Things are actually better. I had no idea those testosterone shots were affecting him like they were. It’s been about a month since he stopped them. He’s a lot less angry and we have a lot fewer “emotional events”.
A year ago, he was definitely struggling with ED. He went to Numale, and that’s when things got out of control. They gave him testosterone shots every week, and encouraged him to “do whatever it takes” to make it happen. Well I was definitely not on board with the weird stuff that he thought would “make it happen” which started an incredible amount of discord. As it was, he still had to use these small special shots, and then would have to give himself another shot later to make it go down. Sex was a disaster, and I was not on board with his plans.
When I finally thought read about this and learned what T shots actually do to guys, it explained a lot. I showed the articles to him and he got it. So it;s been a month and our relationship is better but his ED is worse. He tells me that it just does not work and he feels like half a man, a failure, etc. at least he’s able to talk to me about it.
We have learned that the chemo he was given to cure the lymphoma can cause ED, as well as the peripheral neuropathy he has. We’ve been reading a lot about that, and we are looking forward to the neurologist appointment October 1st. We are hoping the neurologist will figure out exactly what is the cause of his ED and have recommendations for treatment.
It’s a miracle that our marriage survived this last year. Not only did we have a rotten year that nearly did us in, we paid $4,300 for that treatment. I want to bang my head on the wall. I just went along with what he wanted to do, without researching it.

Today started out nice, then my husband yelled at me as we were trying to hook up the border plow to the tractor. He had damaged it the last time he used it, and I fixed it. We were then trying to find the pins for the 3 point hookup and they weren’t on the implement. He accused me of not putting them back on when we took it off before, and I pointed out that we couldn’t put them on because of the damage. He eventually found them and we hooked it up. He went off into the fields and I went to do chores.
I had a lunch planned with a girl friend and he’s known this for a week. But he became sullen as the time approached. I went off to lunch and he was in a pissy mood when I got back. He always says I should go have lunch with my friends when I want to, but when I do he gets mad about it. Another friend came over this afternoon to have a document notarized (I’m a notary) and he was pissed about that. He’s angry about everything. At 4:30 he went back to the bedroom to watch tv and there he will stay until morning.
My girl friend and I are planning a girls weekend in November, in San Diego. He will be angry about that too. I want to live my life despite his anger. We are still waiting for a psychologist referral from his doctor, now that the brain MRI is done and shows no problems.

Today we saw the oncologist, and I posted about that in the Delusional Disorder forum. I don’t even know if that’s the right forum anymore. I feel like I need a Totally Messed Up Life forum, or Coping With An Angry Man forum.
He has now decided he can’t ride horses anymore because his neuropathy is too bad. This is a sharp departure from “I need $100,000 to buy a good horse” from last week. Well, that leaves me with trying to ride a half-trained 3 year old gelding who’s pretty spooky, as well as riding my new horse to get him ready for some shows in August. I guess I will put on my riding helmet and take a deep seat and a tight rein and ride that colt.
I will of course receive lots of criticism for doing it, and will be told how I’m totally ruining that colt. Like him sitting in a pen is doing him any good. I’m not even going to enter him in that sale. I’m going to ride that colt and turn him into something, despite all the negativity of my husband.
I’m dreading tomorrow and going to the dealership regarding the front end wobble on the truck. If I could just do it all myself, without my husband along, it would be lovely. I would talk to those folks pleasantly, and we would work through this issue with the truck. Zero anger, one step at a time. My husband is incapable of this, and goes from zero to psycho in 3 seconds flat.
For those of you following this blog, I really am grateful I have a place to post what’s going on. I just feel so worn out right now. Best wishes to all of you.

