First let me clarify that I have a strange uncanny ability to remember parts or all of a therapy appointment verbatim, like watching a movie. I have even scripted it when I get home to see how much I remember. I think this is because my brain is on such high alert when I'm in there...offices are scary!

At my first session with my new T, she said "There is something to be said for knowing reality from fiction. There is a possibility of living a much healthier, happier life if you were to at least explore medication." This she said in response to my wholehearted aversions to the idea of getting any kind of medication. I want to do this myself, and with God's help. I will only take medication if the hallucinations become something that is debilitating.

Fast forward to a week and a half later, at my second session with this same therapist. "What would life be like without the hallucinations?"
"Um...happier, I guess."

No! I thought and believed that then, in her office, but as we all know, I change once I leave. My life would NOT be happier without the hallucinations, and I will explain why.

All the hallucinations, the ones that seem to be "psychotic" and the "non-psychotic", they all seem to hold some kind of significance. They run on a pattern, and I enjoy trying to decipher them. They seem to be linked to my subconscious in some way, just like dreams.

An example. I am laying in bed, and plain as day and just like they were in the same room with me, I began to hear voices and sounds. Birds chirping. Violin music. I hear Eminem say "You're so stupid!" A lady mumbles something in response. Once Eminem spoke, I was frightened! But the hallucination spell was very brief, and ended quickly. I believe though, that these hallucinations were sparked by my own subconscious beliefs/thoughts/and feelings. Do I deep down harbor a belief that I truly am a stupid person? Maybe. That being said, I don't want these hallucinations to go away. If I ever hear Eminem again, I want to ask him why he thinks this. I'm curious to hear his answer. I have a feeling I will learn more about myself and my subconscious world by listening to what he has to "say."

And the non-psychotic hallucinations? They are enjoyable. They always seem to be reminders of memories...very often happy memories. I heard a little girl's voice. I said in my head "who are you?" And heard a whistle in my head. Immediately a picture popped into my head. A picture of a little toucan whistle I got at a family reunion with my Dad, before my world turned upside down. There is no actual memory tied to it, but...I know the emotion tied to it. Happiness. Joy. Peace about being with the one parent who truly did, and does, validate my emotions, and loves me no matter what.

His door was always open. He stood at my door and knocked. I shut it in his face. I was 14.

Just as Christ forgives us when we shut the door in his face, my Dad forgave me.

God help me to realize my Dad's forgiveness, and help me to move past the guilt and on towards healing in therapy. And thank You for the hallucinations. If they get too scary, I will consider medication, but right now they seem to be helping me, so...thank You.