Does everyone here know WHY they avoid people?

I really enjoy this forum so far, I feel like people here share the same concerns as me and feel like I'm not alone in this struggle...

Shadowterra, never really thought of that question before... it's been hard for me to make friends from the beginning as I was the only Asian all through elementary and high school (I grew up in Southeastern United states, particularly South Carolina if that rings a bell) and just trying to make friends here is still impossible. Part of me feels like it has to do with me not fitting in with the particular Southern culture and people, where most girls are blondes or brunettes who dress up in sundresses all the time with sunglasses glued to their faces. I sometimes wish I could get away from here (I'm working and saving so I could pretty soon) but I think at times, it's really my own problem that I don't have friends and that I don't really make effort to talk to people. So that's part of it.

I would say i was probably a shy and introverted child so i guess that is were it all began. I was molested by uncle as a child and im sure that didnt help Think the abuse stopped around 4th grade or so but the damage was done. I felt so dirty and damaged and was petrified of anyone finding out and what they would think. Depression soon followed. I became more withdrawn and quiet and just didnt want any attention on myself, which is kind of ironic because i was so quiet i actually stuck out lol, i was seen as an easy target for ridicule and teasing. What was left of my self esteem was as good as flushed down the toilet. I was the quiet wierd one and could never shake that label.

Middle school and high school were like torture to me. I remember in grade school i never wanted any friends around middle school i longed for them so bad. I didnt know how to relate to my classmates though, felt so alienated and different. I saw people as cruel and uncaring. Always loved sports and played up to about 10th grade(bad grades forced me to quit) prob was the only thing that got me through. Hated the social aspect though, was the butt of jokes though and teased and bullied endlessly. Rejection from "team mates" was the hardest to take, it killed me. Add all of this on too an unstable family life(alcoholic father)and i guess it was the perfect recipe for me to be AvPD.

I wish i could just shake my past i know many other had to have had it worse, but i just cant. Have so many hangups. Sometimes feel like im stuck as that scared lonely teenager and im almost 30 now Does the hurt and the pain ever go away?

I do not avoid people for fear of rejection or what they might be thinking of me, I could care less about what they are thinking or whom they are looking at, for me it is just People, one and only one thought goes through my head when I am around people " Get away, too many people" and this is when I am around more that 4 people at one time, grocery shopping is a nightmare!

I haven't read this whole topic (I will do that later) I just wanted to say that I get the "emotionless zombie" thing.

Or rather, I remember it from when I went to "Videregående" school ( 16-19 years old. I don't know what's the correct equivalent for the english language). 16-19 is a bit early for the avoidant diagnosis, but I basically had the same issues. The big difference is that back then I HAD to be around people all day, but I still had the need to avoid. So I developed this "emotionless zombie" state so that I could avoid people while "in their midst".

Some years later I met a girl from my class while out drinking. She said that she and a couple of the boys had talked about me, and that they'd agreed that I had the "best"/most complete "mask" they had ever seen. I never showed any emotion at all, and hardly talked. I just existed.

I don't have that mask now, because I'm not "with" people anymore, the way I was back then. There is no one to hide from in that same way.

paige1020 wrote:I do not avoid people for fear of rejection or what they might be thinking of me, I could care less about what they are thinking or whom they are looking at, for me it is just People, one and only one thought goes through my head when I am around people " Get away, too many people" and this is when I am around more that 4 people at one time, grocery shopping is a nightmare!

Sounds like you belong in the schizoid forum.

I believe it's my mother and childhood that made me avoidant. I was also born with asphyxia, nearly died, so maybe some part of my brain died, so maybe that too.

I was an only child of a depressant divorced mother with uncontrollable rage fits (it runs in my family). She put me through so much crap as a child, that I feel that i"ll never forgive her. Mind you, this was also in Ukraine right after the USSR fell apart. It wasn't much fun - sometimes there was little food. Her and my grandma fought physically all the time. After we moved out we were with her part time married partner for 4 years, which traumatised me about drinking and sex for life.

