Hello all:
Tough day. We’ve come very far, but not far enough. My husband is difficult and has issues that make getting along with him really hard. I’ve learned to ignore the outbursts, insults and flat ugly comments. Maybe I’m numb. I’m trying to have some fun, which includes riding my horse and going to shows. When I’ve gone to shows out of town by myself, I have lots of fun. Meet new people, I’m very carefree just doing things on my own schedule, etc. don’t have to worry about whether my husband is thinking I’m flirting with someone, or ignoring him or have unknowingly insulted or slighted him with some act or word. God, it’s a relief when I have these days to myself.
But the latitude I give him, to be ugly to me with few consequences, is not returned. This afternoon, I was tired and he made some stupid comment and I snapped “what on earth are you thinking.” Yes, God forbid that I sound snippy to him.
Of course he blew up, left the room, came back later and said “I really don’t like you, in fact I dislike you.” I said nothing, just kept cleaning. A few minutes later he came back and apologized and said that wasn’t true. I told him to just stick with one story and quit going back and forth, and he blew up again, saying of course I thought I was always right.
I no longer care about right and wrong or who’s being an ass today. I just want peace and happiness, period. I feel a duty to take care of that poor confused bastard but that’s it.

Hello all:

My husband had his neuropsych evaluation and we received the report. It focused on his cognitive issues, and his emotional state following the cancer, chemo and the aftermath. The neuropsychologist thinks he has a “neuro cognitive disorder” caused by the chemo. I think this means that the chemo had an actual organic effect on his cognitive function. I know he’s had cognitive issues since he finished the chemo but it was hard to tell if it was from stress, worry, being freaked out by all of it, or from damage to his brain. Apparently it’s all of the above. The neuropsych also believes he has some elements of PTSD from all of this. A real eye opener. He has recommended counseling for us as a couple, and specific treatment for PTSD. if it works, I guess it’s confirmation that PTSD was indeed a correct diagnosis.
For the neuro cognitive disorder, they recommend periodic testing to monitor his cognitive status. This report was a relief in so many ways. FOR ANY ONE WHO IS CONSIDERING A NEUROPSYCHOLOGICAL EVALUATION FOR A LOVED ONE, PLEASE DO IT. Professionals really know what they are doing. Going through the recommended treatment will help further define the diagnoses. So, onward. We will start the counseling and the specific treatment for PTSD. Things are looking up, after 3 very difficult years.

Hello all:
On the 8th my husband had the nerve conduction studies. As we suspected, the damage from the chemo is quite severe. He has absent ankle reflexes, atrophy in his foot muscles and diminished nerve function in the lower legs, ankles and feet. It was diagnosed as Axonal Neuropathy, indicating that the axons (part of the nerve system) are damaged. The doc who did the test says this is probably contributing to his dizzy feeling, because he’s getting bad feedback from his legs and feet while walking.

Then they moved up the neuropsych evaluation from December and we had that on Wednesday. The very nice doc interviewed us together. He asked my husband “why are you having this evaluation?” Husband said “honestly, I don’t know.” I was stunned. He knows exactly why but wasn’t going to say.
Doc looked at me and I listed 1. Irrational anger, 2. Unfounded suspicious behavior, 3. Believing I’m having an affair when there is ZERO evidence or reason, 4. Right after the chemo ended he believed his ex-wife was following him and I produced her obit showing she died over 10 years prior which he finally believed, 5. Depression due to his physical condition, 6. Worry and stress about the cancer, 7. ED, 8. Cognitive decline.
Husband agreed he had these issues. The doc said therapy would likely help with most of these and he then started the testing to assess the cognitive decline issues. I left for some errands and was to return at lunch while all the testing was done.
At lunch, my husband was really down because he said his memory was horrible and he did awful on the tests. We ate our lunch in the truck. Then he went back in for another 90 minutes of testing while I waited. He was quite tired when we were done and I drove home. We should have the final report in 3 - 4 weeks.

Then, we got an email from his neurologist the next day, noting the neuropathy and recommending therapy for the balance issues. He also recommended an EEG to further assess his brain function.
I’m not sure where all this is heading but I;m glad we are getting this done. He’s now quite depressed after the testing showed such extensive nerve damage in his legs. On the one hand it’s nice to have the testing confirm what he’s experiencing but on the other hand it’s devastating that it’s so bad.

Meanwhile, that really nice horse we bought last year and had with the trainer in Ft. Worth had been sick with the strangles (equine distemper). The trainer kept saying he would be okay and had taken him to the vet earlier in the week. Friday he was having trouble breathing and the vet called to ask if the horse was insured (no). Said he wasn’t doing well. A few hours later he called to say he had abscesses deep in his lungs and trachea and the was nothing that could be done other than put him down. So that’s what they did. Just awful. This was the one thing my husband had been looking forward to: watching this horse’s progress in his training and then going to watch him get shown. We both had looked forward to this. I had used some of the money I saved for retirement to “splurge” on this horse because my husband wanted him so much. Now he’s angry at the trainer, angry at life, at fate, angry at me, angry at the whole world.

Today was pretty rocky, with him blowing up mid-day, then apologizing and we had a decent afternoon. He went to bed at 6 p.m. and I stayed up to watch tv. A few minutes ago I went back to go to bed and bumped the door as I went in. He started yelling at me asking why I’m trying to wake him up. I tried to apologize and explain but it got worse. Being the mature woman I am, I slammed the door as I left and he yelled some more.
I don’t even feel like trying anymore.

Today we branded calves and that’s usually a stressful time with lots of discord. Only slight discord today! I call that a win. Even in difficult times, I remember that this is the man I love: his sense of humor and quick wit are so enjoyable. We sold a lot of pairs in the spring so we only had 5 spring born calves to brand, tag, vaccinate and worm.
I still hope his physical condition improves. Chemo is so destructive and his peripheral neuropathy just isn’t getting better. But we keep trying. Maybe if he gets better it will improve his mood.
His neuropsychology evaluation is in early December and I hope it leads to improvements. I am SO hopeful right now. He doesn’t like answering the questionnaire from the psych, because it’s so personal. I asked him to please answer it, even though it’s difficult.
Fingers crossed that all of you are navigating through the hurdles in your lives, and enjoying the good times!

Over the last couple months, our relationship has improved a lot. I was without hope for our marriage earlier this year. It was not until he stopped the testosterone shots that things started improving.
He realized the T Shots were causing most of the problems. Of course, his testosterone tests are showing a low level of testosterone. We don’t have sex. But he doesn’t have the out of control radical behavior he had while he took the shots.
He now only rarely has the odd delusions that caused me to post in the delusional disorder forum. Just last week he accused me of trying to sabotage him (the particulars don’t matter), but he took an innocuous fact and blew it way out of proportion to mean something bizarre.
His brain MRI was normal. He saw the neurologist on October 1 regarding his peripheral neuropathy, tremors in his hands, etc. he’s getting nerve conduction studies to evaluate the severity of of the nerve damage in his legs.
He will also be having a neuropsychological evaluation regarding some cognitive deficits and emotional changes. For the last several years I have been hoping for and gently moving him toward a neuropsychological evaluation. From this, we should get some diagnoses and treatment recommendations. It takes YEARS to get to this point. For anyone who is reading this blog, don’t give up and keep trouble shooting and seeking treatment.
It’s easier to give up, walk away and be done. I’m not sure why I have stayed through all this because it’s not like me. I was always the first to pull the plug and bail. Maybe I’ve become a better person? Maybe i care for him so much that I can’t abandon him to an ugly future alone.