Got up out of my sleep expecting to feel refreshed and better. I do not. Bad sign. I feel hollow and empty. Worse I had nightmares last night. I've had nightmares most of my life. When I first got married they freaked out the wife. Her having to wake me out of my sleep. I had them continuously for over 25 years. Then they stopped. Now I had some last night. Occasionally this will happen but those passing once in a while nightmares come and go but these were the same kind I used to have. I hope and pray to God they don't come back again. The one I remember most was I was walking through the neighborhood I'm going to move and a man approaches me and shoots me in the chest 3 times and then he stands over me and he looks like me. Then he points the gun down at me at my face and pulls the trigger killing me. Maybe it is an omen to come.

I really don't have much to lose. All the good I had like maybe a month ago has been sucked dry. Personally I don't know what happened. Things were going good and fine. And well I can handle a lot of things for sure and have my entire life. I just realized though something that I'm all alone. I'm alone. Realizing that fact was I guess pretty hard. You know I almost cried. That would of felt good maybe. I have not been able to cry real tears for a very long time. I think the last time is was kinda real tears was like over three or four years ago when I was asked to sing at my church. A solo. In the English church at that cuz normally I'm in the Spanish services but I sang a solo accapella. It's a very old song. And when I got to these words I lost it. "Praise The Lord for full salvation, God still lives upon the throne. And I know the blood still reaches, deeper than the stain is gone." I cried and couldn't even finish. Cried with mocos coming out my nose. A hideous sight. But it felt good. I wonder if other people know what it is like not being able to cry. Not having that release. They always say someone made them cry or whatever as if it is so horrible. I tell you what not being able to cry is a curse. You know why. Cuz you will never be comforted. No one will ever comfort you. No one ever knows your mourning. People just think your angry or mad. That's all they can see cuz of who your are. They never look any further.

You know I've hurt so many people in the world sometimes when I get hurt by someone else I think I deserve it. I probably do you know? But then another part of me doesn't buy it cuz throughout my lifetime I've done a lot of good for a great deal of many people. And even for them who have hurt me. That cut me down and cut me off. Even them I've helped. It seems they are unable to see this and unable to forgive. I'm glad my mother taught me to forgive. Three things I was taught as a child was not to be afraid of saying I'm sorry, I forgive you and telling someone you love them. I wish I could say sorry properly now to someone it seems I care for very much. I did the other day but man I'm angry with them too. I wish I could see them in person you know. To touch them and just say hey I'm sorry that I've hurt you and look them in the eye so they know it is true. I did apologize the best I can. It came out horrible. But I feel wronged by them and well we come from different worlds and social orders. Where I'm from we are not as well refined. Plus I'm ingrained with things I can't control as well as I would like. Basically I'm not sure what I did and that's why it is hard to apologize properly. I think maybe they are scared but I'm not so sure that is true. It could be as simple as they just don't like me at all. Think of me as something horrible. I wouldn't doubt it and well I'm used to that. Unless someone is a killer or dope dealer or gangster they don't seem to like me in a intimate way or bonding way you know. Well now this is starting to sound like some queer sh!t so fuk it I'm done talking about it.

Thing is my problems are not going to go away anytime soon. I have at...

[ Continued ]