Cutting isn't really cathartic for me. Yet I started cutting again. I don't know, I wasn't really thinking. Cutting was never an outlet for me because I grew up around a mother who did it constantly, it was a symbol of her neglect, and I had nothing but disgust and contempt for it my entire life.... I think I just did it to prove to myself how ###$ up I was feeling at the time.

So I don't cut because it feels good, I know something is really wrong when I cut because I'm simply doing it to antagonize myself, to prove to myself that nothing I believe is actually true in that moment, to prove to myself that nothing is sacred.

That's why breakdowns are so scary, it's like everything gets flipped on its head and it feels good to do things I never should want to do, and I am watching myself destroy everything but I can't stop.