Anyone here No Contact with their N Parent?

I 'lost' my inheritance,too. My father did that to me to show me and everybody else that he would not be criticized, or defied. Those "inherited" in the family have spent years attacking each other and fighting over this money and property, which has been dwindling in value due to the economic recession. I would not trade one minute of the peace of mind and freedom I have gained for the whole bundle. So you have lost nothing except more and more grief.
I did not know others had done this, but in finding this forum, I am glad to see others have come to this point of realization in life and succeeded in breaking free from it.

I haven't talked to my dad for 5 months now. He calls sometimes. I dont answer. He doesn't leave a message.

I miss what could have, should have been.

Hey everyone. My dad has been diagnosed by me and my therapist as Narcissistic. I have had almost no contact with him for 16 years, since I was a teenager. When life didnt end up going as he had hoped it would (we had two disabled family members), he started a new life very far away. And when the new life was started, he chose it over his old life. He made few financial contributions and offered just a few phone calls per year for the first several years. He never said he wasnt coming home and he never told us about his new life. We found out through a relative 12 years later.

After he was gone for 9 years, my mother died from her disability. At that point, I vowed never to reach out to him again. He was told she died and didnt offer kind words or any help for the funeral. And for many years, he never reached back, until he got Facebook recently and decided contacting me was worth it to see what I had been up to. After allowing him that privilege I decided that wasn't a friendship or any sort of relationship I wanted with him so I defriended him. He, predictably, asked why and I told him I didnt know what I wanted from him but I knew it wasnt that.

We all immensely benefitted from this poisonous person's absence. And, I'm glad that I can have no contact with him. But, even that small act of blocking him from Facebook was a huge deal to decide and I'm still figuring out what, if anything, I want from this man who randomly sends me junk email and instant messages me with nothing to say. It's some how become my "choice" to refuse him after all these years of him abandonning me, but he hasnt really offered me something I really want.

So, like many of you, I've gone no contact.

I am at the crossroads of going either no contact with my N mother or establishing a variation of NC with extremely rigid boundaries. I am leaning towards the former unfortunately.

My N mother (I recently read the article "Characteristics of a Narcissistic Mother" and it was like a spitting image of what it was like growing up in my family) constantly belittles me, my life and acheivements to a myriad of people. It has hurt employment prospects in the past, I have heard strange tales from family members about how my life is in the dumps.

Of special ire is the fact that of my most recent four girlfriends, each one of them had reported to me at one point or another having "a talk" with my mother whereby my mother told them that I was a very difficult person to live with and that they should reconsider spending their life with me. My (now ex) fiancee asked me after we were engaged why my mother would call her mother and say that I was always an angry person and that I am prone to violence. Needless to say, from that point forward there was a constant pressure on my fiancee to "break free" and explore other options. The relationship didn't last a year of that before things started going downhill fast.

Like anyone with an N parent, the view on the outside is that they are just such a wonderful person. Put downs to third parties are couched in "concern". Plausible deniability is everywhere. Of most recent frustration is that I have reported to the police recently that my friend was sexually abused by her brother - after he drugged the both of us and got us to sleep in his trailer. Upon hearing about it from my friend, I immediately told her because my cousin was also a victim. She now says that she never remembers me telling her that and accused me of being dishonest. How a mother could ever forget such a disclosure, and furthermore to not take it to the police herself, just is inherently reprehensible.

Every accomplishment I've ever made in my life has been twisted to the negative. I recently got a new job where my pay doubled and I got a $15K signing bonus; but my father was under the impression that I didn't have a "real job" and that I was always at risk of being fired. Of course all he heard about my new job was from my mother. Of course I dont have a real job... I'm only a lowly investment banker.

Like many N mothers, favoritism was rampant in our household. My sister was the Golden Child, and there were several scapegoats. I will never forget being lambasted for having the nerve to get a better grade in band class than my sister - she deserved it more than I did apparently.

My reason for contemplating going total NC is mainly for two reasons. (a) To protect my reputation. If my N mother is seen as knowing me, people take her commentary at face value. It is difficult to clean up the mess that an N mother leaves behind when you are or have been the scapegoat; and (b) to eliminate the stress and strain of trying to show that I am worthy of a basic level of respect.

I recently had a awful conversation with her and when I asserted that I am good person, she threw that back in my face in the words, "Oh, you're a good person, you're a good person. You keep telling me that... Can the bravado, you arent perfect".

Really I had thought that she had grown the F up and had stopped thinking like this. The stress of my disclosure of the incident with my friend to the police has brought it all back in spades. In realizing how Narcissists operate, it makes perfect sense. Everyone was talking about how brave I am, how good it was for me to come forward, they were talking about all the victims (3) and how stressed out they must be in this trying time. What nobody was talking about was her. So she had to call me up a few times and try to take me down a notch, to insult me, to wave any flaws she could find in my face, to accuse me of being a liar and my girlfriend of being dishonest.

To put it simply... I am a 36 year old man. Is this woman providing any positive benefit to my life? Do I feel happy to go home and have my parents express pride in who I am? Do I feel good when I talk to family members and friends and see the snide reactions they make when I talk about my goals, knowing that they have been fed years of bs about who I am, or to hear about how I am a basketcase?

