Anyone here No Contact with their N Parent?

katana wrote:I'm not in touch with my dad. I'm not sure if you'd call that "no contact" or "f off, i don't want to know you".

Katana, in the case of narcissistic abuse of kids, I think either one... is good!

anais ... rereading, i wonder if i trivialized. it WAS hard, it's just easy now. looking back, i think what was hard was keeping the horrible relationship going, trying trying trying, hurting, wondering why my dad was so uncaring, rude, disinterested when he used to be (seem) so nice. i spent so many years hanging on. THAT hurt. but when i finally decided to let go, that was easy.

screw guilt. parents have 15 - 20 or more years to get it right. if they've got it so wrong that you want nothing to do with them, they've left it too late. they were the ones who were supposed to be the parents. i would give my dad another chance IF he had some sort of revelation, IF he came back grovelling, begging forgiveness, promising to change, IF i thought he was genuine. Pigs may yet fly

This past summer I had dinner with my mom & at the end of the meal she made yet another nasty comment to me & I had just had it!. A few years back, after going to marital counseling it was mentioned to me that we visit the issue of my mom being a narc. Well, I have not talked to her in 3 months & my emotions have been up & down. I do love her but I realize I can no longer take it. My question is now that I do realize what her mental illness is, my relationship is forever changed with her. My sister is the "golden child" & I am the "scape goat" from doing research on this issue. I want to contact my mom but it will be limited. My question is, is there anyone out there that did finally contact their mom & how did you do it? Did you bring up how they hurt you or did you only keep the conversation lite & not attacking them about their disorder? I've read the book by Karyl McBride, PhD called "Will I ever be Good Enough". It has helped tremendously but I just don't know how or when to go about contacting her on a limited basis without her going off on me about it being me making a big deal out of what she really didn't do in her mind. Any suggestions? I'm very nervous & dreading this contact but she's almost 83 & I just can't fathom cutting her off completely. A boundary type of relationship is what I want.

Hagadogl wrote:This past summer I had dinner with my mom & at the end of the meal she made yet another nasty comment to me & I had just had it!

Exactly what happened to me too! - not in summer but in winter.
I know the system in my family won't change and that I always will be the invisible one who they can talk about like she is not present herself. Sarcasm, put downs and laughing about sarcasm and put downs will always be the case.
I have no contact since March and I'm doing fine. My brothers are very close to my mother and to each other and I'm thinking about suggesting them to have no contact for a while, because it is very healthy!
Besides that, I am thinking about having contact only separately with familymembers - including mother - in the future, maybe after 12 months, and in no way with them together anymore. And they can expect a different me.

Hagadogl wrote:This past summer I had dinner with my mom & at the end of the meal she made yet another nasty comment to me & I had just had it!. A few years back, after going to marital counseling it was mentioned to me that we visit the issue of my mom being a narc. Well, I have not talked to her in 3 months & my emotions have been up & down. I do love her but I realize I can no longer take it. My question is now that I do realize what her mental illness is, my relationship is forever changed with her. My sister is the "golden child" & I am the "scape goat" from doing research on this issue. I want to contact my mom but it will be limited. My question is, is there anyone out there that did finally contact their mom & how did you do it? Did you bring up how they hurt you or did you only keep the conversation lite & not attacking them about their disorder? I've read the book by Karyl McBride, PhD called "Will I ever be Good Enough". It has helped tremendously but I just don't know how or when to go about contacting her on a limited basis without her going off on me about it being me making a big deal out of what she really didn't do in her mind. Any suggestions? I'm very nervous & dreading this contact but she's almost 83 & I just can't fathom cutting her off completely. A boundary type of relationship is what I want.

Hello Hagadogl.

Allow me to say, I have absolutely no idea. I think it's impossible. We have two choices - No Contact, or continue to be invalidated by our mums, forever and ever amen, in a hundred different ways. All the while with them vehemently believing they have done no wrong. It is a b*tch of a choice, pardon my language. I have chosen No Contact. If you find an answer... let me know! You might want to look out for other posts from LifeSong (she has posted earlier on this thread, and you can also do an author search using the search box top right) who I think has pulled off the boundary relationship to the most it is possible. But LifeSong achieved this only after many years, I gotta warn ya.

Run, good for you on the new Run! And also on restarting your artwork, I read that on another thread. What kind of art do you do? I'm interested to know.

Thanks for the input & I'll let you know when or if I make contact. This probably sounds trivial but I still have some stuff at my moms. I'm very fearful she will sell off or give away my wedding gown and through away the left over wedding invitations. I know she has already gotten rid of some of my stuff which I now know was due to her disorder. Thanks for the input & I'll check out the other posts relevant to mine. thanks!

Hey again,
I don't think it's trivial to want those things back, not at all. I hope you can get them. Maybe ask a neutral family friend or relation or someone like that to call first, and then go around to collect them? Your mother probably won't act too unreasonable around a third party like that. Good luck with it.

Hagadogl wrote:

This past summer I had dinner with my mom & at the end of the meal she made yet another nasty comment to me & I had just had it!. A few years back, after going to marital counseling it was mentioned to me that we visit the issue of my mom being a narc. Well, I have not talked to her in 3 months & my emotions have been up & down. I do love her but I realize I can no longer take it. My question is now that I do realize what her mental illness is, my relationship is forever changed with her. My sister is the "golden child" & I am the "scape goat" from doing research on this issue. I want to contact my mom but it will be limited. My question is, is there anyone out there that did finally contact their mom & how did you do it? Did you bring up how they hurt you or did you only keep the conversation lite & not attacking them about their disorder? I've read the book by Karyl McBride, PhD called "Will I ever be Good Enough". It has helped tremendously but I just don't know how or when to go about contacting her on a limited basis without her going off on me about it being me making a big deal out of what she really didn't do in her mind. Any suggestions? I'm very nervous & dreading this contact but she's almost 83 & I just can't fathom cutting her off completely. A boundary type of relationship is what I want.

Susan Forward's book "Emotional Blackmail" has information on how to communicate with emotionally abusive people. She gives examples of how people have decided on what to say to the abusive person in their life and how and when to confront that person. Might help with your situation.

I don't know your situation, but I do know this:

A relationship with an N parent IS possible as long as you abide by their "rules" (roles) they assign to you. Any deviation from this will cause them to retaliate. You can threaten your status quo by:

Voicing your opinions, disagreeing with them in any way, wanting your point of view to be acknowledged, expecting them to be accountable for their actions or contradicting the image they portray to others.

If you can tolerate being a doormat and yes-man, then you're all good to go!

PS: The fact you are "dreading contact" with her speaks volumes. Don't rush it.

SusanY wrote:Hagadogl wrote:

This past summer I had dinner with my mom & at the end of the meal she made yet another nasty comment to me & I had just had it!.

I have had the same experience and I decided, after a talk in which she said that I could better commit suicide, to a no contact.
Because it was more worse than I expected after the dinner.

Try to talk first to her and decide afterwards what you want. I have no contact for a year now, and I think the advantage is that you are totally free to work things out. If you remember your dreams, like I do, you will see that your dreams are changing. In my case: I became very aggressive in my dreams towards my mom. Nowadays my dreams are more neutral. I had borderline symptoms and I hope that after two or three years of no contact, I have no symptoms anymore and that I am assertive enough in every way for a new contact.