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Session #8

Permanent Linkby EarlGreyDregs on Wed Jul 11, 2012 2:35 pm

I had my doctor/therapy session yesterday and I hated it. It felt really invalidating and everything he said made me feel worse. First, I tried to explain to him that I feel very happy right now, and I enjoy living in my own solitude - and that I am finding no motivation to change for the better because I feel so great doing what I'm doing currently. And then, he says - "No, I'm sensing that you're depressed". My mouth just hung open. I feel like I don't things across to him as best I can. Because I'm anxious around doctors, and because I'm always talking on the defensive side - I guess it came across that I wasn't happy. Which wasn't true, it's just my awkward demeanor. I looked in the eye and stressed that I know what depression is (I'm Bipolar, god's sake) and I am NOT depressed right now. I feel better than I ever have. He said that my isolation is just a huge avoidant defense. And I'm not gonna deny that. But in my current conscious state, I am happy and content. And he completely ignored that and made it out to look like I'm a cowering dog in the corner that was faking happiness. I couldn't stand it!

Since he's a psychoanalyst, I know that he keeps saying the opposite of whatever I'm saying, because he bases his whole theory on denial and unconscious thoughts. I thought this therapy would be good for me, but I find I'm getting extremely frustrated with not feeling "heard". I don't want a therapist that completely states that I'm in denial. It's hurtful and he's misunderstanding. I don't deny that my isolation is a defense, I am certainly AvPD, but it's also concretely true that I feel content right now. I want him to believe that. But my anxious and defensive demeanor makes it seem as though I'm not and that makes me frustrated with myself.

When I mentioned that I felt rejected by people in the past - he focused on it and tried to make explanations about why they rejected me. Saying it was because of my young age. That hurt even more. I know that I was young at the time, but I also know that the major problem was my lack of socialization skills. At that time, I was so focused on attempting to be social that I failed to recognize the signs and cues of the other people, and so, it was only until they blatantly rejected me that I "got the hint". I know all this, but he just focused on my age. Alright - who cares - he obviously misunderstood the situation yet again. But that's not the problem. The fact that he brought up and tried to rationalize it dug up all the horrible memories that I just want to forget, I woke up today with a huge knot in my stomach and as I write this I feel as though I might cry. Remembering those people who rejected me has nothing to do with me getting better, it's in the past, it's over, I don't need to revisit those situations. But he brought up it anyway and now I have to struggle to forget them again. I feel as though I might print out this blog entry for the session next month, because I NEED him to understand better.

He keeps saying that he is there to help me understand myself better and get to know myself. I know I don't come across that articulated in the session due to anxiety, but I'm gonna say it right now, I know myself better than him or anyone. I have contemplated about my thoughts and actions for all these years. I've seen this guy only 8 times, HE is the one that doesn't know me at all and he needs to start to realize that.

Now that this is written down, I'm gonna move on from this and forget what was said in that session as it was not helpful and just made me feel worse and misunderstood.

:|

- EGD.

..
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Re: Session #8

Permanent Linkby dividedtruth89 on Fri Jul 13, 2012 8:36 pm

I'm really sorry he was so disrespectful of your own thoughts on your own state of being. That is frustrating. Any chance of seeing someone different???

One thing that really stuck out to me though...I know you say "it's in the past, it's over, I don't need to revisit those situations." But the fact that bringing up those past memories is making you so emotionally disregulated...(feeling like you're gonna cry, knots in your stomach, etc.)maybe that means it IS a good idea to revisit them, in a safe environment? I mean sometimes bringing up those old wounds, instead of numbing them and 'forgetting' them, is the first step towards healing. It's not exactly a safe environment, though, with a therapist who seems so misunderstanding...argh. I know how frustrating it can be, and just remember you are in my thoughts.
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Re: Session #8

Permanent Linkby ethereal_cat on Fri Jun 07, 2013 3:00 am

I hope have found a good therapist if not found a way to communicate without misunderstanding with the psychoanalyst.

But I know what it means to have been constantly rejected by a lot of people (in my case, it was a community of believers, which i thought i was a part of). Anyway, I agree that there are some things you just don't want to go back to. But maybe a few years from now - if there are underlying issues that still need to be worked out - it'll be okay to unbox them. Sometimes, time is a good healer...or scar-fader. :T

Hope this has been resolved, EarlGreyDregs.
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