These last few days have been decent. No major blow ups. He has slowly been mentioning some of the neurological symptoms that I have noticed over the last year: his hands shaking when he holds a glass (tremor); his brain doesn’t work like it used to; challenges with his balance/ equilibrium. He asks me what could be causing this. I tell him that I don’t know enough about these things, but his doctor will know what specialists to refer to. He asks whether these symptoms could be related to his chemo. I say that I think so, but his oncologist can answer that.
After I bought this new horse (with money inherited from my father, I paid $20,000 which is a lot for me!), he said it was “his turn” and said we needed to come up with $100,000 so he could get a really good horse. He frequently thinks on a grand scale, but this amount shocked me. I waited a bit, and told him there’s no way to come up with $100,000 unless we refinance the house (almost paid for) and I would be very reluctant to do that. When he gets in these “grandiose” moods, he seems to think that money is no object, and wants to act like we are rich. We aren’t. The only reason we have what we have is because I still work, I’ve saved money from my work, and inherited money from my mom (15 years ago) and my dad (this year). I told him we could sell the cattle and put up some other horses for sale, and see what we could raise from that. His expression showed his dissatisfaction with that plan.
Since that day, he hasn’t brought it up again. I am going to enter one of our young horses in a pretty good sale coming up next month, and see if we can get $10,000 - $15,000 for him. He can have this to spend on a new horse, and he can sell the cows. Never mind that I was the one who saved the money to buy the horses and cattle from my work. Just part of being married I guess. I can’t wait for Monday.

Driving together is difficult. Everything is difficult. I can’t wait for the July 12 appointment.
We drove out of town yesterday to pick up a horse. He drives so fast, doesn’t pay attention, and when I point out he’s going 90, gets angry. Fortunately he tires of driving and we swap off. I drive more slowly which frustrates him.
We eventually arrive (10 hour trip) and get to the hotel area. He takes a corner too sharply and the horse trailer goes over the curve (not paying attention). Like a dummy, I mentioned it instead of just not commenting. When will I learn? He immediately attacks me saying why he hates going on trips with me, never wanted to go on this one etc.
He yells and name calls. I get my luggage out of the truck and walk to the hotel, and he comes along, still muttering. We check in, then go over to the restaurant next door and end up having a nice dinner.
The next day we go out to a horse trainer’s house where I am going to ride a horse I would like to buy. I haven’t ridden in a month, but I get on him, get him warmed up, and really do a great job riding him. Love him.
Meanwhile my husband is enjoying himself talking to the trainer and others he knows who are there at the barn. He really is having a great time. We buy the horse and leave a few hours later, for the 10 hour trip back home. Despite some stressful situations, we had a good trip home.
At home, a downpour has flooded many of the cattle and horse pens. A totally muddy mess. We put my new horse in a stall in the barn, and discuss where to move the bulls from their totally water-logged pen to something that has some dry ground. I misunderstood the instructions he was giving about where to move them, and finally got it and repeated it to him. His instructions and suggestions are unclear (to me) but he obviously believes they are crystal clear.
Now the accusations begin: “I just said that and you didn’t listen!” You never listen to me, just think about what you want to do and blow me off!! You did this on purpose to aggravate me!

I explained that I truly did not understand the instructions at first but now I do an ‘I go out to the mud and the muck, open gates to pens and close gates to other pens, so the bulls will go where he wants them to go. I was really affected by this onslaught, trying not to cry as I was jerking panels and gates around in the sloppy mud. This was really hard, although I know it;s his brain problems that are causing this.
I went back in and he was trying to be nice. But I was stung and hurt, and answered politely but very briefly. He went to bed and I stayed up a while. I made a chicken marinade to put my chicken in for tomorrow. I surfed around on the internet, and it started to rain again. At about 9:30 pm he stormed out of the bedroom and said I was fine until we got back home and then I started my “$#%^” again. He asked if I was texting Albert again (that guy he always accuses me of having an affair with). I flipped over my iPad to show him I was just reading the local news, but he made his usual dismissive sounds and movements, said “I’m tired of this $#%^” and went back into the bedroom. Where I hope he stays tonight.
So here I sit, drinking vodka, trying to ease the hurt and writing in this blog. Lord help me. Raining like crazy outside and cleaning up tomorrow is going to be rough.