Housewife afraid of messing up the status quo

am4kds,
Thanks for your reply. It made me feel less alone and less unacceptable.

am4kds wrote:I don't have the experience Una does to say this is normal, but this is exactly what I have been going through for the last 3+ months. I don't know how many therapy sessions I have sat in and whined about the fact that I can't seem to function anymore and it shouldn't be that way and my T has just smiled and said that she is seeing improvement and it will get better (and get worse and get better again). I have entirely lost the ability to go grocery shopping, it happened gradually but I cannot go into a grocery store without totally losing it. I don't know why...but my husband does the grocery shopping for right now. Other stores are difficult and I avoid them too, but not like a grocery store.

I'm sorry that you are not functioning as well as normal. That is hard. It's great that your husband understands and helps out. Mine helps out but doesn't really understand yet.

I wonder what is the improvement your T sees. What is "improvement"? I notice a lot of information about my past, and sort of unhappy voices, coming up. It is hard to imagine that the right response to these is to pay attention to them after struggling all my life to minimize them, but I guess I have to find a way.

am4kds wrote:Last week was really difficult for me. In the course of it I realized just how much I was fighting the switching now that I was aware of it. Today I have made an effort to just relax a little and let come whatever.

I have a challenge with fighting it, too. Letting it all hang out is not my specialty at all. At first I felt I had no choice, was just watching everything. Now it comes and goes. I have had a lot of success communicating with one of my main front parts, and that has given me a feeling of something to hang onto. Often when I'm getting tired/dissociated, I request him and try to release to him. He is often right next to me, grounding me. Feeling grounded is good, but also gives me the option of not going with the flow. Hearing that you struggle with this helps me to know I need to let go more.

am4kds wrote:I have had my best day since late April.

Hurray for your best day! Here's to more and more good days like this.

am4kds wrote:I have switched today, a lot, I have felt it, but it has all worked out. And, I only had on blip where at the doctor (my daughter broke her toe) where I was asked a question in mid-switch and my answer came out garbled. My daughter (14 and knows) gave me a smile and just told me to take my time. For the first time I can see how I can be functional and DID, and that was really hard for me to get before.

Great! I'm glad things are working better for you now and that you have a sense of hope. I'm sorry about your daughter's toe.

My own blips are minor and unnoticed by most, I imagine. Things like: Baby's shirt is on the chair and I plan to come back and put it on the baby after I put the water on to boil. I come around to get it and the shirt is in a different location (but not on the baby.) Or, come back from grocery shopping, need to get ready to go to the pool at 4 in an hour. Now it's 4:30 and the groceries are half put away but the kids are not ready. I have mostly been avoiding talking to or seeing people. I don't know what to say anymore.

When I'm interacting with my children or husband, things are a bit less smooth, but not worse than before, really. It's kind of relief for me to realize that my struggle to control certain behaviors (nothing too extreme) has not been successful because these behaviors are not coming from the me I'm working out of. I have started to try to talk out loud to myself when these things come up, and I think it might help a little at times.

am4kds wrote:You are not alone.

Thank you so much. I appreciate your kindness in writing and am happy to hear of your successes! Take care.

Improvement comes in fits and starts, better and worse but over time gaining far more than losing. It will get better. Far better.

Around the time I was first diagnosed 3 years ago I was a mess. I wasn't safe driving to sessions with my therapist. I was terrified of switching, of what might happen. Of what might have happened in the past that I should have known about but didn't. Every day I was spending hours crying, and when not crying doing very little except reading very technical books about DID and related topics. My anxiety level was extreme. Would I ever be functional again? What more horrible revelations would I have to face?

Now I am functioning at a very high level in both my personal life and my work life. In some respects I have never been better. I have made a lot of changes in my life. I don't have much to say to many old acquaintances but that's okay. Now I have found plenty of new people in my life with whom I have a lot to say. I am a work in progress and there is lots of room for improvement, but the thing is this: I have begun to reach levels I once thought were not in my capacity to reach; parts of me are growing that I thought were forever done growing. Qualities I thought were absent were in fact dormant and neglected.

