Housewife afraid of messing up the status quo

am4kds, I am thinking of you and hoping you're getting through the day easily enough, that you're safe and feeling good.

I need to write about my therapy session. Except words are failing me. Basically, I'm not sure what happened. I thought my usual cohost was presenting. S/he became someone else. The therapist asked that alter a question which threw everything off, and someone said s/he needed to leave immediately and almost ran out of the office before the therapist convinced him/her to stay. At this point, my awareness flipped in enough to gather myself. During this entire period I wasn't present, but in the meantime, I became aware of it. The cohost was extremely thrown off by what happened, was upset and confused regarding his/her identity and everything else. His/her emotions were strong and I couldn't return fully until now.

"We" seem to be very touchy about anyone identifying any of us as individuals. The few times it has happened lately, including recently, it has been very alarming and embarrassing. Even I have felt compelled to deflect attention from myself.

Yet I want to understand how we work, and it seems endlessly complicated. Without a unified point of view to help, how can we succeed? One hour a week in therapy is not going to cut it, so obviously we need to do much of this work on our own. I cannot do it single-handedly, though, because my cohost seems to have keys I lack.

Journal writing is painstakingly slow, in part because my cohost is plagued with doubt. I have accepted our situation, but s/he is more emotional about it. S/he refuses to take a name, for example, because s/he doesn't believe s/he exists.

I don't know what I'm trying to say here. This is hard work. I feel for my cohost, who seems so frightened and horrified by our reality, despite being calm and level-headed in general. I am thankful to him/her for all s/he has gone through and is going through. This is all progress.

Thanks for listening.

Nondescript, I have had a very switchy day. Thankfully it has rained all day so I could stay home. I want to reply to your post but my brain is still really fried so I will try to do it tomorrow. Right now I am getting ready to head over to my SIL's to watch Outlander and I am really hoping I am able to get through that.

Nondescript wrote:am4kds, I am thinking of you and hoping you're getting through the day easily enough, that you're safe and feeling good.

I need to write about my therapy session. Except words are failing me. Basically, I'm not sure what happened. I thought my usual cohost was presenting. S/he became someone else. The therapist asked that alter a question which threw everything off, and someone said s/he needed to leave immediately and almost ran out of the office before the therapist convinced him/her to stay. At this point, my awareness flipped in enough to gather myself. During this entire period I wasn't present, but in the meantime, I became aware of it. The cohost was extremely thrown off by what happened, was upset and confused regarding his/her identity and everything else. His/her emotions were strong and I couldn't return fully until now.

"We" seem to be very touchy about anyone identifying any of us as individuals. The few times it has happened lately, including recently, it has been very alarming and embarrassing. Even I have felt compelled to deflect attention from myself.

Yet I want to understand how we work, and it seems endlessly complicated. Without a unified point of view to help, how can we succeed? One hour a week in therapy is not going to cut it, so obviously we need to do much of this work on our own. I cannot do it single-handedly, though, because my cohost seems to have keys I lack.

Journal writing is painstakingly slow, in part because my cohost is plagued with doubt. I have accepted our situation, but s/he is more emotional about it. S/he refuses to take a name, for example, because s/he doesn't believe s/he exists.

I don't know what I'm trying to say here. This is hard work. I feel for my cohost, who seems so frightened and horrified by our reality, despite being calm and level-headed in general. I am thankful to him/her for all s/he has gone through and is going through. This is all progress.

Thanks for listening.

Nondescript wrote:am4kds, I am thinking of you and hoping you're getting through the day easily enough, that you're safe and feeling good.

I need to write about my therapy session. Except words are failing me. Basically, I'm not sure what happened. I thought my usual cohost was presenting. S/he became someone else. The therapist asked that alter a question which threw everything off, and someone said s/he needed to leave immediately and almost ran out of the office before the therapist convinced him/her to stay. At this point, my awareness flipped in enough to gather myself. During this entire period I wasn't present, but in the meantime, I became aware of it. The cohost was extremely thrown off by what happened, was upset and confused regarding his/her identity and everything else. His/her emotions were strong and I couldn't return fully until now.

"We" seem to be very touchy about anyone identifying any of us as individuals. The few times it has happened lately, including recently, it has been very alarming and embarrassing. Even I have felt compelled to deflect attention from myself.

Yet I want to understand how we work, and it seems endlessly complicated. Without a unified point of view to help, how can we succeed? One hour a week in therapy is not going to cut it, so obviously we need to do much of this work on our own. I cannot do it single-handedly, though, because my cohost seems to have keys I lack.

Journal writing is painstakingly slow, in part because my cohost is plagued with doubt. I have accepted our situation, but s/he is more emotional about it. S/he refuses to take a name, for example, because s/he doesn't believe s/he exists.

