Just realised something else. I watch too many series on Netflix. Sometimes it feels like that the characters become part of my life. I wonder what is happening to them and when I am with other people I want to say 'do you know such and such' but it is a character out of a series. Like I know it isn't real but on some level have really taken these guys on board. Today when I was sitting watching something I thought I was sitting in a house similar to the one on the screen and it was quite a shock when I looked around and realised I was 'back' in my tiny house. Don't think this is anything to do with dissociation but it is a bit weird. Wish I could find some interests that I could stick to. I used to do things, lots of things but not anymore. Just nothing seems permanent enough to engage in anymore. I think that everything fractured too quickly last year, we really are struggling to put ourselves back together again. Sometimes it feels that unless there is someone else around then I don't exist. The thought of existing i.e. mixing with others provokes anxiety - someone always clicks in but it is exhausting - have clicked out on a couple of occasions in public recently and keep getting an overwhelming urge to run. This is not good because the last time that happened we ended up in A and E - we didn't run externally - we ran internally - none responsive on the outside - unable to speak at all like looking at the world through triple glazing. Don't think it will come to that. It is the not knowing that is the issue. I keep asking - are we ok - nothing back - can't see the internal world at the moment. Except for Little Mie and Annie. We asked Mie to draw a picture - she drew a self portrait with Little Annie and a Teddy. Seeing Little Annie was a shock, she is quite disturbing and triggering something. Little Mie was standing under a rain cloud and it was raining hard. There was sun though on the other side of the cloud. That is Mie all over. She always finds something or sees something to be cheerful about. Things are messy. Think there might be things going on I don't know about. I am sleeping really hard like black out but waking up feeling like I haven't been asleep at all.