At first waking up was a terrifying, overwhelming experience; now it is exciting, interesting, even fun.

I wonder what is the improvement your T sees. What is "improvement"? I notice a lot of information about my past, and sort of unhappy voices, coming up. It is hard to imagine that the right response to these is to pay attention to them after struggling all my life to minimize them, but I guess I have to find a way.

Yeah, I always wonder what improvement she sees too. It is a good thing that we have an eight-year relationship and I trust her, because many times it is impossible for me to see what she does. Not that she doesn't care how I am functioning externally, she does, but she has been constantly honest with me that right now it is going to be difficult. It is expected. In her experience, the first few months to a year after diagnosis are often extremely difficult and filled with crisis. My T does her best to try to normalize this for me.

I think the improvement is more internal. My T believes that without good internal communication functioning well in life as a multiple is impossible. It takes time to learn who is who and what is going on with everyone. I have three notebooks already filled with my musings, notes from the alters and back-and-forth communication. It has been huge with moving through things. I have had to get over the fact that our system manager has developed his own relationship with T and has no problem telling her the issues he has with me. The last month has been concentrated on building a trust relationship with Melissa (our co-host/protector) as we have a very difficult and painful past. These two things, along with my fear of loss of control, has been what keeps me from accepting the alters and the switching. When I was in denial and didn't know what was happening I didn't fight it...but after the diagnosis I went crazy with fear and control.

I really have spent a lot of time, almost driven to, internally trying to figure things out. Writing and drawing has really helped me to understand. I'm still feeling parts, or alters, that I don't know, but I am feeling much more comfortable with those I know now. Except for the abuser alter, but I am working on It.

I definitely don't expect everyday forward to be like yesterday, but it did feel good to be almost "normal" again (at least on the outside).

by Una+ » Tue Aug 05, 2014 4:55 am

Improvement comes in fits and starts, better and worse but over time gaining far more than losing. It will get better. Far better.

I appreciate this dose of perspective from Una+ - I can relate to a lot of this discussion having woke up about two years ago.

Around the time I was first diagnosed 3 years ago I was a mess. I wasn't safe driving to sessions with my therapist. I was terrified of switching, of what might happen. Of what might have happened in the past that I should have known about but didn't. Every day I was spending hours crying, and when not crying doing very little except reading very technical books about DID and related topics. My anxiety level was extreme. Would I ever be functional again? What more horrible revelations would I have to face?

I can relate to this. I've read lots and lots, sometimes triggering myself to death. I've cried more than I thought possible. I've grieved and grieved and feel it to be unending. I still have moderate to high anxiety but I've faced most of the new to me revelations and I'm making it through - it's been harder to become aware of my deficits in current relationships with my husband and kids than it has been to face things I did in the past which I had no idea I did?!

Now I am functioning at a very high level in both my personal life and my work life. In some respects I have never been better. I have made a lot of changes in my life. I don't have much to say to many old acquaintances but that's okay. Now I have found plenty of new people in my life with whom I have a lot to say. I am a work in progress and there is lots of room for improvement, but the thing is this: I have begun to reach levels I once thought were not in my capacity to reach; parts of me are growing that I thought were forever done growing. Qualities I thought were absent were in fact dormant and neglected.

This is inspiring and I hope I too will again be higher functioning both at home at work.

At first waking up was a terrifying, overwhelming experience; now it is exciting, interesting, even fun.

Yes!! Agreed. Thanks for sharing your experiences. It's very helpful. Xoxo

Una+ and am4kds,

I want to reply in more detail to your informative posts about progress later when I'm feeling better. Thank you for sharing of your experiences.

I can feel myself going back into denial mode, coming up with all these reasons I can't have DID, or maybe I just have minor DID (whatever that means!). There is a voice in my head telling me all this stuff. Does that mean it's another part? Over the years, like most adults with DID, I imagine, I have come up with rules for rationalizing my behaviors. "If I saw my body doing it, that means I did it." "if I said it, it was because I thought/wanting to say it." Ultimately these are true on some level. But they seem counterproductive at this phase of self-discovery.

