I remember visiting my mom in the psych ward before I left home and moved out of state with my boyfriend about a year and a half ago.

I saw the face of her disorder. It just really slapped me on the face all at once. I will never forget it because it was so eerie. It was like looking at a ghost. I wanted to break down and cry on the spot. It felt so grotesque and profoundly sad.

She was smiling innocently, almost warmly and benignly but something about it betrayed a smile. Somehow I could see that there was nothing left of a human being in there, if there ever was anything in the first place.

Well lately I feel very sensitive to faces. Last time I had a breakdown I remember telling my bf over and over again that my face scared me lately, and sure enough, my own face scares me in any state of sobriety because I can see it becoming her face over time. I can see it becoming that empty, soulless smile that can be worn in any filthy place, that accepts any depraved life. A smile that can only be a smile because it is completely disconnected from a human being.