I'm not going to lie, I'm feeling a little fragile right now. Actually, I have been feeling that way for a very long time..

But I think if there was ever a time in my life where it REALLY showed, that has been lately. At some point I discovered alcohol and that wasn't such a great thing. It's literally a poison. But even though I say that, even though I quit cold turkey when things got really bad, I gotta say I miss being able to be numb every night.

Sometimes it feels like life itself is a slow-acting poison and basically you just have to expose yourself to the most benign forms of it where possible. If you get in too deep, the toxicity overwhelms you, and then you have to step away for a while until you can get back to a normal, acceptable (healthy?) level of sickness.

You know, I want to change so much. I really want to be better to myself. But every thought is a drip of poison. How did it get to the point that I can hardly exist in my own head? As far as I know, I don't even DESERVE to be unhappy anymore. I could make something of my days now but I don't.

What is it... fear? Actually, I don't think it's that. Fear is there but it hasn't stopped me from doing anything I felt really committed to, which was a magic thing when I did feel it, but doesn't come often. I think it's just a lack of momentum...

Is that the part that's my problem? I don't know. But I'm going to try, really try, and remind myself to keep trying, to at least stop thinking poisonous things, 'cuz god knows the world has enough poison to go around without creating any of my own.