I don't feel confident that going into my past is really going to make my life better. It was bad enough when it happened--I don't want to affect others around me with my hashing it over. I really thought I was done with that, although admittedly, I didn't process many of my known traumas because I thought since I had no feelings about them that meant I was done with them. Does all DID treatment have to involve reliving traumas? I need to be available for my family, and I am not fully available... well, ever, honestly, but even less so, lately.

I have been obsessed with giving my young children a good attachment and a sense of being loved and secure. But I've often felt I was failing because my whole effort has involved "acting as if" more than acting from a place of security. My children are young, 5 and a baby, so this is a critical time. I wish I were already better.

Yeah, so the parts of me in denial are really getting in the way of preceding. I don't know who/what they are, but what a pain. It's time, just accept it! This is the life we've been given. Deal!

Back to babies and cooking...
Peace to all you lovely people!

Nondescript,

I'm sorry you are struggling today. I don't really want to touch my trauma's either...it is why I have been in and out of therapy for 20+ years. We get close and I run for the hills.

The first stage of treatment for DID does not focus on trauma recovery. It can take months/years to get through the first stage. You don't have to think about the traumas right now. Stability and internal knowledge/cooperation is the important thing at this stage.

My kids are a little older (14, 12, 10, , but it is always going to be a critical time in their lives. I would have liked the chance to do this earlier and bypass the last three years of unknowing chaos I have put in their lives by not dealing with stuff. It is going to be tough parenting through this. It feels impossible some days.

I was just wondering if this other part you have started communicating is can give you any information on any other parts inside. My system manager ended up introducing me to my three helper parts, one of which is homemaker/mother. She has always been there, even in the crazy, making sure that the kids continue to be taken care of. I am learning to trust and depend on her now and remaining co-conscious with her.

I am finding that while on one-hand having alters can create a lot of crazy, on the other hand I have a lot of help too. The system is set up for survival! The system wants to help.

Una+ wrote:Around the time I was first diagnosed 3 years ago I was a mess. I wasn't safe driving to sessions with my therapist. I was terrified of switching, of what might happen. Of what might have happened in the past that I should have known about but didn't. Every day I was spending hours crying, and when not crying doing very little except reading very technical books about DID and related topics. My anxiety level was extreme. Would I ever be functional again? What more horrible revelations would I have to face?

It is comforting to hear you say this, because I have been pretty out of it lately. My impulse is to read everything. But I have a strange head start on the knowledge front. I realized I had MPD as a teen when I faced a crisis and "met" some parts of me. I didn't know it had a name. Following a run in with psychiatry, I memorized the DSM-IIIR and read everything possible on every disorder similar to MPD, including a famous book by Frank Putnam, which I felt explained my life. Some things I have read on your thread and here are jogging my knowledge.

Several years later, after failing to find appropriate treatment, I became convinced it had all been a charade and was sure I didn't have it. I went on to live my life. One striking point is that, as a younger person, I was full of technical information about the condition. But I didn't have a good inner understanding of my parts. No cooperation and little awareness. No self-compassion, just a will to keep going.

Una+ wrote:Now I am functioning at a very high level in both my personal life and my work life. In some respects I have never been better. I have made a lot of changes in my life. I don't have much to say to many old acquaintances but that's okay. Now I have found plenty of new people in my life with whom I have a lot to say. I am a work in progress and there is lots of room for improvement, but the thing is this: I have begun to reach levels I once thought were not in my capacity to reach; parts of me are growing that I thought were forever done growing. Qualities I thought were absent were in fact dormant and neglected.

Such hope and beauty in this! I am so happy for you! And I appreciate the notion that this work does not have to be merely a necessary evil, but an opportunity to become a more mature manifestation of our potential.

Una+ wrote:At first waking up was a terrifying, overwhelming experience; now it is exciting, interesting, even fun.

Sweet! Thank you for writing this post. I bet it will inspire many people over time.

Journalgirl wrote: I still have moderate to high anxiety but I've faced most of the new to me revelations and I'm making it through - it's been harder to become aware of my deficits in current relationships with my husband and kids than it has been to face things I did in the past which I had no idea I did?!