I don't know what I'm trying to say here. This is hard work. I feel for my cohost, who seems so frightened and horrified by our reality, despite being calm and level-headed in general. I am thankful to him/her for all s/he has gone through and is going through. This is all progress.

Thanks for listening.

Nondescript,
Hi, I am Bryan. I am the manager in Amy's system. It sounds like there is a lot of fear inside right now, which is completely understandable. Learning truths, meeting new people, not knowing what is going to happen are all very scary. Even more scary to people who have been hurt in the past.

Maybe it isn't important to know the individual alters in the system right now. Knowing you are part of a multiple system is an important first step. Creating safety and comfort for everyone, even if you don't know them yet, is extremely important. Since you are aware of them, talk to them even if they don't talk back right away. Most of them are watching, collecting data, trying to determine if they also want to be known by those outside the system. Changing from a system whose purpose is to protect and go undetected to a system that is individualized yet working together is scary and everyone needs the time to determine when they are ready.

Right now you and your T could just communicate collectively to the whole until certain alters are ready. You can tell them why this is important, why you feel safe enough now for this to happen, why you trust your T. I have to continually do this within our system. And, even if they don't respond right away, keep seeing your T (if you are comfortable with him/her) and work on your own coping/safety skills so you will be ready when they are. I hope this helps some. Good luck.

Nondescript,

I am sorry to hear about your session being so stressful. I don't really have any words of wisdom about it, except maybe just give it time. I am so impatient that I constantly have to be reminded that working with dissociation is better done s-l-o-w-l-y. I really hate that. I think my jaw hit the floor when my T told me that the average DID patient is in therapy for 7 years after diagnosis (and generally decades before that ).

Have you ever thought about recording sessions? There are pros and cons to it, and it can be really freaky when you first hear another alter. I use my phone and it has allowed me to hear what happens when I am not present, and also to pick up on certain traits of the alters that have helped me recognize them later. Maybe you can record and then the other cohost can listen and realize s/he is part of a system. But, maybe that will shock him/her...I don't know.

I'll say what my T tells me all the time (because I need to hear it today also) "They are all a part of you, so love them today like you love yourself".

Amy

am4kds wrote:Nondescript,
I have to tell you how much your thread is helping me too. Being in such similar places in our journey it really makes me think and gives me comfort. Thank you for being so brave to start this.

This is good to hear. Thanks. I hope it will be helpful to anyone who needs it. I am learning so much from what we share.

am4kds wrote:I only have one that has begun to take offense at not being recognized for herself. That is Melissa. I have learned that she has been around for a long time, most of our life, and during my first 20 years she was out as much as I. It is funny, but I was "reminded" that from 2nd grade through 6th I insisted on being called Amy Melissa! So, as far back as then I was two alters in life.

I have felt so convinced this is or was all some kind of charade I must have invented as a teen. But lately I have remembered the many experiences during childhood that are explained by this diagnosis. It is kind of creepy, really. I have read all the info about structural dissociation, but it really boggles my mind how little kids have these creative but over the top coping mechanisms that end up with lives and minds of their own.

Some of these things: In elementary school, I often found I knew the answers to material I'd never encountered. I decided I must be very smart! So even when the answers didn't pop into my head, I tried to make them up and find that I was wrong, irritating group project mates to no end. It took a couple of years for me to discern the difference between random right information popping into my head, and just making stuff up.

Getting accused of things I definitely didn't do and would never do.

People treated me with kid gloves and I had no idea why. I knew I was "weird" but I didn't understand my reputation for being fractious.

Sometimes I would wonder if the clothes I was wearing were my clothes (not my style), and I'd get this eery feeling that something or someone else had been in my body just a few seconds before. I remember in 3rd grade this happened and gave me a terrible feeling of alienation in my stomach. I knew that what I was sensing wasn't possible and felt ashamed of even thinking it. (note: this is a transcription of someone else's experience, not actually mine.)

am4kds wrote:I am Melissa, and I wanted to respond from my point of view. I do get very upset when people close to Amy cannot tell the difference between alter Amy and myself. We are very different and have very different point of views. I get that the body is Amy, and I can deal with responding to "Amy", but being confused with alter Amy is frustrating. She is weak and I am strong. Last week Amy's husband tried to convince me that I couldn't be different than Amy and that made me horribly mad.

Melissa, I appreciate hearing your perspective. I would be frustrated, too, with the argument Amy's husband tried to make. I guess it is hard for him to understand having two completely different points of view fully established in one brain/body. Our SO seems to find this all an annoying inconvenience caused by me not being strong enough to get over it now that the reality of DID is known. (Or maybe I'm projecting that onto him. Hard to tell.)

###$ that. I am sick of being forced to live someone else's life. it's not your fault you got stuck in someone else's body. You deserve respect for putting up with this $#%^.

