So I've been off the radar for a bit... I wish I could say I spent that time trying to get better but if anything I've been practising the art of avoidance. I resorted to my old failsafe distraction to ignore everything and push everything and everyone away. Work. I've just been working, vaguely eating, and occasionally sleeping.

Thing is this whole avoidance through work thing isn't as easy as I remember it being. Its just outright exhausting, my mind is constantly racing so I can't switch off and sleep. I kept thinking “how the hell did I used to do this“. And then I remembered the one variable, which is that this time I'm not using coke. I'm trying to take that as a positive. Or at least as some sort of yard stick of progression. At a push perhaps even hope.

Thing is... This lifestyle is working for me right now. I got a promotion at work, which is one I wanted more than the one I was turned down for the other month, and my relationship is good because the promotion has helped me pull off a passable facade of confidence... Which seems to make me more endearing and attractive.

For a moment there I could almost kid myself that I had been resurrected into a healthy well adjusted person. Fact is, cutting occupies my mind each time I have a moment to breath, and I'm acting on those thought whenever I get a moment to myself£ fact is, my binge and purge cycles still tick over. Actually its like two indepent but correlate cycles at the moment. There's my daily cycle which is nothing short of a military operation, and then a fortnightly rotation of extra purging.

I need help, obviously I do but I can't find the words, hell I've even manage to sculpture a life which makes it impossible to find the time.

Resurrection my arse, I'm just more organised in my ###$ up-ness

Saint