"Deficits in current relationships"--I am glad you wrote this, because I wouldn't know how to express it. Even though it seems like I am just awakening now, for a while I have been been coming up against the reality that I am one tough customer! My husband says that I'm a great parent and good partner. But I kept getting faced with my reactions to things, and noticing how immature and reactive I could be. It has led to negative feelings towards myself, especially when I found myself unable to overcome things even with my best efforts.

I really hope working on the DID along with all the stuff I've already been doing will prove to be the missing piece.

am4kds wrote:I'm sorry you are struggling today. I don't really want to touch my trauma's either...it is why I have been in and out of therapy for 20+ years. We get close and I run for the hills.

I feel a bit guilty about this. I have told several therapists that "I already worked through _____ and don't feel triggered by it." And I usually just forgot all kinds of things until I suppose the time was right and I trusted the therapist enough. I started my real therapy journey 10 years ago.

am4kds wrote:The first stage of treatment for DID does not focus on trauma recovery. It can take months/years to get through the first stage. You don't have to think about the traumas right now. Stability and internal knowledge/cooperation is the important thing at this stage.

I have read this is the case, but reading it from you, I get it. That's a relief. I am feeling a little disappointed in a way that I am not "figuring stuff out" much faster. Instead of other states communicating their presence directly by talking or writing, there is a lot of having to know by sensory experiences and patterns of behavior in present/past body and life.

am4kds wrote:My kids are a little older (14, 12, 10, , but it is always going to be a critical time in their lives. I would have liked the chance to do this earlier and bypass the last three years of unknowing chaos I have put in their lives by not dealing with stuff. It is going to be tough parenting through this. It feels impossible some days.

This is such a good point. The worst thing would be not dealing with it ever, and staying stuck. Parenting has always been very hard for me, bordering on impossible. I thought it was just because I have high standards and a bit of a rough life behind me. It's hard to imagine it getting harder. It has felt pretty weird to be looking into my baby's face these past couple of weeks and wondering who I am as much as I wonder who she will be.

am4kds wrote:I was just wondering if this other part you have started communicating is can give you any information on any other parts inside. My system manager ended up introducing me to my three helper parts, one of which is homemaker/mother. She has always been there, even in the crazy, making sure that the kids continue to be taken care of. I am learning to trust and depend on her now and remaining co-conscious with her.

I did discover a sort of homemaker kind of part. I noticed her even before I noticed the DID, just thought how funny it is that parenting turns us into different people. The problem is that she sometimes just disappears and I have no idea why. The other part that I got to know a bit... I'm not sure what he knows about all that. I need to set aside more time. I am kind of nervous about learning about others, but I know I need to and I will. Thanks for that very good advice.

am4kds wrote:I am finding that while on one-hand having alters can create a lot of crazy, on the other hand I have a lot of help too. The system is set up for survival! The system wants to help.

Do your alters demand to be identified by outsiders? So far that doesn't seem an issue with me. No one has ever told me I became someone who denied being me. But I have a lot of co-consciousness, where I will be there in some way (or maybe I remember my actions when I get back?), and sometimes I cringe at my sudden changes and inconsistencies. It seems like it must not be very good for the kids. I try to make everything seem the same in terms of routine and boundaries and all that, but when it comes to being the same in terms of demeanor, ugh. I fail. If I try to block and fight everything, though, I either get all flat and inexpressive or lose awareness. So that is not a good option, as I think you mentioned, too.

-- Wed Aug 06, 2014 9:32 pm --

am4kds wrote:I think the improvement is more internal. My T believes that without good internal communication functioning well in life as a multiple is impossible. It takes time to learn who is who and what is going on with everyone. I have three notebooks already filled with my musings, notes from the alters and back-and-forth communication. It has been huge with moving through things. I have had to get over the fact that our system manager has developed his own relationship with T and has no problem telling her the issues he has with me. The last month has been concentrated on building a trust relationship with Melissa (our co-host/protector) as we have a very difficult and painful past. These two things, along with my fear of loss of control, has been what keeps me from accepting the alters and the switching. When I was in denial and didn't know what was happening I didn't fight it...but after the diagnosis I went crazy with fear and control.

