I prefer my handwritten journal, because then I do not have to print out the pages and bring them to T if I feel like reading. But, I don't feel like writing.

I am so ambivalent about life right now. My purpose is gone. I used to have purpose. I used to be a really strong Christian always giving advice and love to others whatever chance I got. I wasn't pushy about it, honest. I just wanted to help people, and from the looks of it, they were accepting. I was like a little mini-therapist to many people, though I had almost no close friends.

Fast forward, I isolate. I am still a Christian. But I don't have the same purpose as I used to. I wish I felt something like I used to, even if I could be angry at God, at least that would be something. But I see Him now as more of a light at the end of the tunnel of life. I just have to keep going through this tunnel, and eventually I'll reach the light. I'm thankful for the light, since it's shining enough to light my path and make it a bearable journey. However, at the end of the day, this tunnel is pretty uneventful.

I go to work. I go to therapy once a week. I hang out with one friend. I am trying to branch out and socialize with others, but it brings up so much anxiety and it almost never goes well. I show a side of myself with B that NO ONE ELSE has ever seen. How do I know if I can do that with the other people? If I can't, I don't want to waste my time. Because otherwise it's not much of a friendship.

With my other friend, V, she sees another side of me. A side that others still don't see, I don't think even B. So these two sides get fed emotionally by getting contact with others. But they don't come out anywhere else.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I'll be 23. I have T tomorrow. I am looking forward to my T appointment after two weeks of none. I don't care about my birthday. Just another day. People make big deals out of birthdays, it doesn't mean anything. It's silly.

I'm so cold My roommates don't want to turn on the heater to save on the electric bill. I'm so tired. I know I should buy a bed because the camping cot isn't helping. But a bed seems so impractical. If you need to get up and move, it's a dificult thing to lug. I have a small bookcase and a light desk that can be taken apart, that was given to me, so if I had to part with it I wouldn't care. But if I got a bed, I wouldn't want to part with it. If I had to go away, I wouldn't want to leave it here or give it away.

[quote]I wish I felt something like I used to, even if I could be angry at God, at least that would be something.[/quote]

That sentence just really struck me. I feel pretty much the same. It's like I had all these feelings, all this passion, and now I just feel nothing.

Take care, and happy birthday for tomorrow *hugs*

Thank you flowing tears