I had to translate her letters to find a husband overseas on top of housework and insane amount of schoolwork they make you do in Ukraine. I didn't sleep much between 8 and 12 y.o. I only associate fear with my mother for as long as i remember. I never told her anything cause she either ridiculed me or used it against me in the next anger fit. The anger fits ranged from screaming to hitting to throwing me out the door telling me i don't deserve to live with her. She also didn't let my see my beloved grandma and criticises me all the time to this day, telling me my illness is that of being a selfish cold bitch.

I was sick my entire childhood, i now realize it was stress induced.

Then we moved to Australia, started living with my chronic depressant stepfather, they fought all the time, physically too. i had to translate as she spoke no english, High school was a nightmare, was bullied badly for 3 years, but i had a very good friend who had an anxiety disorder herself. Thank God for 2 years of college which made me feel like a human being again and I duxed it.

Then living alone for 1 year, slid into anxiety disorder so bad, couldnt'funtion for 2 years, pulled myself out of it through gritted teeth. My mum and stepdad divorced cause of some really inapproapraite things he wrote about me.

My problem with people is that i tire of them quickly. Go thorugh 6 months - 1 year of intense attachment, then gradually lose interest and push them away. Felt so guilty everytime that I stopped having real life friends.

Wondering why i'm not a happy social little camper???

I managed to get nearly all the risk factors: All three of my immediate family members had schizophrenia to some degree. One is very mild, another the lower part of the middle, and one was very severe. My father was also likely schizotypal and either "secret" schizoid, or AvPD. Also, along genetic lines, one of my cousins is pretty obviously schizoid, and a couple of others likely avoidant (especially if you include Kantor's extended subtypes).

Other bad luck was being born with a facial deformity. Due to the deformity and family members being schizophrenic I encountered a great deal of torment from other children in school. My father was never really able to communicate to me about what was going on and give me an effective co-oping strategy. Like so many other problems, he choose the avoidant non-solution: "do nothing, don't discuss it and hope the problem goes away on its own". I count his overall behavior as "emotional neglect" although not deliberate. Probably the biggest factor that lead to my problems, beyond the genetics, was my parents letting me "get away" with just avoiding the situtations. If I ever have kids (and maybe adoption is the better idea given all my #######5 genes), I am definitely going to make a point of teaching them that the "avoidant non-solution" to handling most problems is wrong. Most problems need to be confronted head on, not ignored.

Finally, the schizotypal traits I "inherited" (or were nurtured in) from my father (e.g. having no clue how to dress decently) gave rise to further torment from peers in high school. That was probably the final nail in the coffin.

Sounds like the modern school system is a psychological torture device for so many people. It can really only be enjoyable for extroverts but even they're tormented sometimes. They really need to do something about it - like perhaps offer the option of distance education for the introverts and hold evening classes jsut for them as a voluntary thing. Cause that whole 'you need to go to school to be socialised' just fails miserably for so many people. In fact, it's school that makes them become non-social.

I avoid people because I dont relate to any of them and find all the social politics confusing. SImple as that.

Why do i avoid people?

1) They're boring and i lose interest FAST.
2) I don't want them to get to know me better, because i don't trust anyone with information about me that can help them harm me.
3) I don't like the idea of them finding out that at the end of the day, i couldn't care less about them. It can be very confrontational if someone would find out that you don't give a crap about them or what they have to say, but if i spend some time with them, they would undoubtedly find out.
4) At some point they would find out i'm boring to them, that i have nothing to say that really interests them, and that i have "head problems". I have no interest in hearing people either judge me, or lecture me, or trying to give me advise as if what they are is how i should be. Just the thought of seeing people roll their eyes at how little enthusiasm i would show, or hearing them make snide little backhanded compliments like "well, that was fun", or "well, it was nice talking to you" is enough to stay away from them.