This is a journal entry I'm posting on here cuz I want to make sure nothing will happen to it.

Yesterday T was so hard. We did sand play again, and I cried and cried and cried. I had made a scene of an overwhelming event from when I was 10 in the sand tray. My T asked me if I could put something in the tray to represent my forgiving myself. My eyes immediately fell on the miniature mirror. So many memories were associated with this mirror. It was a little replica of the mirror Belle has in Beauty in the Beast. When I was very young, my Dad took me and my sister to "Beauty and the Beast on ICE" and bought for us a toy mirror like that one. It had pictures that lit up on it, and it talked. I was estranged from my Dad when I was 10, and for a long time I have felt like it was all my doing. Now that I am seeing him again 12 years later, I'm mourning that time lost with him. So when my eyes fell on the mirror, I wanted to put it in the tray, but I immediately started sobbing uncontrollably, the memories of spending that time with him flashing before my closed eyes as I cried. How many happy times like that one might we have had, if I hadn't said what I said and done what I did?

When my voice finally broke through the tears, I said "I don't wanna put anything in the tray." "You don't want to forgive yourself." is how my T interpreted it, and while this may be a part of it, it goes so much deeper, and I was too emotionally dis-regulated to express this. Forgiving myself means accepting that that loss is VERY REAL. Remembering the good times with my Dad makes the loss VERY REAL. While I can make new memories with my Father, there is so much loss that I feel is buried inside of me, and I know I need to address it and mourn it in order to be able to live a fuller, happier life. Otherwise, the random bouts of crying/numbness/relentless anger/guilt get triggered constantly whenever I am confronted with that loss.

I really need to explain this to her when I go back next week. Placing the mirror in the tray was...I don't know if it was the right thing to do. I feel like I made the wound deeper for that 10 year old girl in the tray. I said that it was to "show myself that I'm 10 and don't fully understand what I was giving up," but the deeper meaning is so painful. It's like I was showing the 10 year old that memory of going to that show with Daddy. Reminding her of the wonderful times she had spent with him, showing her what she was giving up. But , she gave it up anyway. Ugh. Why? Putting the mirror in the tray was pointless because that 10 year old no longer had any connection to those happy memories. And it probably just makes her feel more guilty for what she's doing. I want to take that mirror out so badly.