Anyone here No Contact with their N Parent?

Hello,

I'm looking for anyone here who is No Contact with their narcissistic mother, father or both.

I am No Contact with my entire family of origin since earlier this year. Mine was a very small family to begin with, my mum who I am sure is NPD although she will never be diagnosed, and my dad who is strongly narcissistic. My one aunt I'd guess is a covert narcissist (yes, really, my family is this awesome). No other close relatives, no siblings.

I know most here are spouses/ex partners of Ns, and the children of Ns I know of I think are still in contact. But I thought maybe someone else could be out there. Just looking to connect...

Anais wrote:Hello,

I'm looking for anyone here who is No Contact with their narcissistic mother, father or both.

I am No Contact with my entire family of origin since earlier this year. Mine was a very small family to begin with, my mum who I am sure is NPD although she will never be diagnosed, and my dad who is strongly narcissistic. My one aunt I'd guess is a covert narcissist (yes, really, my family is this awesome). No other close relatives, no siblings.

I know most here are spouses/ex partners of Ns, and the children of Ns I know of I think are still in contact. But I thought maybe someone else could be out there. Just looking to connect...

I have no contact with my family since a month. I don't know if that is forever. I'm doing rather well since then.

Hi Run

Glad to hear you're doing better. I am too.

How did your no contact decision come about?

Mine was made over a long period of time, with the final decision being made in December last year. I wanted to go no contact with my family for years but it only became possible for me once I learned of narcissism and realized exactly what the h*ll is wrong with them. Before that I had too much guilt and confusion about the whole thing I guess. I consider my decision to be permanent.

What are the things you find hardest about no contact, if anything?

Anais wrote:Hi Run

Glad to hear you're doing better. I am too.

How did your no contact decision come about?

Mine was made over a long period of time, with the final decision being made in December last year. I wanted to go no contact with my family for years but it only became possible for me once I learned of narcissism and realized exactly what the h*ll is wrong with them. Before that I had too much guilt and confusion about the whole thing I guess. I consider my decision to be permanent.

What are the things you find hardest about no contact, if anything?

My dicision came about the same way as yours. At one point I did not feel well before and afterwards contact and that was the point that I made the final decision. It felt like a big decision, eventhough I had no much contact.
I'm thinking a lot about it and it's all very personal. It is something in me that says: I can't do it anymore. And they will not change. I can't take the blame on me, or the role they have given me, until I'm hundred. I don't like that role. I have to gain some selfrespect the rest of my life.

The strange thing, now I think about it, is that I felt lately much better during the contact, because I knew what was going on and I felt stronger. But afterwards I found again things that had hurt me and I felt no good.
This is the other way around with earlier times, when I was always in good mood before the contact and I often had been disappointed during the contact and felt no good, while afterwards I felt better again.
I hope you understand what I mean.

Run wrote:I'm thinking a lot about it and it's all very personal. It is something in me that says: I can't do it anymore. And they will not change. I can't take the blame on me, or the role they have given me, until I'm hundred. I don't like that role. I have to gain some selfrespect the rest of my life.

I completely understand. For me, it's a redemption thing basically. Maybe (maybe) they didn't mean to destroy me the way they did - but nevertheless it happened. I have to take my life back and the pain for them (whatever it is) is just a side effect. It's not the goal. The goal is about me recovering - finally.

The strange thing, now I think about it, is that I felt lately much better during the contact, because I knew what was going on and I felt stronger. But afterwards I found again things that had hurt me and I felt no good.

Yes, I was the same. At first I thought I could continue on with them better than before, because now I knew what the problem was. But it's not the case. They are still just as damaging. And actually in a way I found my mum harder to deal with when I realized how impaired she is. It was awkward for me - embarrassing even - to interact with her. Especially once I could predict how she would react and then she would do exactly that. It was easier when I didn't understand her, in a way.

I hope you continue to do well, Run.

No one in my family has any diagnosis, but my parents have strong N-traits, particularly my father.
I am close to "No contact" but not quite there yet. I'm not sure if I can make the final step, or if the small gain would be worth the hurt and drama to get there. At any rate, I like not having them in my life.

Anais wrote:And actually in a way I found my mum harder to deal with when I realized how impaired she is. It was awkward for me - embarrassing even - to interact with her. Especially once I could predict how she would react and then she would do exactly that. It was easier when I didn't understand her, in a way.

My experience has been different. I have found it empowering to deal with my parents now that I have more understanding of how they function. It is almost amusing listening to my father boast and belittle others. (Although I agree - I am also embarrassed for him at times!) Whereas before, perhaps due to confusion/gaslighting, I didn't feel like I could trust anything I thought about my family. It all felt wrong, but I didn't know why, and nobody was willing to admit things were not okay. Now I'm in on the joke of my dysfunctional family.

Platypus wrote:I am close to "No contact" but not quite there yet. I'm not sure if I can make the final step, or if the small gain would be worth the hurt and drama to get there.

If your family is strongly narcissistic you might find it's more than a small gain. <3
But it's a really big decision, I know. One of the biggest, of my life.

Whereas before, perhaps due to confusion/gaslighting, I didn't feel like I could trust anything I thought about my family. It all felt wrong, but I didn't know why, and nobody was willing to admit things were not okay.

This is the true narcissistic family experience, I think. It's a thick, thick forest to find your way out of, huh. Can't see the wood for the trees and all that. At least now you know where you stand, Platypus.

I'm not 'not contact'.
But I'm not 'contact' either.
Is there such a thing as "barely contact" ???
That's where I am.

It is a good place for me to be. I did not talk to my mother for a few years, and that was what was needed for that time.
I needed it, in order to pull away and really disconnect, and get myself whole. I got into therapy and other things during that time.

Now, limited contact, on my terms, is the healthiest way for me.
It feels empowering to me to be able to interact with my mother, and not have the typical lifelong pulls that I'd had.
To be able to set boundaries with a master boundary-breaker, and keep them, is very good.

But, to get to this point, took lots of work. I don't advise it for anyone just starting out. I totally could not have done this years ago... no way.

LifeSong wrote:Now, limited contact, on my terms, is the healthiest way for me.
It feels empowering to me to be able to interact with my mother, and not have the typical lifelong pulls that I'd had.
To be able to set boundaries with a master boundary-breaker, and keep them, is very good.

LifeSong, it's great that you can do that. Do you find that your mother's behavior has changed at all, in response to your changed approach to her? Or is she just the same as ever... (you know what I mean)... does she still try to cut you to bits?

But, to get to this point, took lots of work. I don't advise it for anyone just starting out. I totally could not have done this years ago... no way.

That's one of my problems with contact. I feel like, I have no more for her. I have given her enough (years, tears, wasted energy). I have my own family now, and I have me. She gets... nothing. That's where I'm at. For better or worse.

It's coming up to 2 years of no contact now for me... Basically with my whole family.. Hardest thing I have ever done, and still something I deal with every day..

It's hard when the people who raised you turn out to be the same people that for whatever reason decide to mentally break you and push you towards a path ofservitude towards them..

Thing is, that it is still a hard thing to deal with.. But be strong.. The positive feelings outweigh the negative ones..