No. Sometimes the best way to win the war is to realize it is unwinnable and to withdraw. If she were not my mother I would have lost contact a very, very long time ago. Investing further energy in trying to show that I am a person worthy of a basic level of respect is a waste of time, and the disappointment of hearing yet another person telling me of the negative crap being said behind my back saps my emotional and mental energy from more fruitful persuits.

I do feel empathy for my father though. He is a classic enabler, he is entirely oblivious to what has gone on between my mother and my siblings over the years, but he is a good man and cares very much about me. If I go total NC with my mother, logistics will never be the same as they always travel together, she wears the pants, and calls the shots. Which is why they come down and see my golden child sister every single visit, and I am lucky to even have known that they came to the city where my sister, brother, and I live because I take the time to call them to say hello.

In recently understanding classic N mothers, I now understand the difficulties my sister must be having, something I did not understand before. My sister got into youth sports organizations because of her son, my mother got involved with the local youth hockey organization in her town. My sister got into running marathons, and my mother is practicing her running and wants to run marathons with my sister. My sister rented the spare room in her house so that my parents could no longer come down and stay the entire weekend at her house. Life as the golden child is no better than the scapegoat as an adult, really.

In my recent (and shocking) grasp of why things have fallen as they have is that any success on my part in my mother's eyes takes away from the success of my sister. My sister is a graphic artist who works for the city. For me to be an investment banker hanging out in the most exclusive social clubs and working in the most exclusive building in the city, active and involved in my community and sitting on a variety of boards in her mind robs my sister of glory. My sister is happy with who she is and I am happy for her. So therefore *everyone* must hear pre-emptive bull about how my success is a mere facade.

Life with an N mother, even as an adult is difficult. I started a national extreme sports organization, and the organization paid for me to travel to our nations capital. In recounting the fun I had on my trip, the topic was instantly switched to how my sister went there once, and there was little interest in hearing details of my trip. I bought a sail boat and all I heard behind my back was that I was hopelessly irresponsible and the boat I bought was a peice of crap and that I would never be able to learn to sail it. My girlfriend had talked about us having children and she was told that it was better if we didn't because we would never be able to afford it.

I have one sister who committed suicide. My mom blames her for not having the time or energy to be a proper parent for the reset of us; she was the first scapegoat. Another sister who refuses to have any contact with them ever again; she was the second scapegoat, she left home when she was 17. After she left I was the third scapegoat. Even the golden child sister attempted suicide once. If I go NC I will be the third child to go NC.

Hi computerology,

I would support you in going No Contact. You have a very good grasp of your situation as regards your mum so I'd say you are in a good place to make "the decision." In the end we only have so much energy each and we need that energy to build our own lives.

My dad was an enabler/narcissist combo, he is very mild-mannered and my mum wore the pants also. I understand you feeling badly for your dad. But the fact is that he was your parent also and so he had a duty to protect you and he didn't. With the enablers it takes a lot longer to process this than with the overtly N parents - but he still let you down.

Go NC, there is nothing an N can do that will make your life easier. They are poison and must be held at arms length, in the case of a parent they must be amputated like a rotten limb or they will kill you. I am NC from my mother 5 years now and sicne then my grades have gotten better, I am in university, in a healthy relationship and my relationship with my father (he left her because he couldn't enable her) is amazing now that she is gone from both of our lives. It will feel as if a huge weight has been lifted off of your shoulders and you willl be free to really live your life without her shadow. I would also reccomend seeing a therapist to work through some of the lasting issues she has placed on your psyche because of your childhood. I hope this helped Good luck with your mother, I hope that if you do go NC it will make you much happier!

Yes, my non golden child siblings and I do feel some resentment that he was never really "there" (although in the same house) and that he allowed my mother to run rampant over us and display the blatant favoritism for my golden child sister. He would put his foot down sometimes; but there was a weird set of dynamics in our family.

My mom and dad met and it is both of their second marriages. My mom brought two girls into the family, my dad brought four children. I was adopted at 13. So when he would put his foot down, it was usually to protect one of his kids. My golden child sister was my mothers younger daughter, the sister who hung herself was the original scapegoat, my mothers older daughter, who had left home and run away long before I came into the picture.

So I really fit in as the ideal scapegoat, and ended up taking the role over. I could be scapegoated without raising the ire of my father because I didn't have the same bond as his kids had with him. Nonetheless, we all had to live with a brutal double standard in the home.

When I refused to play the role of the "ever grateful and always trying to please hard done by" adopted kid, the treatment was brutal. I would catch a total earful from her, and she would then tell my Dad that as a boy it was better for him to scold me, so I would get double duty.

I remember when I was a teenager and experimenting with drugs, I would litterally hear her voice in my head filled with citicisms. Thank god that ended by the time I was 20 and didnt live with them for a few years.

NC is seeming like the only way to go. I would love to have a normalized, unfiltered relationship with my father again. My N mom is a control freak, and information is no exception. You are right though, that he really should have put a stop to the madness.

