Alter in love was a mystery to me

Woo hoo! In my most recent therapy session I lost time and T and I both noticed. From one moment to the next I went from calm to highly anxious and overwhelmed with dissociative (depersonalization and derealization) symptoms. And yet, I wasn't aware of any triggers. T reviewed what we had just been talking about and I identified a small amnesia. Then T saw the right side of my face change. Some other weirdness followed and I remembered my father talking years ago about a traumatic event that happened many years earlier. I have no memory of the event itself, only of him talking about it. I never wondered before why I have no memory of it; I suppose I assumed I wasn't there. Only, it is probable that I was there.

That is great that you and your T are moving forwards and things are happening to progress. It has always confused me as to why people lose minutes or even seconds of time. I do as well. I don't remember walking over my therapists doorstep for example. Why lose such a short space of time? It seems a bit odd to me... do you make sense of it?

Bourbon

bourbon wrote:Why lose such a short space of time? It seems a bit odd to me... do you make sense of it?

I do make sense of it. My lost time encompassed a casual remark by T that connects to the traumatic event my father told about. This is my DID system working to ensure that I do not become aware of much that I am not aware of.

Right I see. Makes perfect sense.

Just me who is a bit odd :p

Last night I had a dream about my alter's love object. To be more precise, it was a dream about trying to find common ground with someone. I was in a barracks, representing a military command and discussing with an officer of another military command how to adjust protocols so that our two commands could share a meal in peace. I woke up and was pondering the dream when I realized it was still running. The officer was coming onto me in his gaze and posture. Then suddenly I saw he was my alter's love object, he grabbed my wrists and pulled them out to the side so that our bodies came together, and he began nuzzling the side of my neck. I heard myself say "So, I guess you are interested" and he whispered in my ear "Yes". A flood of anxiety swept through my body and I broke into a heavy sweat, with dissociative numbness and tingling in my limbs. There is something here that needs my attention.

He whispered in my right ear. He is (was) Alter 5's love object, but my right ear is Alter 4's domain. Right now, reading this post, there is a popping sensation in my right ear, as if it is full of water. The popping is very distracting. Alter 4 is the one who ate lunch with Alter 5's love object more than a year ago, when I lost time for about 30 minutes.

The Gift of Fear is an amazing book by Gavin de Becker. I want to share with everyone here a short quote from the book, pages 6-7.

Beware, this quote could be triggering if you have ever faced a serial rapist / killer.

Since he was dressed and supposedly leaving, he had no other reason to close her window. It was that subtle signal that warned her, but it was fear that gave her the courage to get up without hesitation and follow close behind the man who intended to kill her. She later described a fear so complete that it replaced every feeling in her body. Like an animal hiding inside her, it opened to its full size and stood up using the muscles in her legs. "I had nothing to do with it," she explained. "I was a passenger moving down that hallway."

Exactly. I have been there. Twice. Once with an actual serial killer. Once with a "boyfriend". With the serial killer I felt myself taken over, possessed but it was all physical. With the "boyfriend" however, I was aware not only of possession but also of an argument over tactics going on inside my head, between two identities who were not me. They were Alter 1 and Alter 2. Add to those two life-and-death events long ago my recent spiritual emergency, which led to my diagnosis and getting help. A man spoke a word to me over the phone and with a surge Alter 1 and Alter 2 took control. I was horror struck. I knew them from before, and I was afraid of them. Now I know them for what they are, and I love them.

The story continues.

After a 6-week silence Alter 5, the one in love with another man, has been back in contact with me. She has chosen a name for herself. To my dismay, her name resembles the name of the man's wife! As before, Alter 5 cries that she loves him and now also weeps because he does not know she exists. This is her constant preoccupation.

One night last week she came into my body with me, for the first time ever. I/we felt indescribably naked and raw, every nerve awake. I notice a curious overlap with the sensory experience I have of depersonalization except this was somehow the opposite of depersonalization. I was in bed beside my sleeping husband, and I felt her intense discomfort at being so close to a man, a stranger and snoring too. My husband a stranger! Wow that felt weird. He woke up and saw I was awake and gave me the gentlest brief kiss, just a faint brush of lips. I experienced the kiss as very sweet and welcome but Alter 5 recoiled in shock and curled into the fetal position, crying. What a reality check that was for her. She knows my husband slightly more than she knows this other man, and until this moment it had never occurred to her that she might not actually enjoy this other man's touch.

Una+ wrote:One night last week she came into my body with me, for the first time ever. I/we felt indescribably naked and raw, every nerve awake. I notice a curious overlap with the sensory experience I have of depersonalization except this was somehow the opposite of depersonalization.

Una, first of all, congrats, since that is a significant development. Do you think this was just your experience with her presence or do you sense it was her experience as well? Or do you know? I ask because the "my experience"/"their experience" is confusing me lately. I keep thinking something along the lines of "well, we're all me/us, so if I can feel something happening, physical sensations or emotions, they're in executive control now so they must be experiencing it too." But I sometimes get blow-back from them about that along the lines of "dude, we're not you!"

Also, do you know what prompted the co-presence or blending?

Johnny wrote:Do you think this was just your experience with her presence or do you sense it was her experience as well? Or do you know?

I think I was sharing part of her own experience: her sensations and her emotions. I don't know what her thoughts were, although I believe I can make a pretty good guess.

Johnny wrote:Also, do you know what prompted the co-presence or blending?

Sort of. Listening to a Byron Katie audiobook caused Alter 5 to come forward, crying about the fact that her love object does not know she exists. This time she stayed near the surface for hours, much longer than she usually does. It is rare that I feel her presence for much longer than it takes her to say "I love him" a few times.

That was last week. This week I interacted for a few minutes with a neighbor I last interacted with a few years ago. Something quite superficial about him reminded me/us of Alter 5's love object, triggering a small surge of arousal, both sexual and fear. And I felt a peculiar echo of dismay, as if Alter 5 is only now really grasping what the rest of us know: the fact that she knows almost nothing about her love object. She feels that she knows him in some cosmic way, but in fact she does not. She knows she absolutely does not know the neighbor yet something about him is activating.

Una+ wrote:Exactly. I have been there. Twice. Once with an actual serial killer. Once with a "boyfriend". With the serial killer I felt myself taken over, possessed but it was all physical. With the "boyfriend" however, I was aware not only of possession but also of an argument over tactics going on inside my head, between two identities who were not me. They were Alter 1 and Alter 2. Add to those two life-and-death events long ago my recent spiritual emergency, which led to my diagnosis and getting help. A man spoke a word to me over the phone and with a surge Alter 1 and Alter 2 took control. I was horror struck. I knew them from before, and I was afraid of them. Now I know them for what they are, and I love them.

Wonderful and Tragic story, but finding that love in your alters is so important.