After a couple of rather vague days I have emerged this morning with the prospect of going to see some psychiatric nurses on Wednesday. These are always difficult meetings, we need them at the moment because T hasn't started and with no point of offload things have just been deteriorating. However these meetings are a mixed blessing because whilst it is a point of contact with some people who want to be helpful, the general internal consensus is they have no idea what to do with us or how to respond to us. So today we have woken up with the bright idea of writing down all the stuff that is bothering us at the moment and maybe trying to map some triggers out. It would seem today (or at least at the moment) we are all on board with this with various bargains made to keep people engaged. I see this as a having a two fold benefit. Firstly I think it might help the psychiatric nursing staff have some understanding of what is going on and secondly it feels like possible good prep for starting T. In the past we have filled life up with doing things to avoid things. We are now in a position where we don't have a job and due to the inner state cannot imagine how we might ever be employed again we are also are becoming increasingly isolated. We are now no longer able to do busy external stuff to avoid anything. It feels a bit like living in a very dangerous crumbling building. SH is increasing along with an increasingly restricted diet. We have ongoing critical voices that apart from all the usual telling us what a useless failure we are also now tells us that all would be well if we just got a job. Am beginning to challenge this I want to take the bull by the horns and make a job out of getting 'better'. I don't know what better might mean but at least getting functional again and that means working at it. I also have a fear of getting 'better', things have been like this for so long now the distress of this somehow seems safe (that is how I feel about it right now, can't speak for anybody else). The endless paradox of this condition never ceases to amaze me. I am pleased I have written this on here because I can make a note to refer back to it when I have more than likely forgotten what I am supposed to be doing in a couple of hours. Hope it still all makes sense then because it seems a mighty fine idea at the moment. Let the journey commence.