This is such useful information, and I so appreciate your sharing it. It really clarifies that I need to take this seriously so that I can develop real alliances within myself.

am4kds wrote:I really have spent a lot of time, almost driven to, internally trying to figure things out. Writing and drawing has really helped me to understand. I'm still feeling parts, or alters, that I don't know, but I am feeling much more comfortable with those I know now. Except for the abuser alter, but I am working on It.

I feel that way, too. A compulsion to think/write/pay attention. But I also feel scared of doing it, so I alternate between compulsive self-expression and doing things to distract myself from noticing anything. I have a lot of difficulty relaxing in general and my two modes in life are action/obsession and avoidance, it seems like.

Thanks again! And I wish you well with your work.

Nondescript,
I have to tell you how much your thread is helping me too. Being in such similar places in our journey it really makes me think and gives me comfort. Thank you for being so brave to start this.

Nondescript wrote:Do your alters demand to be identified by outsiders? So far that doesn't seem an issue with me. No one has ever told me I became someone who denied being me. But I have a lot of co-consciousness, where I will be there in some way (or maybe I remember my actions when I get back?), and sometimes I cringe at my sudden changes and inconsistencies. It seems like it must not be very good for the kids.

I only have one that has begun to take offense at not being recognized for herself. That is Melissa. I have learned that she has been around for a long time, most of our life, and during my first 20 years she was out as much as I. It is funny, but I was "reminded" that from 2nd grade through 6th I insisted on being called Amy Melissa! So, as far back as then I was two alters in life.

I am Melissa, and I wanted to respond from my point of view. I do get very upset when people close to Amy cannot tell the difference between alter Amy and myself. We are very different and have very different point of views. I get that the body is Amy, and I can deal with responding to "Amy", but being confused with alter Amy is frustrating. She is weak and I am strong. Last week Amy's husband tried to convince me that I couldn't be different than Amy and that made me horribly mad.

I don't really have a problem with amnesia between parts. Mostly little situations of losing time. When it comes to the kids, I have had issues because my oldest daughter can be very triggering for Melissa who tends to come out with guns blazing. I have suffered horribly from guilt because of it all these years and her reactions are so different from the Mom I want to be. I won't know just how much I have managed to screw up my kids until they are adults themselves, but I have been told that they are pretty good kids right now. And, it is already getting better. Mary and Melissa have not had a blow-up in the last month! That is huge for us.

Nondescript wrote:am4kds wrote:
I was just wondering if this other part you have started communicating is can give you any information on any other parts inside. My system manager ended up introducing me to my three helper parts, one of which is homemaker/mother. She has always been there, even in the crazy, making sure that the kids continue to be taken care of. I am learning to trust and depend on her now and remaining co-conscious with her.

I did discover a sort of homemaker kind of part. I noticed her even before I noticed the DID, just thought how funny it is that parenting turns us into different people. The problem is that she sometimes just disappears and I have no idea why. The other part that I got to know a bit... I'm not sure what he knows about all that. I need to set aside more time. I am kind of nervous about learning about others, but I know I need to and I will. Thanks for that very good advice.

It seems like my homemaker part will also disappear, sometimes when I have seemed to need her the most. But, I think (these are my own thoughts and may be totally off) that being a helper alter she isn't as strong as some of my others. So, when they are triggered she isn't as able to help and be out. My protector and emotional alters are just so strong and intense that they can be overwhelming.

Nondescript wrote: It has felt pretty weird to be looking into my baby's face these past couple of weeks and wondering who I am as much as I wonder who she will be.

This made me think of something. I have had the common experience of looking in mirrors and not recognizing who I am, but I have also had the very disconcerting experiences of looking at my children and thinking "these are not my children". I never understood it at the time and it always seemed to come with a feeling of ambivalence towards the children and that was really awful to me. I could not believe that "I" would have those thoughts toward my children. Now that I realize this was another part, it doesn't hurt me so much that those thoughts would have floated through my head. I get that I love my children, I have always loved my children.