. Sort of a giddy drunk.

But, I wont jump it to that right away, and that's even if I do. I'm just musing really. I'll just let myself enjoy feeling back to normal with caffeine+sugar+nicotine for a while. And anyway, drinking is only fun to me if I drink myself into oblivion, which is ok, since I've drink once a month these days. Maybe I would go back to once a week if I were able, I don't know. I'm not sure if I'd even want to go back.

I don't get people who drink a few beers or a glass of wine or two a day .. even to wind down after work or something, seems rather pointless to me. I mean, go hard or go home. You see, I'd rather be stone cold sober than slightly buzzed. Give me either or, the added benefit to this is one knows where they're standing (no pun intended). If you have a glass or two a day then a little bit of dumbarse - every single goddamn day. Drink yourself into neverland, or be sober, and you're a dumbarse only on occasion. A huge dumbarse, but at least it's only every now and again.

I can hold my liqour like no ones business but one thing I've learnt is you never know how you're looking through other people's eyes. Whether you're holding it well or not, they're sober, so to them you're a dumbarse regardless of your composure. Sober, I can't take someone even mildly intoxicated seriously.

I'm passing time here... but really... think about it...