Sorry for the swearing. I feel it would be disrespectful to erase the above comment but I don't want to be rude.

am4kds wrote:I don't really have a problem with amnesia between parts. Mostly little situations of losing time.

Doesn't this make it hard to accept the DID diagnosis. I feel like I am mostly co-conscious (I experience a lot of what Una+ calls "possession experience" or sometimes I kind of disappear but when I come back if I try I can gradually remember what happened.) Even more, I get influenced by other parts of me without switching. All of the sudden I'll have an urge to do or say something, or I'll have thoughts come out of nowhere. According to what Una+ has written, these are symptoms of covert DID. But it's hard to accept.

Oh, and one other thing. I am forgetful. But I'm not sure if it's normal forgetful or DID forgetful. Can anyone give me a hint? Example: I walk into the kitchen and I see a pan of food from the fridge is on the counter with the cover off. At first I assume it must be due to my husband, then I remember he isn't here, so I must have taken it out and forgotten. Then I see in my mind an image of my body taking the pan out and putting food on a plate, and I "remember" it was me. Is this how everyone remembers normally? Reading back on that, it doesn't sound very normal.

am4kds wrote:When it comes to the kids, I have had issues because my oldest daughter can be very triggering for Melissa who tends to come out with guns blazing. I have suffered horribly from guilt because of it all these years and her reactions are so different from the Mom I want to be. I won't know just how much I have managed to screw up my kids until they are adults themselves, but I have been told that they are pretty good kids right now. And, it is already getting better. Mary and Melissa have not had a blow-up in the last month! That is huge for us.

Wow, this is amazing. The swearing part above has no patience or perspective with little kids, and at times when my little daughter is being insistent or having a difficult moment, and I find my own patience wearing thin, he gets triggered. I try to keep him from ever interacting with them and luckily it usually works. But it is exhausting. He also doesn't like my husband and my husband has no patience for the behaviors he brings. I have been trying for years to control this and then in the past year I realized that it was more than just "anger issues."

am4kds wrote:It seems like my homemaker part will also disappear, sometimes when I have seemed to need her the most. But, I think (these are my own thoughts and may be totally off) that being a helper alter she isn't as strong as some of my others. So, when they are triggered she isn't as able to help and be out. My protector and emotional alters are just so strong and intense that they can be overwhelming.

This explanation makes sense. I also feel like the homemaker part in me is really one dimensional and not that strong. I might be wrong, but once Alex talked with her out loud and she didn't make that much to say, except that it is important to take care of home and children, and other matters aren't her business. When I'm going through more intense stuff, I guess just like a non-DI person, it can be hard to give her time to do her thing.

am4kds wrote:This made me think of something. I have had the common experience of looking in mirrors and not recognizing who I am, but I have also had the very disconcerting experiences of looking at my children and thinking "these are not my children". I never understood it at the time and it always seemed to come with a feeling of ambivalence towards the children and that was really awful to me. I could not believe that "I" would have those thoughts toward my children. Now that I realize this was another part, it doesn't hurt me so much that those thoughts would have floated through my head. I get that I love my children, I have always loved my children.

I can relate. This happens to me a lot, and it is upsetting. Yesterday after my therapy session, I couldn't believe I had children or had given birth and could not remember giving birth. I worried I wouldn't feel connected to my children, because it seemed like my experiences just vanished. Now I can remember, but I'm having a hard time owning it. So strange. I wonder if this means I'm with another part that was not part of the birth experience. (I loved giving birth, especially the second time.)

These past few weeks I feel sorry for them, having me as a mother. But I guess it's not the worst thing ever. I'm so aware of how miserable my childhood was that I try hard to see things from my children's perspectives and provide them with developmentally appropriate and meaningful experiences with me and in our daily lives.

Nondescript wrote:###$ that. I am sick of being forced to live someone else's life. it's not your fault you got stuck in someone else's body. You deserve respect for putting up with this $#%^.

Exactly! While I was watching Amy pick up legos off the floor (why the hell her son can't do it himself I don't know) I was sick. I freakin' want a job, a career. I use to have friends and go out and do stuff. I have nothing now. What am I support staff??? I have already decided I am going to talk to Amy's T about this next week. I have been around as long as alter Amy, I deserve to have some life too.

am4kds wrote:

Nondescript wrote:###$ that. I am sick of being forced to live someone else's life. it's not your fault you got stuck in someone else's body. You deserve respect for putting up with this $#%^.

Exactly! While I was watching Amy pick up legos off the floor (why the hell her son can't do it himself I don't know) I was sick. I freakin' want a job, a career. I use to have friends and go out and do stuff. I have nothing now. What am I support staff??? I have already decided I am going to talk to Amy's T about this next week. I have been around as long as alter Amy, I deserve to have some life too.

