I had forgotten that I wanted to write a blog entry about my last session with my psych. I guess it was because it really was a waste of time and money. I had talked a lot about my avoidance issues and he said that he's starting to understand me more. But I still feel as though it was 175 dollars down the drain. I didn't feel any sort of gain from the session, it was more pure frustration on my part. I can't go to this doctor just to vent out frustrations, this isn't a normal therapist where that's appropriate, he's an expensive doctor and I have to have some sort of gain from going there.

I'm starting to doubt whether therapy is even for me anymore. It's obvious that I need help. My AvPD isn't going anywhere, it's just rooting deeper and deeper. And my life isn't moving forward. Without some sort of help, I'm gonna be stuck. And my dissociation isn't getting better at all either. That's a huge problem for me as it's been 10 years of this nightmare and it's not showing any sign of getting better. So, all this is obviously reason to go to therapy. But I feel as though therapy isn't doing anything for me. At all. I simply don't see how he's gonna help me with this. I really don't think anyone can. I was very open-minded going into this therapy, but after these past sessions, I'm starting to feel as though it's pointless. This is the best doctor I've ever come across, he's so intelligent and I'm sure he's a very good therapist who can help many people. But I just don't feel as though it's ever going to do something for me. I don't look forward to the sessions at all. I used to be so eager to go to therapy, but now I have no want to go - It's just an inconvenience now. Of course I'm going to have to express this to him in the next session. My parents would love if I said I didn't need to go to therapy anymore, since they hate the fact that I have mental problems. But, if I stopped going, and they noticed that nothing is changing for me, they'd be even more upset I think. At least going to therapy gives the illusion that I'm trying to get better.

I had my very first neurologist appointment yesterday. I was really nervous for it, but the doctor turned out to be very nice, funny and to the point. He was surprised that given all I went through, the very long length of time I've been suffering visual distortion and sensory blunting, that I never went for any sort of brain tests and scans to make sure it's not physical. I felt that it was crucial for me to say that I used to have severe anxiety, since that is around the time it started. But I also accidently said *edit*. I'm really beating myself up about that. I'm so used to see mental health professionals, where it's expected that I divulge that. But he wasn't, he was a neurologist, I did not have to divulge that. Saying I had chronic anxiety would have been enough. But I just blurted it out and now I feel horrible. He asked clarifying questions about what *edit*. I wish I had had the backbone to say I didn't want to clarify, but I didn't, I told him. Again, it was probably because I'm so used to having to divulge everything.

The one thing I disliked about him was how he completely wrote off the fact that I was Bipolar. He looked at the meds I was on, and I told him I was BP. He gave me a "duh" comment. And then he said that so many people come in with that "label". He then went on to interrogate about me about my mania, why I was hospitalized and my response to AD's. I have no problem with his clarifying, but come on - I don't have a "label", I have a legitimate mood disorder and him expressing doubt about it, without even knowing me more than five f-ing minutes, was very rude to me. He showed obvious disdain and criticism for psychiatrists, so I guess he doesn't believe much in psychological issues. But then in the end, he said he probably thinks my problems are psychological. How ironic. Regardless, he was very adamant that I receive the tests and scans because he doesn't make assumptions and he wants to know for sure that there is nothing physical occurring. He said that visual distortions are common with neurological issues but apparently I didn't display any other sort of symptom that screamed "brain tumor" at him.

I'm trying to forget the session. Apparently I won't have to see him again unless there is a problem with the scans. They tell you the results over the phone. Thank god. As much as I liked him as a person, because he was nice and funny. I want to put that session and meeting behind me and believe it never happened. Just want to get this testing out of the way.

So, the session was both good and bad. But I just want to move past it.

- EGD.