I am trapped in a crate with an elephant sitting on my chest. I want to escape, but I can't. I am stuck, I can't even get any help. Damn Psychiatrist. How on god's green earth is she booked for 40 days straight? It doesn't make any sense. I thought the person I talked to on the phone was lying so I went up there and talked to the one receptionist that I feel comfordable with about it and it is true. Ughh. This is an emergency. I don't try to make appointments for the hell of it. I guess I could call and talk to the medical assistant so she could talk to the doc for me, but the last time I talked to her she was completely rude and it didn't get me anywhere. I could go to my GP, but the last time I talked to her about it she didn't absolutely nothing about it. I am glad that I have a therapy appointment on Tuesday morning because I am going to talk to her about it. I actually wrote down how I am feeling and was gonna read it to her. I am even going to be completely honest with her and tell her that my cutting has came back in full force. I have never really tried to discuss it with her before. I hope I have the courage. Maybe she can talk to my psychiatrist and get me something to help until my appointment. I am so worried and scared about stupid crap. I am worried about money, which lately has been one of my biggest stressors. I don't think my meds are working anymore. I am Blair again. Blair is the nickname people at work gave me for my mean side. I just want to stab everyone in the face. I can't think straight anymore. I can't even understand my racing thoughts anymore. I can't stop thinking about cutting. I want it, I need it, I deserve it. I am a piece of $#%^. Lately I feel that if I were to die today I could care less. No one would miss me anyways. I am not comtemplating suicide though. I need help and I can't even get it. I can't go to an after hours clinic because I don't think I can be completely honest with a stranger and I am afraid that they might lock my ass up. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want this feeling to go away. I can barely eat, and I could care less if I did eat. I don't care about my personal hygiene, I am pretty sure I smell. This is not like me at all. I just want something to make it stop......