How old is her son? It's normal for parents to have to clean up behind little kids because they don't know any better unless taught to do so. I understand what you mean and I hope that you and your host can come to some kind of compromise.

-- Sun Aug 10, 2014 6:28 pm --

am4kds wrote:

Nondescript wrote:###$ that. I am sick of being forced to live someone else's life. it's not your fault you got stuck in someone else's body. You deserve respect for putting up with this $#%^.

Exactly! While I was watching Amy pick up legos off the floor (why the hell her son can't do it himself I don't know) I was sick. I freakin' want a job, a career. I use to have friends and go out and do stuff. I have nothing now. What am I support staff??? I have already decided I am going to talk to Amy's T about this next week. I have been around as long as alter Amy, I deserve to have some life too.

How old is her son? It's normal for parents to have to clean up behind little kids because they don't know any better unless taught to do so. I understand what you mean and I hope that you and your host can come to some kind of compromise.

Therapy today was freaking crazy. I think for the first time the T could see us changing. It must have been weird for her. It was definitely weird for me. I wonder if it really necessary for us to know who we are. It's tiring and confusing and time consuming to try to understand, and if the ultimate goal is to be more cohesive, isn't revealing the individual strands going to bring more attention and strength to our differences?

It feels like who we are is not totally consistent, maybe because we influence each other or maybe because this is all a big joke I'm playing on myself. I'll think I'll have a sense, "oh, when I see myself doing this, it's probably that part," and then it will seem like there is another part that is similar in a way to the part I thought was doing that. Unnamed seemed to be your standard confused front person, but s/he has become hard to pin down. I think s/he might even be a child who is extremely influenced by whoever is near him/her. And then there is an observer of some kind that I thought was unnamed, but it seems separate. It is so freaking confusing. Am I just breaking myself into little pieces for fun? Thinking too hard or something? I'm losing heart and not sure going ahead with this was a great idea. I'm not sure there's a choice anymore, but if there is, maybe I should give up.

My therapist is amazing and trustworthy, but she doesn't know exactly what to do with me. I hate being a burden, and I also hate not knowing what we're going to do.

What could "healing" possibly mean? It could be relief from all this craziness, yeah, but what else? Maybe healing is just going on with my life and accepting my limitations. Things might run more smoothly if no one got in the way.

Yeah, I'm frustrated.

And the other day something happened.

I was at my daughter's school for orientation. Some puppeteers are going to teach art, and they were standing at the front of the small room and talking while I was standing in the back. I kept feeling that I was a little boy, and I felt myself believing that I was a little boy. Then I realized I was probably being influenced by the experience of another alter, and I got this feeling I get sometimes, that the boy is half in my body and half standing next to me. This boy is one I recognize from childhood--he was me a lot of the time during certain times of my life. I felt one of the artists was looking at the little boy and somehow recognizing him and connecting with him at some level. (I guess he probably wasn't, but it was a very interesting feeling. Maybe that is the magical thinking of a child, that I was experiencing?) The boy was feeling that the artist was telling the boy that the artist could help him, give him something (love? mentorship? play?) he needed. And I felt like I was resting in a way in the little boy, and even while I was alarmed that he was there in the full light (of a very gentle and loving school environment), I felt like somehow it would be fine, that the little boy's soulful need and gentle presence were not dangerous.

Afterwards, I felt out of it and had a hard time communicating and my body felt very strange. I'm not sure what to do for the boy. Or even what is the meaning of this experience.

Hm. What does your "mommy intuition" tell you about this man who connected with the little boy part of you? The little boy does not have much life experience or wisdom to discern who is a safe person and who is not, does he? And the boy may be damaged in ways you are not yet aware of; this response to the man could be a projection from the boy's prior life experience (what little he has) or it could be an intuitive response to the man. I guess what I want to say is be careful. This could be very healthy or very, very dangerous for you.

Una+ wrote:Hm. What does your "mommy intuition" tell you about this man who connected with the little boy part of you? . . . I guess what I want to say is be careful. This could be very healthy or very, very dangerous for you.

My sense is that this man is gentle but also very sad, and I think this young alter resonates with this. It is a surprise to have this little boy part emerge. To my knowledge, he has only been out once since the 1980s. I believe he is being triggered by my daughter starting kindergarten, as he is about that age. He tried to come out again today. It causes major symptoms (disorientation, sensations, POV challenges) when he is near, and afterwards things are very foggy if unnamed is nearby. (Maybe I am going to have to name Unnamed. I can't keep calling her that.) Tomorrow is the first day of school, and I am having my husband drive us all there, in part so we can see her off together, and in part so I can see if anything odd happens.

Thanks for bringing this to my attention. I hadn't thought it through before you replied.