LifeSong wrote:[
So, sometimes, I'll have more distant family members contact me and, when we get together to talk, I'll hear the get concern in their voices because of my 'problems' - upon further discussion, I'll find that my mother has spun some story about me that puts me in a horrible light and her in a loving light. She's quite creative with what she concocts. This used to be infuriating to me, but I'm finding that in these past few years, I'm actually laughing at what she says and how she spins it. This wouldn't have been possible except that she now lives so much on the periphery of my life that she doesn't really matter to me anymore. Odd to find myself in that place because for so many years she mattered to me more than anything else.

This is exactly what has led me to permanent no contact. Effective yesterday. I was unofficial no/low contact for 6 years after i was kicked out of the house the third time at 19. At 26, i figured i was an adult and it was time to interact with them as peers figuring that old power struggles wouldnt return.

But they did - just worse. When i was a teenager, it was about her vicious rants, bottled up ammunition of things to go at me for saved up for months, and the constant belittlement and threats to kick me out of the house. As an adult, i realized that in her antics the stakes merely became higher.

She told my (now ex) fiancees mother that i was a difficult, controlling person who was prone to violence after we announced our engagement. Multiple girlfriends upon first meeting her reported that she told them similar things. She implied to another that it may not be safe for to live with me because she has a young daughter. Job prospects vanish because the interviewer mysteriously heard that i wasnt serious about wanting the job and moving. Like you state, random family members and friends heard how i had these big problems like alchoholism or a sketchy job (hey, im only a lowly investment banker). Coincidentally, these family members were people i was considering asking for financial support in the form of cosigning to buy a house (and i had 40% to put down, the risk to them was very low).

Random people like neighbors never knew that i ever existed, in fact they only thought that there was 2 daughters in the family, when there was 4 daughters and 3 sons.

My girlfriend heard incessant negative commentary whenever my mother had her alone, and she would ridicule me to my girlfriend in front of groups of her friends for oversights my girlfriend herself owned up to like forgetting to tell them she needed a ride out in the morning.

Eventually, enough became enough. Ive had it in cleaning up the littan of messes left behind her about me. For me the icing on the cake was after she encouraged me to go to the police to report her brother who molested my friend, (i told her about it at age 12 and she did nothing) she had the nerve to accuse me of lying that it was in fact me who was molested, then that i was only doing it to raise my public profile, and then that i was not honest with her because why would i not bring it up to her when i was 19 or 20, after the third time i had been kicked out of the house.

I started hunting for answers to her behavior and realized that our entire upbringing was a classic case of maternal narcissim. I realized that she would never change. I struggled with it and then she made my decision for me, and cut me off from my father at the same time. I was upset, but he was a classic enabler. I guess she figured that id be willing to talk and would plead and beg if i figured my father was part of thedeal. But i just wrote them both off that very moment. Sent their email around to all the siblings and posted to my facebook that theynwere both no longer my parents.

I am still apprehensive at being full nc , but i know it is for the best. I had emailed my dad and told him i really was considering what role my mom would have in my life and all options were on the table, but that i really wanted to continue having a relationship with him. I told him i would get back to my mother when i made my decision. I hadnt even made my decision when i got word from him that, "if and when any relationship resumes, i hope it will be cordial".

Cordial is how you describe a relationship with an ex wife, not a parent. So i told him i hope that they have a nice life and goodbye.

It is nerve wracking - i dont know how they will try to stack the deck with my siblings. I hope to have a better relationship with them now that i am no longer part of the hub and spoke system of contact my mom set up.

Ive gone rogue. It feels good, but it is also a bit scary.

computerology wrote:Cordial is how you describe a relationship with an ex wife, not a parent.

Very true. What a thing to say, oh boy. It`s also amazing that they unfriended you on facebook so quickly. That they even THOUGHT of doing that in the moments immediately after receiving such a letter from their son... How shall we react to this... I know, we`ll GET ON FACEBOOK RIGHT NOW AND BLOCK HIM THIS SECOND! It`s like they are children.

So i told him i hope that they have a nice life and goodbye.

Hooray!

Ive gone rogue. It feels good, but it is also a bit scary.

You're going to be a lot better off without them. You're 36, right? You are doing this at a good time I think. They are nasty with the career stuff but they`re even nastier with the personal stuff. If you were ever to decide to get married or have children, well then... you'd be in for a rough ride. What you`ve said about how she interacted with your girlfriends is not too surprising. They make a lot of trouble in your primary relationships. Because seeing you happy (and in a way not focused on them) is very confronting for them. Life is just too short to deal with it.

I've been NC with (what I believe to be) my N father for about 16 years.

I don't regret the fact that he's too crazy to have in my or my family's life. My wife, never having known him, seems to be critical of my estranged relationship with him. However, I know he would make our (or at least my) life hell.

Here's a point though--given that I'm preoccupied with other's opinions of me, there is likely a huge weight hanging over my head wondering what he's thinking or feeling about me all these years.. I could never make him happy, as such I'm convinced he's unhappy with me and thinking negative things towards me right this second, every second of the day. Terrible burdon.