As a consequence of lacking a concrete sense of self, for some reason, I find myself wanting to be too many things; things which I am not or can't really be, and may even contradict each other. Especially around the time I am exposed to those things, I become attached to them and build fantasies around them, but this only lasts for a brief period of time until they are replaced by nothing, or by something else.
For example, if I watch a movie with a character that stands out in some way, and whose personality and general presence I can somehow appreciate, I end up wanting to emulate that character or their environment. My fundamental beliefs about things begin to waver and then I start to not know what is mine and what is stolen from the character or the setting or whatever else.
This happens with all sorts of things, not just people. If I listen to music, I want to create music, if I read books, I want to write books. If I watch moves I want to make movies, and if I play games I want to design games. The problem is that I don't really have these interests when I am not constantly exposed to them. The drive is reflexive and not innate.
So I do too many things and never enough of them. I start too many things but never finish. And in the same sense, with my personality, I am attempting to be or become too many things at the same time, and the failure to do so only leaves me with frustration and pain. I feel incapable of being something, if anything, because I can never focus on one thing long enough to be it.