I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I am spiraling down into dispair just like was before my suicide attempt. And that scares me. When to took the overdose I wasn't thinking about killing myself, I wasn't thinking at all. I was in a good mood that day. I found out later that I was in a very happy mood which is uncommon for me. When I tried to kill myself I wasn't there in the head. It was like I was watching myself do it. I had no control over what I was doing, I couldn't stop myself. No one understands that. So, I don't have any warning about when I am going to attempt suicide. It can happen at anytime. I just know that I had kept a self injury log the week and a half prior and looking back at it I can tell that I was spiraling into dispair. I was in a dark place and should have realized that I needed help. But I was too far gone to realize that.

I feel the same way now. I don't know if I should tell my therapist that today when I see her. I don't want to go back to inpatient, it will just make things worse. I don't know what to do. I just want these feelings too stop. I am scared to check my bank account, I am scared to pay the bills. I bounced checks last week and I have never done that before. I just don't know. Maybe I should just find a way that will absolutely kill me. I don't really want that, but sometimes I wonder if it is for the best. I don't know what to do to stop spiraling down into the black hole. I just wish that someone could help me. But I don't even know if that is possible.