Does everyone here know WHY they avoid people?

by **AlAtBar** » Sun Jun 05, 2011 5:01 pm

Tuco wrote:How extensive is the chapter on AvPD? I'm thinking of ordering the book but it's very expensive, at least here in europe.

It's a good section, lots of ideas and very concise. Millon seems to emphasize biological interpretations as opposed to Kantor, although Millon doesn't really lay his foot down as to whether he thinks it is all ultimately genetics or not. Millon also seems to be more pessimistic than Kantor about the prognosis: Millon says it is not good, whereas Kantor says it is good.

Overall, Millon seems to be more "clinical" in describing avies, whereas I found Kantor to be more judgmental (that was probably needed for me at the time I read though, I can see Millon having left less of an impact on me if I read it before Kantor).

I don't know if the book is worth ordering if you are only interested in the section on SRA (shy/reticent/avoidant). I would go with Kantor first if you haven't read it already. If you are interested in any PDs in addition to AvPD though, I can't recommend it highly enough. (Lots of "bingo!" moments for me, especially when reading the section of how those with narcissistic traits can degenerate into deeper and deeper social isolation. Makes me wonder if what is really NPD is frequently self mis-diagnosed as SPD or AvPD?)

Some would say to you that these are part of everyday life. However, the crux of the matter is that we gain experience and wisdom and learn to deal with these things with ease as we go through life. I don't think it's merely a coincidence that those who have the most wisdom in life are the ones who have put themselves out there and have had many sufferings (but have pulled through them...).

Look after yourself
Kevin

by **Wooddog** » Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:17 am

I think I have this disorder. I am 54 now, female, and have had one episode of major depression. Might be coming back, not sure.

I avoid people because it is inevitable they will come to dislike me over time and lash out. Being bullied, beat up and hated on has happened every place I ever worked, went to school, or group I associated with since age 4 unless I was lucky enough to leave first. Even my family limits contact, friendly, but I make less money than they do (can't network at my job or outside it to get a better one as I simply don't know how), and they are uncomfortable with that so there's social distancing. Also something else I can't put my finger on.

I admit I am a bit hypervigilant about seeing the signs (experienced), and when they pop up, I plan how to get out of there. Longest I have been able to put it off is five years.

So I avoid people to not be hurt. I don't understand why this happens, as the people never explain it to me, and as far as I know, I never did anything to them but exist and function in the same space. I guess I have given up investing in any hope of something better as I have tried everything I can think of. I still like humanity in a vague conceptual way but can find positive emotional experiences only through books or the internet.

by **msserene** » Fri Jun 24, 2011 3:13 am

I think being in the real world forces me to realize that my daydreams aren't reality. I see my actual reality and I hate it... which is why I daydream to begin with. It really bothers me that I can't connect with anyone. How could I? I am so abnormal, and my thought process is so different from the average person...there is no way they could relate to me.

Finally...someone else who couldn't have explained it better! I know exactly what you mean, I feel the same way and its become more and more difficult over the years as I get older and am forced to face my behavioral issues if I ever want to possibly have some sense of normalcy or place in the world.

I always felt like alice: through the looking glass, on the side where no one can see her and she watches out as all the people go by but its like she just doesnt exist ::sigh::

-- Fri Jun 24, 2011 3:17 am --

Nicolletta13 wrote:Let's see...my entire childhood being rejected by my darling classmates and listening to them tell me how ugly, stupid, worthless, weird and useless I was. Needless to say, my self-esteem was stomped into the ground and never recovered. Yes, I was quiet and shy and different, but you'd think I was the plague the way some of those kids treated me. The few friends I managed to make I would lose since my family moved around a lot. It got to the point where I just didn't want to make friends anymore, since I would just move away and never see them again. What was the point? Today I don't socialize with anyone outside of work and I don't care. I stay home and watch my DVDs and work on my hobbies. I don't *want* any friends because I will *not* be rejected again and I will not *lose* another friend. My 20 year high school reunion is coming up soon. I'm keeping an eye out for the letter so I can burn it.

Then there is my family. They're great people, don't get me wrong, but sometimes they just don't know when to quit. If I mentioned I liked a certain boy at school or something like that, they would turn around and tease me to death about it. So now I don't mention things like that anymore. Now I just tell them what's going on at work, I read such-and-such book and it was good, things like that. My mother once commented about how I was such a "private" person. Gosh, I wonder why....

I couldn't have said it better myself. My childhood was Exactly the same Nicoletta and thats why I feel that way to.

by **Winnow** » Fri Jun 24, 2011 9:17 am

Chucky wrote:
eatmypills wrote:To avoid rejection, ridicule, humiliation and confrontation.

Unfortunately I can't handle these things very well.

Some would say to you that these are part of everyday life. However, the crux of the matter is that we gain experience and wisdom and learn to deal with these things with ease as we go through life. I don't think it's merely a coincidence that those who have the most wisdom in life are the ones who have put themselves out there and have had many sufferings (but have pulled through them...).

Look after yourself
Kevin

I'm not really sure how to read your words. If you are saying that I can't be wise 'cos I most often avoid encounters because I want to avoid the everyday part of life?, then I'd have to disagree.

I have a lot of wisdom. I have put myself out there in life in ways the average person has not (often commented on about me by those who do know me... not just my empty words)... there is just an area of life where i haven't.

Does everyone here know WHY they avoid people?

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