Does everyone here know WHY they avoid people?

rae wrote:@ FEEL76
I FEEL LIEK I CANT, I DO ALOT OF RUNNING AWAY. WHEN I CNAT HANDLE THINGS IN MY LIFE, LIKE EMBARRESSMENT. IF IM EMBARRESSSED WHEN IM OUTSIDE I JUST STOP GOIN AND ISOLATE MYSELF INT EH HOUSE, ONCE I HAVE TV AND MUSIC IM GOOD, BUT I LONG TO HAVE A SOCIAL LIFE, IM LIEK I WISH I HAD FRENDS TO HANGWITH AND EVERYONE IS LIEK WHY DONT YU AND IM LIKE I DUNNO, I JUST CANT. I HAVE FRENDS AND THEN AFTER A COOUPLE OF GOOD MONTHS I START TO RETRACT MYSELF FROM THEM ITS WEIRD LIKE UNTANGLING THE WEB OF FRENDSHIP I MADE, MAYB ITS SELF DESTRUTION, IDK.

Maybe it might help if you seek counselling. It appears to me that you have a genuine problem and although it may not seem like much of a problem to others, it is however big enough to interfere with your life. To tell you the truth, it isn't always easy for me either. There are times when I feel like hanging out with people is just too much to bear and there are times when it feels quite easy. But overcoming the fear is the biggest issue and I think just taking that one first step is a step closer to recovery. But I must admit, it's not easy.b Not at all. At least not for people like you and I. But what if the only solution happens to be the hardest one? What does one do then? It's either you flee or you fight. I just got tired of fleeing and have decided to fight. Sometimes I loose the fight real bad but if I get knocked down then may God help me to stand back up again. Heaven knows I'm only human. Much more than that, I'm not the strongest and the most sociable person around but I'm tired of running.

Hi!
Just want to say hello! New here! A 40 year old guy from sweden, recently discovered that I'm having the 'nice' AvDP. A good text 'Feel76' about the difference social phobia/avdp. Another thing could also be? that avdp could suffer from panic attacks, which is more common in SP.

Hi Again! AvPD not AvDP ...not easy being from Sweden:)

Hi Schleep,

Do you live alone now?; are you married? What do you do in life - work/study? I am sorry for all of the questions, but you are very welcome here. I am Kevin and I am from Ireland. However, I am now living in the United Kingdom.

Kevin

Hello Kevin!
Have no wife, no children.. Living alone. Having a depressing period now...suppose I've haved a dysthymia also..always had negative thougts about everything..but
Trying to do something about it now. I'm an Artist (painter) . Been in Ireland 2 times. A beautiful island!
What r u studying? /Mat

Hi,

Which parts of Ireland have you been in? There is a saying/phrase that we use in Ireland: "The REAL Ireland is everywhere outside Dublin". Dublin is just a city like any other city in the world, and there is nothing special about it. However, there is fantastic landscapes and scenery outside Dublin. The part that I like is County Kerry, in south-west Ireland. I am studying for a PhD in Chemistry, and I live alone too. It can be lonely sometimes, do'nt you agree? I keep busy all of the time to prevent the lonely thoughts entering my mind.

Kevin

Hi I'm new here and maybe someone could answer my question about avoiding people/socializing-

So to describe my question and problem, here's my story- For as long as I can remember, I've had trouble making friends. When I was in the second grade, I actually remember coming to the conclusion that to gain friends, I had to be a friend. So in order to make friends, I remember actually being friendly and winning over friends that way. Well I've did that for several years until high school, when my mom made a comment about me- I still can't get over what she said back then:
"Poor you- you've always had to be nice to make friends. You shouldn't have to work that hard."

Which really confused me and since then, I've become more withdrawn and less likely to talk to people. I've asked for clarifications on what she meant, but she never have, saying that she doesn't remember saying that to me.

Other things that I feel have contributed to me avoiding people is that when I respond to people, their facial expressions always look incredulous, as if they're saying "what the heck are you talking about" or "I can't believe you said that," usually expressions that look like they're in shock to what I'm saying. Therefore, I feel like I can never say the right things and because of this fear, I never spoke up in college and grad school. I also feel like I'm developmentally or socially challenged for my age (I'm 25 by the way) and immature in different ways. My mom also tells me that I probably don't know anything about leadership and can only have superficial relationships with people.

Which leads to this question- what advice do you have to help me become more confident around people? I feel trapped almost in this situation. I'm 25 and unable to make any friends because of my lack of confidence in having conversations with people. What can I do to improve my social skills?

Welcome, musicalviolin. I'm sorry your mother said such things to you. If always being nice helped you make friends, then that was a good thing, right? For some people, making friends come naturally. For others, it's hard work. Sometimes I feel like the art of socializing is harder than rocket science. I don't know you, but I have a hunch that your mother doesn't know you as well as she thinks she does.

musicalviolin wrote:Other things that I feel have contributed to me avoiding people is that when I respond to people, their facial expressions always look incredulous, as if they're saying "what the heck are you talking about" or "I can't believe you said that," usually expressions that look like they're in shock to what I'm saying. Therefore, I feel like I can never say the right things and because of this fear, I never spoke up in college and grad school. I also feel like I'm developmentally or socially challenged for my age (I'm 25 by the way) and immature in different ways.

This happens to me, too. It's one of the reasons I don't like to look people in the eyes when I talk to them. I'm 24 and I also feel like I'm very immature for my age. You're not alone!

I'm still trying to figure out the art of friend-making. Being nice and being a good listener is part of my strategy, but often I end up giving much more than I get when it comes to kindness and listening. Sometimes when I have a gap between my classes I force myself to sit in crowded areas. Occasionally someone tries to make conversation. A friend of mine once told me that it's good to ask people about themselves. I've been trying that and it works somewhat. It's also good for not having to talk about yourself when you're feeling self-conscious. Putting yourself in closer proximity to people who share your interests could be a good move. What kind of friends would you like to make?

Hi Chucky!
PhD i Chemistry. Ok, then you can make some nice drugs for us all!
About Ireland: Well, I´ve rented a car and travelled around the island. From Dublin to Connemara (nice area) and to Galway the westcoast down to Killarney (Yes, a really nice area) down the south and up again to Dublin...I liked the sout-west area very much!(the lakes around Killarney, the mountains and the dramatic coastline). I didn´t see much of inlands...next time!

Hi Musicalviolin! I´m a swedish guy. 40 years.
About immatureness. It´s very intresting to hear someone talk about this subject! I´ve always felt like that...that I´m immature for my age. And now I´m 40 and still feel like I´m in your age 20-25. I´ve thought about this a lot...I´ve always felt like a "youth" My god, I´m 40 and cannot really understand this...i´ts like my mind has stopped developing...maybe because of these feelings of beeing lonely and isolated and not beeing like others...and just being afraid of everything...maybe because of the depression?...would be interesting to hear from others about this! maybee there is some "older" folks that also have experience about this?

ShadowTerra, the art of friendmaking should come to you at some point if you keep trying. Friends will drift in and out of your life a lot though, and people will probably mostly see you as just an acquaintance. I'm 26 now and have virtually no friends, but Im' only learning now that you can't be too nice all of the time to people. I've learned that saying 'no' can be a liberating thing to do!