I'm building up the courage to see a therapist. I've tried before, but was too anxious to tell my therapist anything useful. I denied any past trauma, cutting, suicidal thoughts, etc. I feared her reaction. I didn't want her to force me into an inpatient program or commit me - not because I don't think I need it, but because I don't want my husband to think I'm crazy or to look down on me. If I went into an inpatient program, he'd obviously start asking questions.

My husband (lets call him Randy) is from an ideal, middle class suburban family. He doesn't understand domestic violence. Abuse is not in his vocabulary. When I met him, I'd been living on my own for 5 years and had been taking care of myself much longer than that. He was my opposite, he was in college, completely reliant on his parents, and receiving weekly care packages from his mom. Despite our very different backgrounds, we formed a strong bond and have been together for ten years. He knows that I don't get along with my mom and that I avoid my brothers, but he doesn't know why and he doesn't push it. I don't want him to find out. I don't want him to be disgusted by me.

Another issue I have with seeing a therapist is that everything is jumbled in my head. In the past couple of months, I've been getting flashbacks, anxiety attacks, and nightmares. I've been remembering things I'd completely forgotten. Many of these flashbacks are in bits and pieces. I don't understand what they mean and find them difficult to describe. I tried ignoring these, but, not surprisingly , that doesn't work.

These flashbacks are effecting my job. I cannot concentrate. I'm not sleeping at night. I've been skipping work and completely avoiding confrontations with my bosses and clients. I'm surprised I haven't been fired yet... but I'm rambling and going off topic.

I'm starting this blog to jot down what I remember from my past. If I collect these memories, and write them down, then maybe I can organize the confusion in my head enough to describe my experience to a therapist. I probably still won't tell my therapist everything, but I need to start somewhere to clear my mind. I've been scaring myself and I need help.

If you read my blog, please feel free to leave comments. Any suggestions on how to find a good therapist are welcome. I'm posting here because I know people have had similar experiences and can understand.

You might find that writing it down for people here to see, though we are all anonymous strangers, helps you take that step. I wrestled with it for six or eight months, posted a message in the cyclothymia forum, and within days was at peace with the idea of seeing a therapist. Part of me just didn't want to believe anything was wrong. Part of me still doesn't. But I was just driving myself crazy arguing with myself about it. I guess, telling some strangers who can't see me is just a notch below telling one stranger who can. Good luck. I think you're on the right path.

Thanks Dark_in-the-light . Its funny, but for me, posting on the internet where millions of anonymous strangers can see it is easier than talking to a therapist. Baby steps, I guess, but I'll get there.